Description: this is rough draft so any suggestions would be good. but basically this about a night at IHOP by myself.
my cancer -------------------------------------------
At one A.M. I light
the long end of my cancer.
As the smoke permeates
the room with the smell
of my contentment,
I wait for the walking smile
to bring more energy in a pot
and turn back to my
leather bound fantasy.
I hear the backdrop beat
of too many souls converging
and conversing about the mundane
and just to spite them,
I think deep thoughts.
I kill myself with one more drag.
I look at the face of eternity,
it tells me the moon will soon leave,
and the sun to take its place.
it lets me know Iam one day older
and that I need dreams to fil my head
in subconsious bliss.
the walking smile returns
with the white slip of my debt
and refills my now bottomed out
I disturb it once with my lips
and leave my tip for the night
(don't get caught in the rain)
I walk out into the musty morning
and drive home feeling complete
that I have had my cancer and blackend teeth.
This was great and kinda reminded me of some topics I would write about. I may be reading too far into it but I saw some social commentary in there that tickled me. Like the part describing the typical crap the patrons were "discussing" and how you fell into deep thought out of spite. That was classic. The only thing I would suggest is that there are a couple minor spelling errors that appear to be typos not words you didn't know how to spell. Much like my comment I'm sure! lol. Anyway....I'm impressed.
I love this peice. Sounds like you are are kindred spirits. I have spent many an hour at a denny's in Anchorage endulging in my cancer and blacked teeth as well. I love this piece! I love the imagry here, the use of description. The only thing I can see is in the last stanza, the first word is missing a capital T. Other than that, it is wonderful. Great job!
Well done well paced piece. I just moved from Seattle and miss my depressive cynical bar and coffee shop world, but I went too far down the rabbit's [censored] and had to get out. This poem definately surfaces the nostalgia though. Great job in eliciting feelings.
Great Read Line By line it all just came together good use of metaphors And grammer Overall a Good read glad I had the chance to Enjoy it .By the way I’m No Talent Check out some of my work sometime aight.
This is really good. I love the wording and descriptions. It kind of has a sad lonliness to it. I guess I'm driving toward cancer and blackened teeth too. Oh boyy. Anywho, there is nothing I don't like about this. Good luck with everything. Great job