[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: The Perfect Night, And Guiltydots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 929
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 975

       This was something I thought up in my twisted head...I think this was obvious but just in case the gilr is cheating on her fellow. And this is how it happened and how she feels now.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Perfect Night, And Guiltydots

    With the music and his eyes
    and all the world telling her that it's okay
    she kisses him

    With the passion of the moment and
    her much awaited fairytale and all the world making sure that this night is perfect she lets herself fall into his arms

    And then she wakes up the next morning
    The phone rings
    Half asleep she picks up
    and with the guilt and the pain and the sorrow and the world now turning its back she tells him that she's sorry

    he doesn't really understand why
    because she'll never really let him know
    that the moment
    the perfection
    the music
    the night that she thought was her favorite movie coming true was a night that would cause him pain

    because he was betrayed
    and she still loves him but she now can't understand
    how she let herself fall into someone else's arms

    Submitted on 2005-07-25 01:48:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Wow,,really for a moment i thought that u were writing this about me, and still if it is tell me...but im not really gonna say is for me, jut that sometims i feel like tha was what happened to rachel and i,, and that ill PM you for whats happenin around and inside me..really really nice write tho JAZZY loved it,bye
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by medicated | [ Reply to This ]
      This needs some work. To be honest it doesn't read like a poem at all, it's more like a piece of prose, stream of consciousness type of thing. Putting in some punctuation would probably help with that. The concept is good, but the guilt doesn't really shine through. She doesn't really feel guilty at all does she? ;) Could be good with some revisions, thanks for sharing it :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Thrin | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    You do, I Do written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    AI written by poetotoe
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    True Death written by layDsayD
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Happy Saint Patrick's Day written by poetotoe
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Bond written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Linger written by saartha




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]