Hmm... I read this before. Why did I not comment? Oh well. I'll do it now
I disagree with what you said in the description. I think it's really good. I love the repetition of "I'm an outcast." It's got a whole sad, lonely feeling... which is what I'm pretty sure you were going for.
I like the part:
"I can see through your act Before you can stab me in the back I'm an outcast"
This is another deep and personal poem from you I do not consider you an outcast Im sure you have the love of a family behind you Remain Positive And it will carry you to a brighter and clearer future Take Care Ron
wow, i just thought, "damn, did he get you too?" lol, but i know that's highly unlikely. I really enjoyed reading and I am glad you presented here on eliteskills. when i was in that same position, I wrote "Hope" and my US History teacher suggested I play sports to cheer up. Anway, I connected the most with the lines: "But what I found in the end Is I dont' need any friends I can see through your act Before you can stab me in the back I'm an outcast
So leave me here I don't care I'll disappear It's more than I can bear I'm just an outcast"
Perfect. The ending seemed a little off to me, but its affect was great nonetheless. Please, keep writing. You have definite skills.
Very good venting piece. I could really feel the emotions you were going through when you wrote this and experienced the anger of a friend leaving you. I love that you kept repeating "I'm an outcast". It really gave some more "ommf" to the piece. I'm not sure why I say ommf... I'm not sure if you understand the meaning of ommf.. but it's kind of like saying it just made it a lot more effective for the reader. Good work! :)
I have a question for you though...you have a line that states you fall into ingorance...I'm not sure if you were just searching for a word that would rhyme and thought this one would sound good or if there is a meaning behind that since you dont touch on it.
There is really nothing to critique on a vent because after all ...a vent is just getting things off your chest/mind/shoulders..so there are no right or wrong ways to write those...
This is a well expressed poem! I can remember having those feelings too! In fact, I still do sometimes! People are just the way they are and you gotta just roll with it ya know? You and your friend will mend fences. She hurt your feelings and is spending time with a new friend but she will come back if you are a good person and a good friend and if she doesn't then you are probably better off. Anyway, I like your poem! I can feel your hurt in your words. Good write! Take care! Lorna
It's one of those teenaged angst poems. Probably one of the first one's you wrote after getting serious about writing. It's one of those days when you are feeling like that...I noticed that you said you think it's pretty bad. The human experience is never a bad thing. Because what one has experienced another has as well...and I'm sure many other teens can relate to this piece:)
Oh, wow, this was really good! I can't really think of anything much to tell you...
You might try not trying to rhyme constantly. I love a poem that rhymes. Sometimes rhyming can make something sound a little too forced. I don't think this was one of those kind of poems...just some advice for the future.