Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eternal Sleepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LoneWolf
    ASL Info:    16/F/Earth
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 136/108/19
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1061
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 821



    Description:
       ok this one maybe not so good, but i am not a good poet and i kno it.

    idk how to write without being in first person cuz i write only what i am feeling and how does that work ok my brain is blowing up head explody bi bi.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEternal Sleepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Every morning
    I open my eyes
    Trying to see
    In this world of lies

    I want to sleep
    Doze off an eternity
    Sink down deep
    Away from reality

    A lifelong nap
    Gone from my mind
    Disappear to black
    Forever...

    I hate this place
    A land of pretense
    Filled with waste
    Nothing makes sense

    All I kno is confusion
    Fear, pain, and hate
    In this world of illusions
    Where death awaits

    Within my own world
    I hide each night
    Safe from the world
    In mystical light

    Let me sleep evermore
    I don't want to revive
    Just let me die
    I dont' want to be alive

    Eternal sleep
    Come unto me




    Submitted on 2005-07-26 09:52:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i love this one gracie! i thought it was very well written. although, the rhyme seemed a bit forced to me on

    All I kno is confusion
    Fear, pain, and hate
    In this world of illusions
    Where death awaits

    idk, but i don't think that hate and awaits worked really well, course, that could be cuz i had just been passed out for the past hour lol. too cold in here!

    also, in these 2 parts

    A lifelong nap
    Gone from my mind
    Disappear to black
    Forever...

    I hate this place
    A land of pretense
    Filled with waste
    Nothing makes sense

    ending that first one with just the word 'forever' and abandoning the rhyme in that part bugged me a bit. and the sencond one, the flow seemed a bit off with pretense and sense, idk. it stood (sp? that's an odd word,i never thought about how to spell it before lol) out to me. so yeah, there is my critique! enjoy! just work on those things and u'll be good! ^_^
    | Posted on 2005-11-16 00:00:00 | by gothic§kitteh | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very deep and personal poem
    I believe you let out a lot of the scars and emotional pain that has been weighing you down
    To put your thoughts into words should help you heal
    It does it to me all the time
    I look forward to more writes from you
    Thank you for sharing this
    Take Care
    Ron


    And thanks for your recent comments
    I really apprecite it
    I am glad you found my poem to be heartwarming
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      agreed, add the w. by "i hide each night" do you mean sleep or by withdrawing and keeping to yourself? this is pretty damn awesome though. anyway thank you!
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by oyayjoi | [ Reply to This ]
      aw.. so sad.. the only thing is I'd change the "kno" to know it makes your poem seem unedited making it look unprofessional... but is was a good write anyways
    | Posted on 2005-07-26 00:00:00 | by ShadowAlchemist | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree. Not putting the w on "know" makes you sound like some little kid that can't spell correctly. It's a typo that is easily fixed...no big deal.

    If I were you, I'd try not to doubt my writing so much. You are a really good poet. A poet that has emotion and good structure in their poems...that's commendable. You have that... just believe that you work owns. You'll get farther that way.

    Stefanie!
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by DeadValentine | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    68109

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry