[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: EMPTY BEDROOMdots

    Author: layDsayD
    ASL Info:    29/f/florida
    Elite Ratio:    3.16 - 264/243/147
    Words: 73
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 699
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 389

       this is something i wrote a long time ago i was shocked to find it and cant beleive i wrote this way it felt unrefined maybe soemthing i could try again hmm dont know what do you think guys ?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEMPTY BEDROOMdots

    High on evolutionary baggage , a beggar at Satanís door longing for his consort .evil child, innocent angel ,dirty whore .Eyes like lonely silver moons . High heels, claws tinted the deepest shade of red. Sex and seaweed mix with metal to form a dark translucent image. Its so loud tonight not unlike his day time screaming, and it wakes me even now with the same tremendous instinct.

    Submitted on 2005-07-28 18:17:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      you should change the format, break it up into stanzas...but other than that I thought it was good...very descriptive and it flowed quite well.
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by t0_eazy | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this. It has powerful imagery and descriptions. I agree with D.Q. though, maybe it would be better if the format was different, other than that I wouldn't change a thing. :)
    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by RedRoseofBlood | [ Reply to This ]
      this was actually very good. only i also agree with the others. this would be practially perfect if u put it into phrases type of form like the others have showed ya. ummm i think think thats about it for now so otherwise nice job!

    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with _D.Q._ This is very interesting I must admit I'm not sure I fully understand the imagery and references, but like the feel and images. I would format it such;

    High on evolutionary baggage
    A beggar
    At Satans Door
    longing for his consort
    Evil child
    Innocent Angel
    Dirty whore etc.

    I hope this is helpful - Nice write! :)

    | Posted on 2005-07-28 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Remedies written by MyPeriodical
    Meditations one written by MyPeriodical
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Remember written by MyPeriodical
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by _winky_
    written by Daniel Barlow
    In God's Name written by poetotoe
    Gone written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    A Donde Llegamos written by MyPeriodical
    I am still sorry. written by MyPeriodical
    The annointed one is persecuted. written by MyPeriodical
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Legends written by poetotoe
    Silly Rulers. written by MyPeriodical
    Chasing The Lie written by jackz
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    I am a sorry son. Part two written by MyPeriodical
    Heroína written by MyPeriodical
    Survive ed - right back at the beginning written by MyPeriodical
    Instances written by hyproglo
    written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by MyPeriodical
    Giant written by MyPeriodical
    Leyenda de Un Maldito Cobarde written by MyPeriodical




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]