Description: please tell me how you feel. honestly and without second thought. i couldnt care more. yes, you do know what it means. don't ever question that.
true love -------------------------------------------
Fumes laid like dust across the landscape of my wrinkled sactuary.
Fly like only the dead can imagine.
Plain not teased or forced or heavy to carry. Enough to be grasped by light and pushed passed sin.
The shape your in and the the benign sighs. The lies and trials of crying unbeknownst to the mouth chords of size
and oozing deception.
Please send help and tell my mother that I love her and I pray for her protection.
you said dont hold back so here it comes i thought at first that this was a little overdone some of the words are sort of typical, not really my style, flowery... not quite modern, but maybe thats just the way that you write.
examples: sactuary. pushed passed sin.
i just feel like a different kind of wording here would add more intrest.
Fumes laid like dust across the landscape of my wrinkled sactuary.
i do like this line though, fumes laid like dust, is really really cool . i like that
Fly like only the dead can imagine. Plain not teased or forced or heavy to carry. Enough to be grasped by light and pushed passed sin.
i really cannot interpret what this is about. it seems to be just words to me. maybe if you added something more tangible to this, or clear maybe, it would be more relatable...
The shape your in and the the benign sighs. The lies and trials of crying unbeknownst to the mouth chords of size and oozing deception.
again i really have no clue what this could possilby mean or be about. 'the mouth chords of size' ... yeah, your writing reminds me like crazy of my friend jays, whose name on here is 'tstctc' if you wanted to look at that.
Please send help and tell my mother that I love her and I pray for her protection.
i really like this part but cant see how it quite fits with the rest of the poem.
it was really nice to read in the sense that the words were pretty, but its honestly left me with little meaning.
Crystal, I thought that this was a wondeful poem. I took the liberty of fixing your typos and shortening the line lengths to look better on page... tell me what you think...
Fumes laid like dust across the landscape of my wrinkled sanctuary; fly like only the dead can imagine.
Plain, not teased or forced or heavy to carry.
Enough to be grasped by light and pushed passed sin; the shape you're in and the benign sighs.
The lies and trials of crying unbeknownst to the mouth-chords of size and oozing deception.
Please send help and tell my mother that I love her and I pray for her protection.
What do you reckon? Any better? Does this give you more insight as to how your poem gives different impact when given a totally new perspective?
It's too early for critiquing.. but I just thought I would pop in and offer you a simple editing solution... only if you like it though.
this was a wonderful piece.. i think i am going to add it to my favorites.. there is a feeling i get from reading this that i cant describe. i love that feeling. thanks for that ~*~amber~*~
Submission Name: true love
