[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Early August Eveningdots

    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 614
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 553

       Sometimes some people are not ready for love

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEarly August Eveningdots

    It happened
    on an early August evening.
    It was a silent slice
    of a miniscule moment,

    but in it
    she felt real love
    for the first time,
    first love in real time.

    It clung to her
    like a cotton dress
    on a humid day.
    Closeness was uncomfortable.

    She pulled away
    into the shade
    reclining with mint tea
    poured over ice.

    She closed her eyes
    and contemplated
    what to do
    about the heat.

    Submitted on 2005-07-25 07:15:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, whether someone is not ready or not..it does kinda hit you like a ton of bricks huh? I liked the idea of someone just being overcome by love and not really understanding it..and almost having to stop for a second and be like okay what just happened here...I liked it. Good write. ~hailie~
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by loveispain | [ Reply to This ]
      you have an interesting concept here but it seems to be lacking something to really make it as powerful as it could be.

    i wouldnt use a word like 'closeness' .. it is an awkward word and the reader stumbles over it..

    another suggestion (and this could just be down to personal preference but i definitely think it could do something to improve the poem) would be to switch it to present tense. it will give it a sense of immediacy and the reader will be more engaged in what is happening. . and so also lose the first line "it happened" which is superfluous.

    the last stanza on the other hand is perfect. i love the simplicity of it.. it is a perfect reflection of her reaction.. it's a very effective ending.
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      Just feel like I am left...hanging...pondering what was next. Is the the intended way you wanted the writer to feel? I liked it alot...kept the attention and flowed well...
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by MidnghtScorpion | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow I really enjoyed this Piece Nice Grammer no real mistakes at all Was str8 to the point and touched on an important subject n feeling at once.All and all a Good read Loved everyline BY the way i'm No Talent check out some of my work sometime
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by No Talent | [ Reply to This ]
      i guess the heat of love is sometimes too much for people. i like how you compare it to the dress clinging on a humid day, definitely hard to be physically close in that kinda heat!
    i'm curious to know what happens... after the cool glass of tea... perhaps another try?!
    @ Cat
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      It's a bit bland, the description should be pushed up a notch, and the poem itself is to blunt, don't tell us what is happening, describe to us what is happening. You should also have a look through and add some varied punctuation. The last two stanzas however, I did like, it pulled us down from this expectation high where we're all thinking "another poem about another uncomfortable kiss which ends hapilly" and gives us this realistic sombre ending.
    Regards - Uriel
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Uriel | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]