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    dots Submission Name: death is comingdots

    Author: maninthemirror
    ASL Info:    17/m/arkansas
    Elite Ratio:    2.64 - 224/318/109
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Death
    Total Views: 717
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 928

       I wrote this one day I was wondering about death

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdeath is comingdots

    death is coming death is here
    death is the reason you live in fear
    what grows up must wither down
    corrosive bones was once a crown
    Living and breathing will fade away
    till bones and death rot and decay
    hate lives on no more than love
    one can hope that life goes on
    and live the path you were set upon
    it scares me not knowing what lies beyond
    untill I'm numb and the feeling is gone

    people scared to go outside
    when death knocks at their door they hide
    but the remember a time, long ago
    death was neither friend nor foe
    They didn't hate it they didnt love it
    if somebody brought it up, they rose above it
    but that time is over now, rivals they are
    trying to out do each other, showing off their every scar
    no one knows why, I hate you so
    death is coming, death is slow

    Submitted on 2005-07-22 14:36:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      the first half of this poem was the bomb. nice structure, excellent syllable count, and the words you used went with the death theme such as 'rot' and 'decay' i know some other people liked the ending, but it just doesnt seem right to me. you could have maybe just thrown in any 3 words and it would have been fine, perhaps maybe using the title as the last few words. that would make more of an impact than just ending in midriff. as i said before, i loved the first half but the second half could use a little work. a suggestion that i have is maybe change 'living and breathing will fade away' to 'life and breath shall fade away' but thats just my two cents, bud.
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by serge | [ Reply to This ]
      i didnt like it it feels forced like you went back over it changing stuff or maybe you thought to much from the very beginingi got this teenage suicide my boyfreind dumped me feeling i see the talent in some parts though sorry not for me
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by layDsayD | [ Reply to This ]
      I think it rhymes awesome.I think its a tad bit sterotypical.But i think it ended just fine.Abruptly like death...I think you started changing the poem a bit toward the end,and thats not good.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by The Crow | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree with the last post that it could be longer. i particularly enjoyed your use of the word corrosive. a good writer once told me that poems are like music in that you have to have a hook. something that gets people interested in what you do. i have found that interested and seldom-used words are a good way to do that.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by jahhnysmom | [ Reply to This ]
      It's good, but i think it needs to be a little longer. Try expanding your thoughts on death and apply those same thoughts into your poem to turn something that was basically just an idea into something much more detailed.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by norm | [ Reply to This ]

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