i love this one gracie! i thought it was very well written. although, the rhyme seemed a bit forced to me on
All I kno is confusion Fear, pain, and hate In this world of illusions Where death awaits
idk, but i don't think that hate and awaits worked really well, course, that could be cuz i had just been passed out for the past hour lol. too cold in here!
also, in these 2 parts
A lifelong nap Gone from my mind Disappear to black Forever...
I hate this place A land of pretense Filled with waste Nothing makes sense
ending that first one with just the word 'forever' and abandoning the rhyme in that part bugged me a bit. and the sencond one, the flow seemed a bit off with pretense and sense, idk. it stood (sp? that's an odd word,i never thought about how to spell it before lol) out to me. so yeah, there is my critique! enjoy! just work on those things and u'll be good! ^_^
This is a very deep and personal poem I believe you let out a lot of the scars and emotional pain that has been weighing you down To put your thoughts into words should help you heal It does it to me all the time I look forward to more writes from you Thank you for sharing this Take Care Ron
And thanks for your recent comments I really apprecite it I am glad you found my poem to be heartwarming Thank You Ron
agreed, add the w. by "i hide each night" do you mean sleep or by withdrawing and keeping to yourself? this is pretty damn awesome though. anyway thank you!
aw.. so sad.. the only thing is I'd change the "kno" to know it makes your poem seem unedited making it look unprofessional... but is was a good write anyways
I agree. Not putting the w on "know" makes you sound like some little kid that can't spell correctly. It's a typo that is easily fixed...no big deal.
If I were you, I'd try not to doubt my writing so much. You are a really good poet. A poet that has emotion and good structure in their poems...that's commendable. You have that... just believe that you work owns. You'll get farther that way.
Submission Name: Eternal Sleep
