Description: My son was born yesterday. I wrote this merely days after hearing the "downs" news.
Despite the subject matter, I would really like comments on the merits of the poem itself.
thanks!
as always, I am appreciatively-
!n3pt
prayer for asher -------------------------------------------
"your baby has downs"
(they say)
not quite like that
but with numbers
and statistics
"risk"
(they say)
which isn’t the same
but it is
(emotionally)
the flood of sadness and
dread
building
toward intolerable
guilt
for not wanting
something
(“someone” I mean)
that has done
nothing
his
innocence
serves only to
sadden
my dilemma;
couldn’t he be evil?
or vindictive?
or malicious?
then I could
(hate)
dismiss him
without this
weight
dragging my soul to the
greatest depths of
hell
but then I think of his
smile
one I haven’t
seen
(but one I’ve imagined)
one that warms
my heart
one that saves
my soul
one that teaches me
more-
more than all the smiles
ever grinned
since the dawn
of
time
when Adam first saw
his Eve
(naked)
but this world is
cruel
and cares more for
appearance
than the heart
behind the smile
and I’m compelled
to pray
“please spare this
child the
agony.”
(although he will be
innocent
naďve)
“please spare me
the grief of out-living
my child”
“please spare
me”
isn’t that the heart of
every prayer?
Wow I really enjoyed this Piece Nice Grammer no real mistakes at all Was str8 to the point and touched on an important subject n feeling at once.All and all a Good read Loved everyline BY the way i'm No Talent check out some of my work sometime
interesting choice of structure, it really works for this piece, though. i like the parenthesis, they are like asides in a play, helping us to understand more of what is going on. i cannot say i'm sorry your newborn has downs. i am starting to truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. congratulations with the new addition to your family, remember that every life is gift and god-bless...
As I've read earlier, I agree that this poem is powerful. I love how you added words and phrases in parenthesis and brakets. It reminds me of asides in a play. It gives the reader that "other voice" in the poem. You're word choice and overall structure of the poem is simple, yet consise. This is now one of my favorites. God Bless you and you're baby.
Powerful, Inspiring look inside...I myself went though a dark moment in life...after rescuing two people off a ship and becoming trapped and dying under a collapsed part of this same ship...powerless...laying in a pool of my own blood...dying... Then along came the most wonderful gift of love...a son...Joshua...without even knowing he exsisted...then his smile...love to a degree never felt...lifted me from this darkness...gave me cause...to live...to love life... May you see many smiles...may you come to understand this love...more powerful than any...may it lift your very soul...this gift of a angel.
wow...very fatherly.so i see u didin't really wanted this boi at first and then ended up dreaming the smiles that it gives. the form is really different and i would have never know that this actually exist. i love new things in writing poems. i just actually started but i see a lot of poems and i critic them with my sis. this is definately another style. keep inventing!
The structure was different. Not my favorite, but it works for this. This seems very sincere and straight from the heart. A family in my church has a daughter with downs, and when her birth (and condition) was announced, they asked us not to feel sorry for them or for her, but to rejoice with them because she was a gift from God and because He had plan for her. I can't imagine what raising a child with downs is like, but a child is a gift, heaven-sent, no matter. It seems you know that though. God bless you as you raise your treasure.
I cannot critique your poem. I believe important poetry is born of inspiration and this is one of those pieces. Surely a new father can't face many harder trials then being told his child has downs. I think you have, with great candor, admitted the failings and concerns that anyone in this position would have, and did it very well. Give him all your love, anything less would cause you pain that would not be worth it. Good luck, Dan
Submission Name: prayer for asher
