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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: my cancerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: hidden lady
    ASL Info:    28/female/nebraska
    Elite Ratio:    4.47 - 116/118/30
    Words: 185
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 766
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1145



    Description:
       this is rough draft so any suggestions would be good. but basically this about a night at IHOP by myself.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsmy cancerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    At one A.M. I light
    the long end of my cancer.
    As the smoke permeates
    the room with the smell
    of my contentment,
    I wait for the walking smile
    to bring more energy in a pot
    and turn back to my
    leather bound fantasy.

    I hear the backdrop beat
    of too many souls converging
    and conversing about the mundane
    and just to spite them,
    I think deep thoughts.

    I kill myself with one more drag.
    I look at the face of eternity,
    it tells me the moon will soon leave,
    and the sun to take its place.
    it lets me know Iam one day older
    and that I need dreams to fil my head
    in subconsious bliss.

    the walking smile returns
    with the white slip of my debt
    and refills my now bottomed out
    bottomless cup.
    I disturb it once with my lips
    and leave my tip for the night
    (don't get caught in the rain)
    I walk out into the musty morning
    and drive home feeling complete
    that I have had my cancer and blackend teeth.





    Submitted on 2005-07-21 21:08:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      I get a great feeling of dry humor and a little nostalgia. I don't smoke but I have friends who do so I kinda get the mood behind it.

    A great piece overall. It flows really well and tells a great story.
    | Posted on 2008-09-07 00:00:00 | by entropy | [ Reply to This ]
      This was great and kinda reminded me of some topics I would write about. I may be reading too far into it but I saw some social commentary in there that tickled me. Like the part describing the typical crap the patrons were "discussing" and how you fell into deep thought out of spite. That was classic. The only thing I would suggest is that there are a couple minor spelling errors that appear to be typos not words you didn't know how to spell. Much like my comment I'm sure! lol. Anyway....I'm impressed.

    Take care
    6
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by fryte | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this peice. Sounds like you are are kindred spirits. I have spent many an hour at a denny's in Anchorage endulging in my cancer and blacked teeth as well. I love this piece! I love the imagry here, the use of description. The only thing I can see is in the last stanza, the first word is missing a capital T. Other than that, it is wonderful. Great job!

    Ronda
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
      Well done well paced piece. I just moved from Seattle and miss my depressive cynical bar and coffee shop world, but I went too far down the rabbit's [censored] and had to get out. This poem definately surfaces the nostalgia though. Great job in eliciting feelings.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by mr. | [ Reply to This ]
      Great Read Line By line it all just came together good use of metaphors
    And grammer Overall a Good read glad I had the chance to Enjoy it .By the way Iím
    No Talent Check out some of my work sometime aight.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good. I love the wording and descriptions. It kind of has a sad lonliness to it. I guess I'm driving toward cancer and blackened teeth too. Oh boyy. Anywho, there is nothing I don't like about this. Good luck with everything. Great job

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow this is what you call deep... im sorry about all this but please dont give up on yourself and try to make it through very good job on the poem
    | Posted on 2005-07-21 00:00:00 | by bluesoxz | [ Reply to This ]


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