Description: it's an inspirational from a movie, "Just Another Teen Movie," or "She's All That,"
and maybe it actually relates to my life..hehe
Perfect Guy -------------------------------------------
I’m happy when you don’t know what I just said
Every time I attempt to say the things in my head
I love it when you don’t know my name
Because ur too busy handling your fame
You always pass the the ball to the person right behind me
Even though I’m obviously free
I think of it as a grace
Every time I see that charming face
You don’t know my name
Because I’m everything but fame
You see me as the wall
Every time you cross through that hall
I’m the only voice you can’t hear
Although I’m the loudest one to cheer
I’ll never be in your crowd
I could never beat all that sound
I love it that you don’t know me
Seeing you thrive, that’s what makes me happy
Well for starters you should capitalize every word in the title and get rid of supposed words like "ur" in line 4. It can be distracting to english-obsessed people like me. Overall, I thought this was a good starter poem. It's easy to relate to for some like the ones who have commented before me. I noticed that every two lines matched, but this one didn't: "I’ll never be in your crowd I could never beat all that sound" (You can go to poetry.com->need help in rhyming for this). I think it's pretty cool that you were able to write this just seeing a couple of movies. You would've had to really get inside those characters deep in able to relate, and give forth these words! Ahhh...what's behind this is almost sad too...invisibility only works for me if I was given a day or two at the chocolate section at Safeway.
Torture! What some of us would give to meet that person, to have them get to know us....but then again, wishes granted... it could be quite scary? Sometimes loving from afar is better...well, at least that's what I've convinced myself many many times. Your poem, I imagined more like lyrics. Switch it up a bit and at a chorus and bridge...I'd say you've got yourself a song... It would be a somewhat angry song, I imagine it as being somewhat twisted...(Not that the words themselves are twisted) just...yeah. So, welcome to elite.
Aww... hehe this almost made me cry. I really liked the repetition and rhyme. The second time you rhymed name/fame I thought that was really powerful. It really enforced how hopeless the situation was for the girl in the poem.
You made some nice metaphors- I liked so many of the lines in your piece. 'You don’t know my name / Because I’m everything but fame' 'I’m the only voice you can’t hear / Although I’m the loudest one to cheer'
I can really relate to this piece. I think many people can. There are countless times when I just look at the 'perfect guy' for me from across the hallway, or from the opposite stairwell, and think to myself: 'Hey, he's smiling, today must've been a good day for him' and then I walk off smiling myself. Sometimes in the lunchroom, he's talking to a bunch of his friends, and I walk over, tap him on the shoulder, and say Hello. But maybe I tap too lightly, or my voice is too soft, but sometimes he just doesn't turn around. Being in the shadows is hard, but for the guy you love- I think it's more than worth it.
Having not seen the movie(s) I expected to be nowhere it terms of the message of the poem, but it turned out quite opposite. I liked the comparision you made to sports, passing the ball when I'm free, is a good way of putting, "always liking someone else" so that was good. I didn't like the repetition of the rhyme "name/fame" because it seemed forced the second time, and deja vu feelings are hard to avoid. Overall, I'd say this was pretty well done, and welcome to elites!
I love this! It really does remind me of that movie, too, i thought about it instantly...The girl in the poem seems so blissfully unaware, or uncaring at all that this guy probably thinks no more of her than he does the gum on the bottom of his shoe. Guess it's all a happy ending if she's happy though. Nice write, I look forward to reading some more of your stuff!
This is really quite a nice poem. I am trying not to use the word cute but it is in fact cute! I think the rhyme and flow are good and well put together and I like the way you describe yourself as the one who always cheers the loudest and how he never passes you the ball. In other words you're invisible! I dont really understand why this would be the perfect guy though unless of course you are soooo shy that you prefer not to be noticed but I would think that would be awful! Anyway, I like this poem, it gave me a smile! Welcome aboard! Take care!
This was very cute. I think it was a nicely written poem. I never seen the movie, so it was hard to follow along. But I have felt like the girl who never could have the cool guy like described here. Your flow was good. You did a good job. Maggie
didnt really understand it, kept jumping back and forth for topic to topic never completly describing one or the other hmmm, dunno but the rhyme was good i give you that, other than that, nice way to put not giving up on somebody thats gave up on you
I got the idea that you are writing about a guy that you really like, but he doesn't seem to know that you are alive. I remember how that feels. I also remember how it feels not to fit in with the "in crowd". Definately not a good feeling. I have to agree with some of the other comments on the lines...
I’m the only voice you can’t hear Although I’m the loudest one to cheer
These are very good, the last one is too.
Seeing you thrive, that’s what makes me happy
Keep posting your work. I would like to read some more.
It must be the perfect guy because he really isn't and won't hurt you because you two aren't together. You see what you think you want at this point in your life anyway, but it reallt doesn't do yo any good because you want to be in the back ground, you enjoy him not hearing you. Rather interesting because it is usually the other way around.
hello and welcome to elite , this is a great piece of work and i can totally relate , i've been there too never been noticed just overlooked or worse looked straight through , u never stop thinking of the perfect guy i'm 30 and i'm still waiting for mr right only i keep thinking i've found him and he turns out to be a mr left lol. great start the only way is up take care lainie x
Damn, you're poem is hot! *whew* I'm glad I got that out. i love it. You're flow is perfect and you're use of repetition is swell. "I love it when you don't know my name/ Because ur too busy handling your fame" Excellent use of words. I can relate to this poem even though I don't play sports. Overall, well done.
Submission Name: Perfect Guy
Nice write, I look forward to reading some more of your stuff!