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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Mark of LamemansTermsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LameMansTerms
    ASL Info:    36/M/Hermosa Beach, Ca
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 713/1012/165
    Words: 226
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1271
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2548



    Description:
       this is kind of aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......yeah well it's one of those ----make your mark on this world people before it's too late,
    especially all you young-INS----LISTEN TO LAMEMANSTERMS!!!!(even if it is just this once)!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Mark of LamemansTermsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I
    wonder if maybe you noticed it too….
    Every year the sky
        doesn’t seem as blue
          as it did
    and the leaves don’t fall like they used to
        when I was a kid

    The seasons
       used to bring fresh breezes
    and now it’s just a wind
      with a tinge
       of decay
        that never eases
         like allergic reactions
          that won’t go away

    remember when you’d carve
        your name in a tree
    you thought it would be there
         forever
         not only is the tree not there
    but maybe where the tree is
        it's better

    I
    don’t know
      what it is
       but when I was a kid
        I’d look to the sky
         and wonder where all the birds live
    now I know
           they just flew away
            so that they could die

    think about it, all you do in life is fly
       then you're dead-in mid-flight

        it wasn't even something you liked

    all I see is time passing me by
        us by
          all of us
    without effecting the day
      and nothing for the heart
       we’re just gonna die
        or combust
         I’m not going out that way
          I will make my mark
           I must

    lamemansterms©





    Submitted on 2005-07-26 06:43:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey Mike, been a while. It's sad, reading this poem. I remenisce the times when I was a kid because those were the times when I was once happy. You really do think differently when your younger. Carving your name in a tree and thinking it will always be there. Me and my friend wrote our names in the tree fort my dad made me. We did it before I moved. I hung out with him for a year and haven't seen him in 9 years now. I was so care free when I was a kid, there were no worries. I didn't even think a quarter of what I think now. People always say change is good. Well I've changed and I dont see whats so good about it. You know how I am with women, I can fall for one too quickly. Anyways, this is a good one. I guess you would consider me a youngin since im 20. :) And I have listened to you before. Well I'll see ya around. bye.
    | Posted on 2006-05-27 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh good sir, you sally me with your eloquence. That, and I think it's "affecting" instead of effecting. Of course, I could be wrong.

    It's pretty clear that you've got a rhythm, a beat, and some sort of guitar going in the background of this poem--you write songs, as far as I can tell. But I'm sorry to report to you, that if you're aiming for originality, you're just as bad at it as I am. It's probably a sweet song. Without the tune, though, I guess everyone else loves it. Let me hear it if you get the chance, I'm interested.

    the "peice of work,"
    ~Eternity's Lyre
    | Posted on 2006-07-06 00:00:00 | by EternitysLyre | [ Reply to This ]
      So, a tree shoots off into the afterlife, bearing the scars in its bark of "LMT was here!" hahaha, nice idea, that.

    This poem fits with the recent theme of my last two pieces, and I've had similar thoughts, which echo here back to me. This poem is more personal, and sad, and tugs at the reader with a deep set of truths that cling to us long after we've read the last line.

    I like you when you think in terms like this. You have something meaningful to say, and that's a fresh side of LMT that I like to see.

    Great write, bud. And I agree with Viv, this IS one of your best!
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      Hay brother, how have you been. I love this peice, but I must say that if the current of destruction continues even the mark you leave will only be words in the wind, never to be heard. I like to sometimes think that when I write it will be there forever, but who am I kidding, nothing is eternal. I love the way you put this though, I love every last bit, and sometimes I think that humans are just a disease on the planet. We all have to die though, that is nature as I know it, but just remember what Einstein once said, "We still do not know one-thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us" We think we know so much, but in reality, reality is so hidden. Thanks for the read and thanks for the thoughts, PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      Hay brother, how have you been. I love this peice, but I must say that if the current of destruction continues even the mark you leave will only be words in the wind, never to be heard. I like to sometimes think that when I write it will be there forever, but who am I kidding, nothing is eternal. I love the way you put this though, I love every last bit, and sometimes I think that humans are just a disease on the planet. We all have to die though, that is nature as I know it, but just remember what Einstein once said, "We still do not know one-thousandth of one percent of what nature has revealed to us" We think we know so much, but in reality, reality is so hidden. Thanks for the read and thanks for the thoughts, PEACE.
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by ConScribe | [ Reply to This ]
      A lamemansterms call to arms! Do it now before we fly away and die, unnoticed, the world the same damn place without us...well, I have nothing in particular to say. I can't find specific things that can be tightened or whatever. I mean, there is always room for improvement but I'm not seeing it right now. So, let me just say that I am damn happy to see something from you with a positive message. And I just want to enjoy it...and I have..and maybe I'll make my way back here soon to offer suggestions to make it even better...

    enjoyed my visit...be back soon for more
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      I believe I have already left my mark on the world through my children. And they will do the same thing through theirs. We all leave our mark somehow, in different ways. An you my friend have left yours, through the people on this site. The sky may not be as blue as it once was, and the trees may be long gone, but the passion lives on. Its people like us that carry the dream of a better future, and the mark we make in this world will be remembered by someone.

    This is definately different from the last two pieces of your that I read, but hey, just as great.

    A new fave.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      F*CCCKKKK YEEESSSSSS Baby !

    i love this really. I mean it makes me think about the things we all try to forget...years passing, age taking the glory out of things and of course making a mark before your gone.
    but for some reason it's not all totally depressing. i guess because at the end you say your making your mark and therefore we (the readers) think 'well sh*t...i can too then, all hope is not lost'
    somethin like that.
    anyway...i really enjoyed it.
    i love the way you flip from this crazy, humor poetry to this serious, intense, real life stuff.
    love ya babe

    For this one...you get to give me a spanking...
    (hee)

    Mistress CC
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by C. Starr | [ Reply to This ]
      Ya know, it looks as though L.T., that you have gotten damn good at throwing it down when you have something to say.

    These two stanza are just incredible,
    "The seasons
    used to bring fresh breezes
    and now it’s just a wind
    with a tinge
    of decay
    that never eases
    like allergic reactions
    that won’t go away

    remember when you’d carve
    your name in a tree
    you thought it would be there
    forever
    not only is the tree not there
    but maybe where the tree is
    it's better"

    You got from an innocent memory to a really dark place, to a sad reality and back to a pure wish. That kinda puts the whole piece into perspective. Also, the symbolism of the tree and the name is pretty hard core. You dont want to be the tree...you dont want the mark that you make to be cut down and tossed away, made forgotten and insignificant by time.

    I never stopped being a fan, but now I am signing on again just to see what you and dnd have in store for me.

    Much love,
    Joye
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by pinurplepassion | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved this baaabeee! The sky is definitely dimmer, as are the future options for all our little ones. I mean, when I was growing up I was told that if I did good in school and went to college for a couple years that I would be able to have a nice house, nice car, nice clothes, etc. etc. That was a lie.

    Now I have to look at my little boys and tell them that if they do good in school and go to college for a couple years that they may be able to get a job that hasn't been given to a "special interest" group.

    They may be able to have an apartment, if both parents work out of the home, and that thier kids will most likely be brought up in a state run daycare.

    They will pay almost half their income in taxes to a government that doesn't give a crap and that the odds of staying married are WAY against them.

    Looks like reason enough to practice cutting, looks like it's gonna be harder and harder to leave a mark on the world. God, I hope I can do right by these two little boys!

    A new fav babe! Thanks for the writings that let me vent- sorry for doing it all on your site!
    Take Care!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      And the mark that you leave, that you feel you MUST, will in time be reduced still to nothing but dust... so making our marks is more of an ego thing I think. I don't want to be here forever... I don't want any piece of me left behind.

    But I do think it's a wicked kick-ass poem, and I do like how you wrote it, free form and occasionally linked in a rhyme, but not held in the solid iron cuffs line thru line to force rhyme... it is a good write.
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      screw form, rythm and rhyme, this is just a great piece simply for the words you used and the emotion you've expressed.
    I look around at the world today and wonder what the hell is going on. I see the boys that my two daughters will have to choose from when they get older and I want to cringe. Kids today have absolutely no respect, no discipline and we have no control.
    Everything now seems so much dimmer than when we were kids. But, the question does need posing, is it the world, or is it us?
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      Dude that was totally the [censored]! It makes so much sence and unfortunately is true that everyday we die more... good thing I'm younger than u :-) lol. Keep writing like I saw here man! Two thumbs up :-)
    jeremy
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by shepj | [ Reply to This ]
      Technically, the rhythm is inconsistent, but it reads quite smoothly most of the time, and is quite pleasant. For the most part, I like the visual structure - the way you have laid out the lines, indents, and line lengths on the page. One nit: In the laszt stanza you use the word "effecting"; did you mean "affecting". "Effecting" means something quite different - and frankly, I like it better. However, I do not know if that was your intent.
    As for the ideas, I find the modern alienation unfortunate. Life is joyful, because what it is possible to experience most of all is: Ourselves. Making one's mark is a common, but sad, purpose of modern man; better to recognize that you wouldn't exist if you were not a necessary piece of a structure we can't even begin to fathom. Oh yes: One more thing, the birds did not fly away to die; they died while flying; that is, while being birds.
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi! I always love looking at new things and your poem is certainly something new. I appreciate the effort you seemingly put into the rhyme scheme and form of the poem. Each extra little spacing/indent doesn't seem to strike me as necessary/crucial to the poem, but it's something nice and eye-catching. In some parts of the poem, it helps the flow and could maybe guide you as to how the poem should be read. For example, in the first stanza, maybe all the shorter lines are supposed to be read softer, and the longer lines louder?

    I think there is an uncomfortable spot here:
    'not only is the tree not there but maybe where the tree is / it's better'
    I think 'not only is the tree not there but maybe where the tree is / is better' looks/sounds more correct.
    And because that particular line is longer than the rest- it seems wordy.

    I think the fourth stanza could have a better start than 'I don’t know / what it is'

    I liked your last stanza. That is where the form/spacing is effective as you slowly wind down to your final vow of 'I must.'

    lol It's wise to make your mark now before it's too late. This is advice I will always keep in my heart. =]

    Thanks for the read!
    Farrah
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really a great piece of work!
    You hit the nail on the head. A lot of things you pointed out, is something to really think on.
    Yes the air has changed. A lot of changes. The summer are sooo much hotter. True that, the birds aren't as plentiful as before. Back to the air, there's always smells that linger. Like the lil song: where have all the trees gone? ha! Anyways, your piece is an eyeopener. you take care. Great write! wanda
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
      even though i am 14 even i can say this world is f*cked up. if i could have chose when to be born i sure would not have picked the 21st century. hell i know from growing up in these times it sucks. too much disaster and shti. i have to say my favorite stanza was

    The seasons
    used to bring fresh breezes
    and now it’s just a wind
    with a tinge
    of decay
    that never eases
    like allergic reactions that won’t go away

    that stanza i dont know what it is but i really like it.
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]
      mhmmmmm. rubs hands together. M 1st to comment. hehe.
    L.t (that sounds like Lieutenant I should find something else to call u, gonna peep at ur name)damn no name there...
    I will stick to L.t for now.

    Well seems that time has weighed on u too. I love the nostalgic tone of this poem. and how the font goes smaller and smaller as if the man writing feeling smaller.

    I love the way the poem depicts time that passes and dreams that fade away with age.

    I
    wonder if maybe you noticed it too….
    Every year the sky
    doesn’t seem as blue
    as it did

    The bitter underlying tone keeps nagging the reader all through the poem, despite the resolution to make the mark in the end. The corroborative I must in the end, enhances the bitterness.

    It sounds a tad hopeless, as time slips by merciless. Maybe that is y most ppl have children, to ensure the continuity and to make a mark. To make a part of them outlive them.

    There is a verse that got me confused though:
    "not only is the tree not there but maybe where the tree is
    it's better"

    Is the tree dead? or cut or whatever, or the place changed. Maybe it is just the it's after the is.

    About the rhyme: it flows soooo smoothly that it passes unnoticeable, I had to read 3 times to see it there. It also gives the poem a musical feel, that contrasts with the underlying bitterness, as if the child is fighting the old man in the same person: u.

    "I don’t know
    what it is
    but when I was a kid
    I’d look to the sky
    and wonder where all the birds live
    now I know
    they just flew away to die"

    I think this is my favorite stanza. It just expresses how the simple dreams and the imagination get engulfed by reality as we grow up.

    I also like the way u formatted the last stanza as u said time passing by going further to the right, as if the time is fast forwarding. Then the return to the extreme left with the I must, is not only a return to the starting point, but it feels as if someone wants to be reborn adn to start anew.

    Another fave L.t, the rent is gonna be high!

    One of ur best pieces,

    Viv
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey LameMansTerms

    Nice poem ;0) I must say that I really enjoyed reading it ;0) It is one of you best, not that I have read all your stuff, but this one really have a nice rhythm, a nice structure and the idea are so original ;0) Life fades as we move along “Every year the sky doesn’t seem as blue, as it did” we are only able to watch even though we want to “ make my mark, I must”. We always end up dieing in the circle of repetition. Repeating ourselves ;0)

    Nice work ;0)

    Keep writing;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      I remember when I was a kid...I thought Arnold Schwartzenager (I know I chopped his name to shreds) lived down the street from me...is that the same thing?

    This was a great write. I really liked it. It sounded like lyrics to me...instead of poetry. You flow?

    I have now found someone that gives work I like to read. Congratulations...you don't find too many on this site anymore!

    Li li
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is just BEAUTIFUL lame man!
    fantastic!

    You've taken this age old concept and presented it in an original and wistful way!

    You never fail to shock, amaze , entertain and enlighten me. I love how you have all these different styles. This is one of the best pieces I have read on this site, and one of the best pieces I have read of you.

    Indeed, time is passing us by...

    this had me thinking of all the times, when I was a kid, I'd put my name into trees, and things,...I guess thats a universal thing...

    and I just have to say that the formatting is brilliant for the poem, it adds to it,

    it starts off kinda s l o w
    then becomes faster...
    to this single moment 'mark'



    brilliant!

    definite faveee...



    I would stalk you if my list wasnt full. damn it.


    alexis
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by pennyroyal tea | [ Reply to This ]


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