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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Redemptiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WandWielder
    ASL Info:    21-f-maryland
    Elite Ratio:    4.42 - 55/62/16
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 615
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 806



    Description:
       Doesnt matter to me any feedback is good, rather you liked it or not another perspective is always welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRedemptiondots
    -------------------------------------------



    In stone sleep the Golem lays,
    never knowing the world's ways.
    One day the Golem awakes,
    many souls does it take;

    Hades grounds overflow;
    On the world the golem takes its toll.
    For punishment of being lazy,
    The world grows dark and hazy:

    A dreary, dark and dreadful den;
    The golem clears the world of sin.
    Many people lay and die,
    Many children let out mournful cries.

    When the smoke clears,
    There are no more tears,
    No more people to be found,
    Not a whisper or a sound,

    Not a sign of the human race.
    The world a quiet, soundless place.
    Then two small sharp cries let out:
    Two small children left about.






    Submitted on 2005-07-22 18:57:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this...very dark.
    The only thing i could say might make it better...be read more like it should be spoke.
    Maybe add some ...

    Like so

    On the world...
    the golem takes it's toll.

    also at the end I might change it to

    Then...
    A small sharp cry is let out...
    Two small children left about.

    Only cause you say 'two' in the line previous as well and i'm kind of a word nazi.

    anyway...I did like it...very gothic, mysterious, witchy kinda sh*t.

    CC
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright, i dug this on all levels... i think it was by the middle of the 1st stanza that i started comparing this to Iron Man by Black Sabbath... but maybe that's just cause i'm a dork... but to give an example...

    In stone sleep the Golem lays,
    never knowing the world's ways.
    One day the Golem awakes,
    many souls does it take;

    Hades grounds overflow;
    On the world the golem takes its toll.
    For punishment of being lazy,
    The world grows dark and hazy:


    AND

    Nobody wants him
    He just stares at the world
    Planning his vengeance
    That he will soon unfold

    Now the time is here
    For iron man to spread fear
    Vengeance from the grave
    Kills the people he once saved


    See pretty close right? meh oh well... i enjoyed this on all it's possible levels of perception.. whether it was purely fantasy... or whether the Golem was supposed to represent some kind of retribution for the crude acts of mankind... either way it was straight from the mind of a creative gal and i appreciate that you shared it with us... Take care of yerself my friend, and don't let the man get you down... whether he's bashing your poetry or trying to get you to changed something that was SPAWED FROM YOUR HEART so it would conform with his own personal pleasure... everything about this is fine the way it is... it's yours and no one elses... Adios dear lady...

    Travis
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha | [ Reply to This ]
      I only agree wth fo on a few points. As desciptive as this is, I think it lacks substance and needs to be fuller...maybe longer. You began in the middle and I want to know why, or how, the world came to this disasterous end.
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by TigerzLady2 | [ Reply to This ]
      Just to avoid some needless repetition, I would take out or change some of the words. Here are some suggestions. Do what you want with them:
    S3,L4- I'd take out the "many".
    S4,L3-I'd change to "no people left to be found".
    S4,L4-I'd take out the "a" before sound.
    S5,L1-I'd change the "Not a" to "No".
    S5,L3-I'd take out the "two".
    Here ae some other suggestions:
    S1,L4-I'd change "does it" to "it does". Or change the line to: "And many souls it takes".
    S2,L2- I'd change to "The golem takes the worlds toll".
    S2,L4-I'd change to "All becomes dark and hazy".
    S4,L2-I'd change "there are" to "there's".
    Last line: I'd put an "are" in after children.

    Well, I hope at least some of this was useful to you. What's a golem anyway?
    | Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by fo | [ Reply to This ]
      Hades grounds overflow;
    On the world the golem takes its toll.
    For punishment of being lazy,
    The world grows dark and hazy

    I saw Hades, like hell and it threw me for a loop. Your poems are so random and its like you can't find something that you're looking for, but like you said in your journal all poems don't have to have a deep underlined meaning. They can give the poet character. And that's what I feel that this poem gave to you.
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by Brwnsknsam05 | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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