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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Your last breathdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: solemnpen
    ASL Info:    18
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 303/339/42
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 726
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 879



    Description:
       this is a really tripped out way of dealing with a lover that has done you wrong. lol i dont think im the only one that has had this dream. let me know what you think


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYour last breathdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You better hope you made right with god today
    You told me "fuck you"
    That aint something smart to say
    You better hope i feel the mercy
    To let you hit your knees and pray

    This cage can only me for so long
    What?! you thought it would last forever?
    It's to late you fixing to be dead wrong
    But I do have to apoligize
    I didn't think it would take this long

    You think a psychologist can fix me?
    Is that what you feel in your heart?
    Is that what you really believe?
    Damn, you might just be as crazy as me

    I hope you dreaming of a happy day
    Cause you done ran outta shit to say
    So as you lay in that bed,
    And breathe your last breath
    I'm gonna stand over you with this knife
    and count the ways.........




    Submitted on 2005-07-21 17:30:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The third stanza was my favorite. Just makes me laugh. The closest thing to this I've written is probably "F**k You". I can identify with the feeling, as I think just about everyone can. Nicely done kid.
    | Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by AngelOutlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      that last line was killa'. i write [censored] like this all the time. very familiar style, escept i
    m usually the one physically and mentally assaulted. you see! i can be humble.~P.J.
    | Posted on 2005-07-23 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow! I think you may have been really pissed off when you wrote this one huh?? All the power to ya! I hear ya too! Sometimes people just piss ya off to no end especially when it comes to matters of the heart! Being hurt really sucks and can bring about really hostile emotions! I can admit I have thought horrible things about people and wished awful things upon them but I don't think I could actually do it myself! I like how you got all this out in your write though! Very therapeutic ya know? I hope you are feeling better today! Have a smile on me!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      Great Read Line By line it all just came together good use of metaphors
    And grammer Overall a Good read glad I had the chance to Enjoy it .By the way Iím
    No Talent Check out some of my work sometime aight.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      damn..i know i get angry... but you should never hurt a girl..i'm telling you... when i was in 7th grade i got punch by a 8th grade boy..that same day he got beat up my my bro..and my bro is in a crew so he got jump by his crew, and most of my guy friends wanted to beat him up the next day at school.. well i do think of killin my ex if he comes back to las vegas..and abraham and michael..yeah those are the one i'm planing to kill..lol..jk...i loved this poem.loved the angerness..and i'm adding it to my fav
    kay
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
      That's some anger at someone...well expressed, I'm not one to say much about grammar errors - hell when you are typing something this emotional - the hands are barely keeping up with the mind. I liked the whole piece, but it was your first verse that really says it all for me
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooo I love it. I have felt this way many times. I like all the anger I see you put into it. So much emotion. I know how you feel. Very creative. Great wording. I think the end is my favorite:

    "I hope you dreaming of a happy day
    Cause you done ran outta [censored] to say
    So as you lay in that bed,
    And breathe your last breath
    I'm gonna stand over you with this knife
    and count the ways..."

    That is awesome. Good luck with everything. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...that was intense. i could feel your anger through these words. although, i think that there was a few errors...

    "This cage can only me for so long..."

    I don't know what it is really supposed to say, but it just didn't sound right...anyways, i like this a lot...i love the anger, frustration, passion...everything about it...great work.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      wow tons of raw emotion in this peice. not that its bad or anything cuz it allows the reader to relate better. so other than a few grammatical errors i thought it was great. good job once again keep it up i hope to read more...Joy
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by sweet_rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      Great emotion. A little grammar errors, but seeing where they are it certainly fits. This reminds me of one of my poems...but I think I deleted it. And hey, I hope to be a psychologist one day! (not really, but something close to it) That's all I really have to say, good job
    ~Kat
    (By the way, hyporglo's quote is hilarious)
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by MorbidAngel114 | [ Reply to This ]
      HA! Reminds me of the movie Young Guns where Lou Diamond Phillips character says to one of the "chew brothers":

    "Many a nights my friend...many a nights I have laid next to you with a knife to your throat...glad I didnt kill ya Steve."

    Yeah, I agree with you about psychologists...just a bunch of curanderos, ya know? Good write.
    Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...you seem a bit pissed off in this piece here. Not to say I haven't dreamt of slaying the beast once in a great while. Just to clarify things...did you mean breathe your last breath? Just checking, once it got that far I got a little confused. Either way you got the point across that you were just slightly upset. Good job!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]


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