loneliness is death is fear and death and fear is god is loneliness. oooooh. i like how you've laid out loneliness as death&fear and then gone on to say that since death and fear are GOD and death and fear are loneliness then god is also loneliness. it's very unique, it could only come from someone half-crazed and completely sane. the personification of all these emotions (as well as god) works well. i like the way you portrayed them as lovers... the sense of letting yourself be taken by emotions comes across well. the title- probably the thing i like the best about it. first it means people who are the lovers of lonliness (as in...they're permanently involved with it/her...can't escape) and also people who like being lonely (yeah, right). but afterwards with the personification, it just takes on another meaning blah blah blah. the [death] ... i understand the necessity of it because people will not necessarily read the bold lines as part of the poem, more as section titles. i wish there was another way to do it. anyway, good ideas, nice write.
Ok girl I read this for the second time today I am still taken back by this because of the subject matter. There is nothing in it that should offend the God lovers that read this. The use of the bold type breaks it up and makes it better to read in my opinion. Nice job
woh that is such a powerful poem. it really made me sit up and pay attention, like woh that is really good. there are so many interesting features in this poem. firstly the formating, though it really shouldnt matter makes the poem interesting. i like the reption at the start of each verse. the containment of the first two verses is also good. they could be entirely individual poems and then you draw them togtehr so wonderfully with the final verse. seriously good job.
she’ll take your breath away
okay your poem is brillaint but i think that this line takes slightly form the seond verse. i know that fear does tkae your breath away and incapcitate you and stuff but ti is so terribly clichéd. and i know that this coudl eb taken as turning a cliché on its head (sorry thinking as i type) becuase usually to tkae oens breath awya implies a good thing, but as a phrase it is seriosuly over used. but maybe i just looking for somehting ot comment on becuase this poem is really good. it is wonderfully dramatic, and it dosnt matter that its darka dn not bright and such, the world is a happy sunshine place most of the time. the marrage of fear and death is wonderful, and as you took off your hat for me, i return your hat and take off mine. brillaint job. harri
dude, that is just what i needed to read right now. i dont know why i feel lonely right now, because i'm actually on the phone with my boyfriend, but i just feel so alone and lost, and this poem really captured me. i could relate to every line, and i loved the flow of it. how you kind of ended each stanza with the same type of idea...that flowed very nicely. i definitely think this is one for my favorites collection. no negative criticism here!
this is sad, obviously. I can't say a whole lot about the poem itself because I'm too involved with the person and know she is going through hard times. As you know by following my work, I've been struggling of late too. Now I've kinda come out of it, and did so by leaning on my friends and family. I hope you will do the same.
and the irony in the poem of course is that you cannot succumb to it...you must not...we're here for you babe, at least as much as we can be from this side of the monitor...
i don't think it's offensive, I think it's honest and honesty when it's introspective can't ever be offensive.
I've always seen god as being lonely cause it doesn't seem like there are enough good people in history for heaven to be anything but nearly empty and the good people are loners...seems like it would be a lot of people off on their own clouds and a shy god wanting to talk.
I love this, up to a point! The first two stanzas I thought were great, but the last one threw me off, not because of the "god" reference, but because if "Loneliness is god" the first two stanzas become redundant. In stanzas one and two you dealt with "loneliness, death, and fear", all natural occurances. Why not then, "Loneliness is Nature". Simply change "creator" to "mother" to complete the image. I would also change "deathly" to "mortal".
I loved this, found it to be pointedly insightful, touching a raw nerve with its attitude. "Loneliness" can be infuriating, can cause one to become angry, and there is no cure, save love. At times, love is a lost companion, and we walk with "loneliness", only to become believers in its powers. Is it God-like? It can seem so, when that's all there is. I like the formatting of this, with the emboldened title lines for each stanza. I thought the repetition of the last line and alteration of the final line worked well to keep the reader interested.
"stick your tongue down her throat give her your everything - "
This truly personifies "loneliness" and "(death)".
Having chills down my spine! This is scary! You must be really in the bottom!
I can assure u one thing, your poem is not in the least offensive. It is just a well thought, subtle imagery in tight logic.
I love ur 1st stanza. Death is a female, it is always represented as a male, and u say embrace it in a sensual way. As if there is a sort of pleasure in death. (hope u r not gonna do anything foolish though).
Moreover death is represented like a lover: "give her your everything – she’ll take your breath away"
It is such a negative thought put in such a nice frame that u wanna read over and over again.
Actually maybe u meant the loneliness as a lover. talking about her like a much feared yet embraced lover.
Certainly ur being down came up with a wonderful write. Good job.
This is so unique because more people use the lord as a positive image in their writings, but you take it in the whole other direction. Even the part about God in return being a mistrees is well played because it rivals the more traditional views of God as a male figure. And yes, loneliness can be all these things, but loneliness can be much more. I still love this peice though. It is so well played. I really like how you make references to the previous two stanzas in the last one. This again creates that sense of unity, ties the peice together, and makes for a rather awesome closure. I would change one thing about your format though. Make the first two stanza's like the last in regards to the first sentence. I really like h=this peice though, a definite favorite. Thanks for the read and talk to you soon, PEACE.
this poem basically made my jaw drop. i really liked this piece. im not sure if this is so but it seems that you implied death, fear, and god as a girl and i like that. giving death and fear a personality. though im not sure why you had death in brackets [death]??? that confused me a bit.
i would have to say my favorite piece was: "Death: [death] is your mistress embrace her stick your tongue down her throat give her your everything – she’ll take your breath away"
i love how you implied death as a mistress like someone who is going to seduct you. great write here... this is going under favorites.
holy [censored] y do they all leave such long comments!.. i loved it you made loneliness out to b some temptress..its perfect n it totally fits cuz its something we try to resist but sometimes we jus cant help it
Everytime I drop by and read something of yours I am dumbstruck! You make it hard to comment on such an intense piece- Dang you! Anyways, I'll give it a shot...
I love how you have caught the persona of lonliness and not only make it female, but a female god. I think the way you have portrayed this intensly debilitating emotion is absolutely beautiful. I envision a beautiful woman shrouded in black lace, slinking up on those who are alone, unprotected. *Looks over shoulder as shivers climb up my spine...*
Thanks for the beautiful piece! Take Care sweetie! -Chell-
Well first Im gonna say hi! Seeing as how I know I went M.I.A. for a very very very long time. I had to say I read this piece and couldn't help but think about a conversation I had recentley the topic being how there are only two real emotions (1)Love and (2) Fear, and how everything else is just an off shoot of them. Its weird how fear can really interfere with our lives, like were afraid of being alone and in turn sad because we just want some one to love. Yet we fear rejection so we embrace the loneliness of not approaching that or who we are feeling love for. It's a vicious cycle, and in the end just another example of how life really does come down to Ying, and Yang. Iwish I had more to say on the piece itself , but you know me I always wind up talking about what I thought after the read. Thanks for making my brain work. I will hopefully show up round here a lil more. and I hope your alright._john
its amazing how you can bring out such feelings in such few words. i know that most writers tend to be inspired by events in their lives. i applaud your talent and understand your sorrow. always thinking of u... andres
Well, there is no start off to this one. So I guess I will just ramble from wherever my head kind find a point to relate. First off, there is something about this piece that emersed me into it. It was a nice read.
The title is amazing. I think that loneliness is always taken as the opposite of being in love. Yet to think of how one may love loneliness. The longing to be with oneself just for so many reasons there might be. I personly am one of those people who likes to spend his time alone. Do not really enjoy the hustling of people. Or the mass noise that is the product of all those getting together for mindless chit chats.
I like how a feminine comparison is used and the overall metaphor with passion and love making. I wonder what I meant by that. Then again I jsut wrote it so I am not bothering to rephrase. Death is your mistress. It is like forcing one to take death as one's love and to embrace it since that is something not only which gives relief yet it is something which is inevitable. For all there is living just might be a temporary phase to which death is a final destiny. We do not aftermath and we definitely do not the prelude. We live since we got life and death is the future so one must nurture its coming. Not to mention welcome it. That is the way of nature.
it felt so nice reading it since I am in a very strange mood right now. Very paranoid and very scared. Of what I do not know. I like the way fear is potrayed since I think these are certain things you have no control over. You can definitely fool yourself to be brave but there are dear amongst all ofus of something or the other. All depends on how we we live our life and how we perceive all that is around us. Fearing death is something which does not really go since we cannot really compare them. They are like two entities. This according to me is well potraye with the last lines of both these stanzas being the same. "She'll take your breath away". Yes she will even if you do not let her. SO just give in to her and embrace nature. God redeemed as the creator on the other hand is what makes us believe that deviation of nature is possible. God is nature yet they work separately. God is within us and then again not really. For who do not believe in god it does not really matter yet for those who do it does. Yet at the end of the day it is the same life we all ive, same fear we give in to and die we all must. There is so much to live for yet there is really nothing apart from just avoiding our fear and waiting for death. It is the fear of insecurity that we work so hard for so that we can earn our daily bread. Why live when you know you must die? It is the fear that makes us go on. The love for which we fear and isnt what we love is actually an avatar of God? Since that what we live for. I like the oveal; insight that this piece evoked in me. Thanx, nice read. It was great
well, I see you have once again written something I hate. You have managed to put words to the indescribable here.
I think one would have to be pretty imersed in lonliness to write this. Actually I dont think.
The last stanza I think is the best, because I think it is the most acurate or because I think it most poignantly captures the nature of lonliness. "succum to her- and she will take your will away." I hate how true that is.
When you feel most alone, when you are emersed in her, she really does take your will away. Your will to smile, to be around people, to let you heart beat etcetera etcetera. So sadly true.
The title is very catchy and sparked my interest in this peice. However, I am not sure it goes with it, and then again it may be perfect. Let me see if I can sort this out.
First off how could someone love this drowning ubiquitous lonliness that you speak of here. It is surly an awfull fealing, but then again when embraced you no longer need anything because her will has become yours you dont need friends or family sunshine or smiles so you love her maybe because in a way she is all you need. Not sure though. Id like to hear your thinking on the matter. Very solid write again of corse, this one had me thinking.
still hate it though (because I hear my past echeoing here).
You made loneliness seem so seductive and you put the idea of God in a very provocative context. Very interesting piece. Loneliness really seems sometimes like a drug, a bad addiction and obsession that you cant rid of.