hmmn...i think you could of written alot more than this...yes defently blunt...i mean yeah its to the point but i dont really feel any artistic value when reading this...its merely words on a page...i feel no emotion...maybe i'm just picky...but i think you could of written more...don't take this as an insult because its not its just honesty...so i don't want you to feel like i'm insulting you...i mean...i have never read anything else from you...so maybe short is your style which is coll...but wheres the emotion...purps
ahhh... the awkward morning after huh?! gotta say this aint painting you in a very becoming light... kinda makes you sound shallow... im thinking she prolly dont even know your last name which would make it hard for her to find you in the book... (dont mind me... ive watched too many movies today perhaps...)
personally i dont think anything needs to be added or subtracted to this... it says all it needs to and leaves enough room between the lines for the reader to work out just what your on about if they so choose to.
my only question is about 'i shook'... is that your head shaking or your whole body...? not that its very important really but it could be good to clarify it perhaps... dunno...
so yup... good luck with life and may your morning afters get easier or non existant.
Well I disagree with the other comments. I thought it was simple, concise, and complete. I mean, there isn't that much you can say when it comes to one night stands. Well maybe perhaps you could, for instance, describe how she was and how you were. And then have that last stanza steal the show away. Yet, I found that it was fine just the way it is. Kudos to that.
this is quite blunt if you ask me to me it says... " hey girl i slep with you i had some fun and i am not interested in your number so if ya get lonely or cant leave without me just give me a call i might come back"
i mean i personally dont like poems like this but the thing id that you dont get into it at all and i think that you might wanna reconsider makin an extended version that tells the story
Hey doe, this poem I think is a one night stand he just wanted sex and when she wanted the number it was like a " Its in the phone book I have to go" I might be wrong. I tend to misunderstand poems so often.
INteresting poem if it was what I was thinking. SHort sweet to the point and rather funny. Wonder if this was something that really happened.
what? that's it? okay dude what you have is good... for the beginning of a poem. It's not because it's short. It's because it's so incomplete. I'm not trying to insult your work, I mean what you have is good . But like I said before "for a beginning". I became very confused after reading this as well because the title didn't seem to have that much of a connection with the actual poem. I mean if you're going to title it that you might as well give some insight as to how you were feeling the morning after or what happened the morning after. Or if that happened in "the morning after" what happened the night before? even if this did occur the night before the morning after what happened to cause this situation? Were you guys talking at a club and she asked you to walk her home and you saiid no so she asked for your number? come on... fill in the blanks there are way to many.
Later, Doe
P.S.- If you do edit it let me know so i can comment on it. :) NOTE: I don't usually bash.
Submission Name: The morning after
