Well, whether someone is not ready or not..it does kinda hit you like a ton of bricks huh? I liked the idea of someone just being overcome by love and not really understanding it..and almost having to stop for a second and be like okay what just happened here...I liked it. Good write. ~hailie~
you have an interesting concept here but it seems to be lacking something to really make it as powerful as it could be.
i wouldnt use a word like 'closeness' .. it is an awkward word and the reader stumbles over it..
another suggestion (and this could just be down to personal preference but i definitely think it could do something to improve the poem) would be to switch it to present tense. it will give it a sense of immediacy and the reader will be more engaged in what is happening. . and so also lose the first line "it happened" which is superfluous.
the last stanza on the other hand is perfect. i love the simplicity of it.. it is a perfect reflection of her reaction.. it's a very effective ending.
Wow I really enjoyed this Piece Nice Grammer no real mistakes at all Was str8 to the point and touched on an important subject n feeling at once.All and all a Good read Loved everyline BY the way i'm No Talent check out some of my work sometime
i guess the heat of love is sometimes too much for people. i like how you compare it to the dress clinging on a humid day, definitely hard to be physically close in that kinda heat! i'm curious to know what happens... after the cool glass of tea... perhaps another try?! @ Cat
It's a bit bland, the description should be pushed up a notch, and the poem itself is to blunt, don't tell us what is happening, describe to us what is happening. You should also have a look through and add some varied punctuation. The last two stanzas however, I did like, it pulled us down from this expectation high where we're all thinking "another poem about another uncomfortable kiss which ends hapilly" and gives us this realistic sombre ending. Regards - Uriel