[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: An Endingdots

    Author: WandWielder
    ASL Info:    21-f-maryland
    Elite Ratio:    4.42 - 55/62/16
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1005
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 688


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Endingdots

    This world of darkness floods my mind,
    My head is spinning,
    I can not find the way home,
    Itís lost in space,
    Where no one cares,
    To hear my case.

    The earth is dying under Christian feet,
    The pagans crying out in the street,
    The air is black the ground is dead,
    The waterís poison and the tears are red.
    Fire burns an inferno,
    The new religion kills one and all

    The earth is crying,
    I can not find,
    A reason to stay,
    To draw to mind.

    And so with heavy heart,
    I take me leave,
    To walk the earth never more,
    No fear!

    Submitted on 2005-07-25 18:21:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i like everything exept the religion stuff... i dont believe in all the relious crap so thats probably why i dont care much for it. but besides that i really enjoyed this piece my favorite lines were

    The air is black the ground in dead,
    The waters poison and the tears are red.
    Fire burns an enferno,

    those three lines really gave depth to the writing. :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello! I think this piece needs some more work. It sounded like something you needed to write, and that writing it made you feel better. I liked the way you chose your words and what order to place them in. For example, the lines
    'The earth is crying,
    I can not find,
    A reason to stay,
    To draw to mind'
    at first appear kind of awkward when read, but then the second time around, they're really nicely chosen. Normally, a writer would end after 'A reason to stay' but you continue it further with another prepositional phrase. That's something awkward but profoundly novel at the same time.

    I find some strange words that might be typos/mistakes, so look at them again if you like:
    'This world of darkness floads(floods/floats?) my mind'
    'Its(It's) lost in space'
    'The pagans(are?) crying out in the street,'
    'Fire burns an enferno(inferno?)'
    'The waters(water's?) poison and the tears are red'

    There are other errors like that throughout the piece.

    I think the last stanza needs the most work. Poets must think carefully about each and every word they use- there must be some purpose behind the words. They can't just be randomly thrown together because the poet can't think of any other way to end it. "No fear!" is a line that seems out of place in the poem.

    I get an anti-religion sentiment in your poem hehe. Perhaps expand on that to give the poem a stronger feel?

    Rewrites are good. Second time around, the poem might turn into something even better. Keep working at it!

    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
      This is certianly a different view on the earth and upon yourslef. Religion is something we all have, no matter if we deny it, we all beleive in something, the many gods of an Indian tribe, to the trinity of christianity, to meditation, we are all born into the smae earth. yOur poem shows the horrid and the challenges that this earth faces, at times they are so numerable and hard to face, but isn't that why we have faith? Isn't that why we are able to face these challenges, and not use faith as an excuse to escape life, and blame it on the earth, for all humans ahve the ability to do good, to change their lives.

    Now the actual poem:

    My head is spinning

    this line is not needed, because the line before it implies this action, maybe if you used this line when talking about the earth, such as a comparison.

    Your seccond stanza is kind of confusing because it doesn't seem to take a direct stand on religion, at first you say that the religion here now is bad, but also that this new religion is too, it is not a comparison and t makes for some confusion in the peice, because at first I thought you were the Christian, who found this all to be too much, but then you say their not doing enough, so I wasn't quite sure what this all meant.

    The last two stanzas I feel are just being thrown at the reader, they need to be elaberated upon, and annalogies and comparisons so the poem becomes personal to the reader.

    Please don't take offense to all the comments I am just trying to help. I think that the poem has a great base, the idea in it can be taken somewhere, just let your pen flow, don't censor your first drafts, somethings you think are crazy at the moment become some of your best lines.

    On a more personal note I do hope you are doing okay, and this poem is not about you giving up, there is a place in the world for everyone I am sure, though personally I still seek it to, but if you ever need anything feel free to ask. Thank you so much for the post, keep writing.
    much love
    | Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
      this is an inspiring peice that shopudl speak to many of any religion for it is talking (at least in my point of veiw) how the earth is dying and so are the old ways of our ansestors...i myself am a pagan and do believe the christians have an overintendendency to rule everything... thakn you for teh good write adn welcome tro my favs list...-martinimadelvr
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by MartiniMadeLvr | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]