Arabian Airs by Lelik

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Submission Name: Arabian Airs dots

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Author:	Lelik
ASL Info:	40/M/Jhb - South Africa
Elite Ratio:	5.31 - 1184/979/189
Words:	122

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	355
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	810

Description:
Before I become guilty of just taking up space, here's an offering for the debauched to gnaw on.

Arabian Airs dots

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More than a thousand and one nights of passion,
unbeknownst you were a mindful diversion
with erotic, tender tales – neither enacted nor told –
enveloping in embraces that you did not hold.

Woven in the fabric of Sultans and Princes, you had
cast the enchanting spell of a Shaharazad;
in with the desert wind, a trace of lost and found
whispering delectably out with that breathless sound.

Every lecherous detail carved there in its place,
where the fingers of blind posterity could trace
hieroglyphic pathways for memory to hone,
and captured on plutonic walls in a heart of stone.

Will wanting draw you in a genie’s puff to exclaim,
"At your command I perform three wishes the same"?

Submitted on 2005-07-28 14:34:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  i really like this. u put such great detail into it! keep up the good work! i like the line "Woven in the fabric of Sultans and Princes"
| Posted on 2005-12-08 00:00:00 | by roxygirl | [ Reply to This ]
  ...the sonnet compels any reader with an understanding of what a sonnet is for, to look for the secret doors and the means with which to open them.
i have always liked the form but never given it a try myself - it is too demanding in its way.
this would be held up as a good example though wouldn't it? it fulfils all the requirements.
but there is as always something else going on in the background, behind the arras if you will - you rarely give us it straight.
one might swish past the word plutonic and read it as platonic and there is more than enough here for readers to misinterpret or indeed give up on and move on from, muttering in an unsatisfied chin stroking sort of way. but i daresay that is how you want it to be.
99.99% need not apply...
always a pleasure, never a chore.
take it easy mate,
k
| Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
  You've done an interesting job of writing this one. There's a good amount of imagery, and you definitely gave me an arabian image. So good job there.

My one comment with regards to spelling is the word "Shaharazad." It is actually spelled "Scheherezade."

I also want to congratulate you on your choice of words. You demonstrate a large vocabulary which definitely enhances the flow of the poem.

Now, I'll get a little bit more critical of the style. I don't like how you've chosen to rhyme every verse in an AABB pattern. Oftentimes the rhyme scheme can detract from the poem if it's not done well, and unfortunately, I feel like that's the case here. It feels a lot like you've forced a number of the different rhymes here, and this becomes a negative thing in the fact that the reader notices the rhyme instead of the poem itself. The best way to achieve a smooth well-read feel to the poem is to let the rhymes come naturally; if the lines want to be rhymed, then it will rhyme. If the line doesn't want to be rhymed, then it won't rhyme. Just let the words flow out of your mind and onto the page. The final product will read a lot more smoothly.

Just a final note on the last little couplet, you may want to consider rearranging things so that the point you are trying to get a cross is slightly clearer. I had to read the lines about three times before I understood the phrasing in the first line that led up to the question in the second line.

Anyway, it's a good beginning.
| Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]
  well it's about time! Some interesting rhyming in here but the way you carry sounds over from one line to the next is even more impressive (particularly breathless/lecherous...very nice!).

The Arabian theme is very exotic and consistently executed. And I'm sounding like a professor with a stick up his ass. So enough of the technical [censored]...

you cast a feeling of longing that is very thick and heartfelt. I see a man biting his lip, trying to remain "friends" with someone he has passionate feelings for, for fear of losing her completely if he addresses it...and this is something we must surely have all dealt with at one time or another and it is heavy on the heart...it never goes away, this unfulfilled desire, and you bring those feelings back so vividly.

and you could have written this in a million different ways but you went above and beyond by taking us out of the ordinary and whisking us off on a magic carpet.

750 bonus points for using the word Shaharazad and another 2,475 points for rhyming it.

great images, great emotion, great to have you back Daryl
| Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah I've been to the desert... it just so happens that it was another Chinatown with billions of people, fish, canned goods and fire hydrants. But they had nothing to offer... exept for this oasis of a writer sitting on a red bench with a name I remember and a touch that my skin can never forget. But ofcourse... part of that oasis was a mirage... too bad it was the part that lets us share ourselves completely. And, that might ruin... everything. So I sat by the fire hydrant for water.

-

The beauty of this piece is that it is a pure jolt of energy that was condensed to a sweet exhalation. Like sending out a ghost to haunt another ghost...

And... yeah... whisking is the right word. I didn't choke on it or anything so... yeah... it is quite a chunk of metaphoric meat... but what a bittersweet well-lubicated chunk it was.

It's nice to hear from you again.
| Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
  I always did love Arabian Nights... I've been obsessed with the stories for... a long long time. I think it was because they bought me the Disney Aladdin movie when I was little; and I wanted to know the real story.

Onto your poem. Sonnets I learned about in a 12th grade English class that I mostly slept or cried through (she made us watch Gone with the Wind and it was a traumatic and excruciating experience thanks to Butterfly McQueen) and passed with straight A's. That being said, I don't remember a damn thing about anything, least of all sonnets... so in that case it looks beautiful to me and I wouldn't know any better.

Dude is right, Scheherezade is Scheherezade. At least from all the stories I read.

I hate to pick out all of my favorite parts because the whole thing is just so lovely... but I have to do it a little.

'with erotic, tender tales – neither enacted nor told –
enveloping in embraces that you did not hold.'
something full of sad romanticism... not being satisfied, or able to satisfy...

'Woven in the fabric of Sultans and Princes, you had
cast the enchanting spell of a Shaharazad;'
first, I got so excited at just seeing the name Scheherezade. It's a [censored] to write out but it's just so exotic to me. And then about the fabric; I am so sure that is not what you had in mind; but one of the things that drew me to the entire Arabian nights thing in the first place was the clothing. What I had seen of harem clothing what from stereotypes and all manner of other things interested me. There is nothing more mysterious than a woman in a veil; I guess if I had stayed a Muslim I might actually be a woman in a veil ...

'Every lecherous detail carved there in its place,
where the fingers of blind posterity could trace'
lecherous? a surprising word, but then if I look back at the beginning of the poem, not so lecherous at all. Passion that you feel in the body but never even reaches your eyes... isnt that dirty?

So lovely this was almost edible...

~akhi~
| Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Alize | [ Reply to This ]

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