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    dots Submission Name: Death (revised)dots

    Author: luvy
    ASL Info:    19/F/AZ
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 270/168/35
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Misc/
    Total Views: 1065
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 629


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeath (revised)dots

    Thoughts racing

    Heart pounding

    Should she end it all

    she sees the knife

    she tries to let the pain seep through her veins

    other ways are considerd

    she invisions people at her funeral

    Her dads not there

    Everyone else is just pretending to care

    The knife is about to penatrate

    When visions of her mother begin to appear

    Her tears flowing like the missippi

    Her heart shattered into a million peices

    Suddenly she cant do it

    Submitted on 2005-07-24 10:56:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is really good. it didnt have too much depth but i still liked it. it is one of the firsts that i liked with not alot of depth. i liked how at the end she makes a chenge it actually had a reason to explain everything. every thought was for a reason. i really liked it.

    | Posted on 2006-04-01 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      how sad for u gena! im sry u feel sad but everybody cares about you! and if u die the whole world would be all sad! AGAIN u cant leave bcz then ill have to leave and then my puppy would have to leave and then there will be no u or me or puppy and then the world would die of poverty bcz our returant isnt there!anyway i tried to call u! lets hook up tomorrow for u bday! my mom said if it was okay with ur mom that we could take u out to lunch! i have the money to get the harry potter book now but no one feels like taking me and they complain about how i dont read! anyway peace!
    ~akaila evonne~
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by iluvpoetry_1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I have gone through that exact same thing...about to commit suicide and picturing my funeral. My dad also wasn't there, but my mom was dead inside... I agree, try to make it a bit longer and use descriptive words the whole way through, as they were lacking at the beginning. But I love it all the same, put it on my favorites, it really touched me...probably because I can relate.
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Rhayne O_Reilly | [ Reply to This ]
      I this alot intill the end you suddenly stop. i think you should not rushed to finish it it would sound better.you started to use discriptive words at the end i like that but i think u need to use the though the whole poem.well hope to hear from you and keep writing
    | Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by seven11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Really enjoyed reading this, seems as if she were to afraid to just give up on her mom, and thats what she would have been doing is giving up, and it was good to see that she didn't end up giving up. Very good imagery also.
    | Posted on 2005-07-24 00:00:00 | by ceestyl | [ Reply to This ]
      damn. u did it again. i don't know what makes u feel this way. hey i know i'd miss u if u died even though i don't know u very well. yea i pictured myself not going 2 my dad's funeral the same way u see ur dad not going 2 ur's. good write girl
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty good. you got good structure and a texture of pain. It feels of pain and confusion, that is what is bringing this poem out, the reason why she did not do it because of confusion and a remorse of love. That is what it feels like when I read this. Very good deep , sad poem. I enjoyed it. Smiles.
    | Posted on 2005-08-11 00:00:00 | by pj5 | [ Reply to This ]

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