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    dots Submission Name: A Hollow Doll Hidingdots

    Author: _taateli_
    ASL Info:    18/F/Finland
    Elite Ratio:    4.78 - 84/113/29
    Words: 69
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 770
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 514

       it could be awfully dangerous to hide, you just might die (oh, it rhymes aswell!)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Hollow Doll Hidingdots

    shut your eyes
    ---they won’t see
    [just hide]
    fall on the bed
    of surrealistic dreams
    and weed
    the feathers rain on your body
    and you turn hollow
    and shallow
    and it makes you cry
    and makes you die
    and you just have to feel
    the beat
    and the last time
    ---you breathe

    oh the hollow doll,
    now the window’s closed
    the panic grows
    [shut your eyes]

    Submitted on 2005-07-28 16:42:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Very intricate...
    I actually felt the tickle!!!
    One suggestion, though- surprisingly...
    Your work usually needs no improvement...
    But 'and it makes you cry
    and makes you die'

    Could you throw another 'it' in there?
    so it would be 'and it makes you cry/and it makes you die'?

    I think that would wrap up the flow in a pretty little box, indeed I do...

    Very pretty, very describing me at the moment...
    :) ~Syn
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont think i've read a poem like yours before... i like it. Different first comes to mind obviously, but also, powerful. I have to say that im not as obvious to the feeling as slntfirflm seemed to be, but i got the message. I liked the way it was formatted, and the one word lines. Very nice.
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by PsychoBabble214 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh my gosh your work is so creepy you have a talent here no doubt. i have this trapped feeling in this poem especially under the bed. i dont like dolls myself that might make me biased to the horror of it. the "they wont see" is also haunting as well. *shudders* i like it though being scared and timid keeps a person alive. mike :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      well i personally like this piece. the way you wrote it gives it mystery. i write pieces like this all the time and people are always like it doesnt give enough information to what its about yet i think mystery always gives poetry something extra. my favorite lines is where is says

    fall on the bed
    of surrealistic dreams
    and weed
    the feathers rain on your body

    i think this part has the most emotion in the poem. and i can actually imagine feathers falling on me. and just that one word unreal it stands out saying how everything is so unreal. great write.
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]
      hiding is a powerful human desire. during times of humiliation, stress, and depression, we tend to want to retreat to a hidden world where we can "die" in some way. you've done an extraordinary job with the imagery and emotion here. as always, your words magnificently represent a very realistic aspect of society's mentality. great work, girlie! it's wonderful to see you writing again.

    hugs and hidden worlds of love,
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by dark_and_dreary | [ Reply to This ]

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