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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Memento Moridots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 43
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 669
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 332



    Description:
       The title refers to remembering the dead, in this case the memory of a former lover in the mannerisms of someone totally unaware they've triggered such a flashback.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMemento Moridots
    -------------------------------------------


    An epiphany rose
    as I entered,
    stiffening in a chair,
    although she
    showed remarkable
    restraint: teacher,
    lover, friend. She spun silk
    words around her fingers
    cooed lullabies at me,
    slept like a wave on
    a flowing ocean
    too delicate
    to keep




    Submitted on 2005-07-28 20:53:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    An epiphany rose
    as I entered,
    stiffening in a chair,
    although she showed
    remarkable restraint:
    teacher, lover,
    friend.

    She spun silk words
    around her fingers(,)
    cooed lullabies at me,
    slept like a wave
    on a flowing ocean
    too delicate
    to keep(.)

    A total re-enjambment suggestion and a couple of punctuation tips. Also, I broke this up into two stanzas as it's not so clumped together. These are only suggestions of course, for you to take or dismiss as you wish.

    You've trimmed the fat with this one, utilizing economy in words to present a poem with brevity and insight.

    My nitpick would be the word 'stiffening' - it just doesn't sound right - or maybe it's the syntax jump/point of view between you and your past lover that jars a bit - know what I'm talking about?

    This bit -
    'slept like a wave
    on a flowing ocean
    too delicate
    to keep'
    - was inspired in rhythm, and sensational in imagery and emotion evoked in me.

    Hope my suggestions may be of help. A touching write.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2005-12-23 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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