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    dots Submission Name: night of passiondots

    Author: bluecrane
    ASL Info:    19/F/WASHINGTON
    Elite Ratio:    3.61 - 70/83/26
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 928
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 696

       i've been working on this for two years, and i really need help improving it

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsnight of passiondots

    won't you be the blood that runs through my veins
    we could be whole
    be a shield to protect me from the falling rain
    we can keep eachother from the cold

    your eyes like an ocean
    deep with anger, deep with pain
    your body moves with my motion
    our minds both play the game

    your disease moves into me, consumes me
    i start to cry, i start to bleed
    keep me safe with your eyes like the sea
    tonight's all we'll ever need

    we don't move, we don't speak
    you took my breath away
    i'm too tired, i'm so weak
    we've just lost the game we played

    Submitted on 2005-07-22 04:13:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Pardon me, thats BEST SEX not beat sex! **********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
    My, I wish I could edit when I make such an obvious error,
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Consider this; Passion look at its meaning in the dictionary!
    Do you find words describing it like- anger or pain, when at times it reads so dark and more of a horror flick involving Frankenstien.
    Passion is what kindles the heart to burn with desire. Passion, causes someone to view another as the answer to their dreams, and it never fails to achieve its goal of conquering another.
    Now tell us again, describe passion as it overflows the body. Tells us how you tremble beneath his touch just knowing how perfect it will become when you succome to his warm kisses and let touching remove your fears. Passion leads to the beat sex known to mankind, so just how did this passionate night end? Then, you will have written about a 'Night of Passion'
    | Posted on 2005-09-16 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Ah, the dysfunctional relationship! This piece flowed nicely but seemed to be lacking something in intensity - maybe if it were a bit longer? I thought it was a good piece.
    Love,Peace,Joy! Happy Friday!
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Great Read Line By line it all just came together good use of metaphors
    And grammer Overall a Good read glad I had the chance to Enjoy it .By the way Iím
    No Talent Check out some of my work sometime aight.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, I really like the piece. The word choice is very ggod and you definitely paint a real picture. You said you wanted help, so I'll give it a shot, but keep in mind that any suggestions I give are simply my own preferences and may not be that good :)

    won't you be the blood that runs through my veins[?]
    we could be whole[.]
    [won't you] be a shield to protect me from the (falling-del this) rain[?]
    we can keep eachother from the cold[.]

    only really think you should add a little here-punctuation (which I think should be added throughout) and the "won't you" @ the beginning of line 3 for the sake of symmetry (or whatever). I'd also del falling but only because of the addition mentioned before.

    your eyes[are] like an ocean[-]
    deep with anger, deep with pain[;]
    your body moves with my motion[;]
    our minds both play the game[.]

    w/o the added are you don't have a verb, so there's no action or comparison. If you're not crazy about the verb add something after the second line about how the eyes affect you or what they do. I realize this will equire adding lines to form a new stanza or a re-write of that stanza.

    your disease moves into me, consumes me[;]
    i start to cry, i start to bleed[.]
    keep me safe with your eyes like the sea[;]
    tonight's all we'll ever need[.]

    I think this stanza probably needs clarification. It's his sickness that is infecting you, but you want him to keep you safe? Sounds like he's the one who endangered you, so you might want to address that.

    we don't move, we don't speak[;]
    you took my breath away[-]
    i'm too tired, i'm so weak[.]
    we've just lost the game we played[.]

    I think the ending's strong, so I wouldn't change anything here, unless something you add or delete earlier justifies it.
    Hope that helps.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good, but yeah it's missing a little something. I think a little more in depth between stanza 3 and 4? I'm not sure. To me it felt like you were going to take it in one direction and then went in the completel opposite direction on the turn of a dime. That's alright though, but it just leaves so much to one's imagination. As I said this is really good. You used really great discriptive words that didn't fade with the poem and that's really great! Looking forward to reading more.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]

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