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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Backpacks and Chipmunksdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DevilDinosaur
    ASL Info:    28/M/MR American
    Elite Ratio:    6.53 - 293/197/46
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1004
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 366



    Description:
       Writing while drunk (I've been doing a lot of that lately). So here you have some ridiculous nonsense.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBackpacks and Chipmunksdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I like the backpack I have
    It's black and has many pouches

    Not like the other
    Whose straps caught in bicycle spokes
    While speeding down steep hills
    Sending my head
    Over my handlebars

    Santa does not deliver
    Front teeth on Christmas day
    In spite of what
    Alvin may wish




    Submitted on 2005-07-27 03:24:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Were you riding while drunk too? Lol, this puts me in mind of a time when I was riding my bmx around as a kid... I hit a curb and sacked my nuts on the frame. Boy, that was the most pleasant feeling ever, and I still remember those few seconds when my tender bits were still riding while my mind wasn't.

    Anyway, I don't think you were really wanting an in-depth critique... it's just one of those moments when a "Eureka" hits you... literally lol.

    Funny stuff.
    Peace,

    Jase

    P.S. Actually, I do have a suggestion you may use or not, and that's to break this up where the two pauses seem to be. Here:

    I like the backpack I have:
    It's black and has many pouches

    Not like the other
    Whose straps caught in bicycle spokes
    While speeding down steep hills
    Sending my head
    Over my handlebars.

    Santa does not deliver
    Front teeth on Christmas day
    In spite of what
    Alvin may wish.


    I think this establishes this as more of a poetic story-- with an intro, middle and conclusion. What do you think?
    | Posted on 2006-07-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      This is acute little piece. I like the humor, though I think it might be time to get a helmet. ;-)

    Good work here.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-03-18 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      lol Haha It might be because of the lack of sleep (although I doubt it), but I got a kick out of this. You are too funny.
    I like how it's so calm and simple.
    How anyone could read this and not laugh is beyond me.

    "Sending my head
    Over my handlebars"

    lol I love that.

    Earlier, I was complaining that people aren't funny enough, these days... but it seems I was wrong.

    There's nothing better than ridiculous nonsense.

    Good stuff
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-08-25 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this
    This is a great write
    To me you spoke of a person who possibly does not have enough money to spend on a car so they travel by bicycle
    However what I found that was written very well
    Is how you spoke of cartoons
    I believe that children are easily innfluenced and yes there is too much violence in cartoons
    For instance
    Have you ever seen this new cartoon Family Guy
    Its outragous and completely vulgar
    When I think that they had the audacity to call it Family Guy
    It makes me sick
    I dont know if this is the message you were going for with this write
    But thank You for opening up some eyes to it
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, Chris, long time no see, glad to here you've settled again.

    I guess I should cut and paste Leanne's comment, but she hates that!

    Kudos here, I write heaps of stuff drunk, and it doesn't seem to dim creativity, only produces more typos.

    I liked this at face value, funny and silly. Looking inside, you can see the Freudian wish-list.

    Good one mate, I'll be back to catch up

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-11-20 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Haha! This is short, and humorous and quite interesting in content. I read your description after I read your poem which helped me to understand this a bit better. But it put a smile on my face this morning! Made me wonder if you had been enjoying the same drink while riding your bike too? haha! I cant say anything negative about a poem that is so lighthearted and fun. Thanks for sharing this one, it has given me a welcomed smile! Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-11-14 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      thats [censored]ed up. get yourself a helmet, maybe some skunk whilst ur at it - seriously releases ur mind.

    blah
    b;ah
    b;ah
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by bugsy | [ Reply to This ]
      Chris, you devil dinosaur you,-although not in the same league with your shanty-like ballads, I thought this was rather funny. I alwasy think it's a giggle ,-the wird connections and perceptions of an altered mind-state. I follow the chian of convoluted thinking here perfectly,-(and that's scary!), as a matter of fact i think like that a lot even without benefit of any mind -altering substances. Lately i have been stuck on trying to complete or revise stacks of older things. This makes me feel like burning them all and starting off with a Liter of good wine- and seeing where it goes.

    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      This one is pretty cool just for the fun images it puts in the mind. You did a great job there and the bit about the pouches made me think this was set in the old days. My brother had a bike with a fixed wheel meaning that you could get up some speed and then put both feet on the pedal and go up & down in circles. Your poem took me back and made me smile. Watcha drinking?
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      lol this sounds like a lot of poems I've read by established and famous poets. They make absolutely no sense sometimes.

    I wonder if I can somehow grasp a deeper meaning behind this. I'm guessing Alvin is a little brother who just lost his two front baby teeth and now he's wishing for them back. lol That's cute, if it is so.
    Seems like even while drunk, you're trying to tell us all a message that sometimes life throws at you things that you want and other times it could care less about you. I like the lack of punctuation- it adds to the randomness and elucidation.

    So it seems like out of coincidence and fuzzy logic you've written something that can be admirable. lol

    good job!

    -Farrah
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
      hehe...i liked this quite humerous...lol...alvin and the chipmunks and a back pack one must be drunk to combine such thoughts...looks like when you pasted this word added some random letters in there mine does that to...no biggie though...i actually wish this was longer because i think you could of made it even funnier...but thas just me...purps
    | Posted on 2005-07-27 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]


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