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~Please Big Sister~

Author: Archer
ASL Info:    17/female/Oregon
Elite Ratio:    4.82 - 118 /148 /53
Words: 158
Class/Type: Poetry /Mirror or Mask
Total Views: 1122
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 869


I know my last few poems have been duds... i was kinda stuck in a rut and taking it out on you by punishing you with having to read them but i think you will all enjoy this one and i can promise you that there will be lots more where this one came from....
love and light

~Please Big Sister~

Don’t let this world get you down,
Your so beautiful but yet you still where a frown.
Belittling yourself and causing your self pain,
A war against the you inside driving you insane.
But I see you for who you are to me,
But you try to change yourself, I want you to see.
I want you to look into your own eyes,
To see what’s beneath your disguise,
The makeup, the cloths, the ring in your nose,
The hole in your tongue, it is all a distraction,
Made to make you think you are ok.
But please believe me when I say there’s another way.
Your beautiful but you don’t see who your are,
Distancing yourself to watch love from afar.
But I know you better, please try and see,
You’re my Big Sister, that’s all you need to be......

Submitted on 2005-07-29 02:54:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Wow, another good piece by you, Archer! I'm very impressed! :) I love pieces like this, I wrote one very similar called "Shadow Over Me," you might wanna check out if you get the chance. This has a beautiful message for anyone, that you don't have to try to fit in with the crowd, or rebel against the crowd in this case, to be special. And this poem is especially endearing because its written to a sister. There's something very tender and sweet about a younger sister trying to help her older sister see the truth about herself. This one pulled at my heart-strings, and anytime you can emotionally touch the reader, you've done your job. Excellent work, my friend!
| Posted on 2005-11-07 00:00:00 | by Jengrr | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Bobby_Dzyre comment above. That middle section seems a bit choppy. It doesn't follow the rhyme scheme that you have in the rest of the poem. If you are going to have it not rhyme, that's fine, but you need to do it for the whole poem.
The biggest thing is consistancy. If you are going to have some lines rhyme, they all need to. It's kind of an all or nothing thing. It either all needs to rhyme, or all doesn't.

But overall it is a good piece. I can especially relate to what you are saying, having met your sister, and having one of my own.
| Posted on 2005-09-15 00:00:00 | by Spiderwebb123 | [ Reply to This ]
I tell you what, you should let your sister read this. Your poem says it all. The love you have for her is expressed deeply by your words. She should know you accept her for her. A beautiful dedication piece. Good write! take care wanda
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  I think the emotion in this is outstanding. Yes, a few typos and a little rough around the edges, but the feeling throughout it is strong, and the message is clear and so loving, and that is what makes this great despite the few flaws.
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
  I love the messege that this poem sends. Self acceptance is sometimes one of the hardest things to overcome. The fact that you are there for her with love and acceptance is wonderful. I pray that she will feel that from you and use it to help herself. Nice work. I agree that you should give her a copy of this poem. Even if it does nothing to help her realize what she is doing, at least she will know you care.

As for the things that threw me, I noticed several spelling errors and there was a break in the rhyme as mentioned already. But those can be fixed easily enough.
I will have to read more of your writings.
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by Traveller | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good piece! You should show this to your sister.
The second sentence you should have "wear" instead of where.
You know what? That's just a lil typo. All of us do it from time to time.
I have nothing negative to say about this write.
It shows a whole lot of love. The love you have for your Big Sis. You can see her for who/ what she really is. All sibs should understand the true meaning of bro/sis, bro/bro, sis/sis. This was really good, beautiful and expressive. GOOD JOB! wanda
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this poem alot.. It is straight forward, sweet indeed. I think sometimes the younger siblings of one can see and look up to the older one. But than you just want them to be happy and you want best for them.. For me I can see somethings since I am the youngest in my family. I know not to make most of the mistakes my three other siblings make.. Some of them are darn stupid, and I think that I would have never done that. But than again maybe not. Also its the same way for the older person looking out for the younger ones.

I like this, I think you did a good job with the rhyming scheme. Overall its a really good write. Well one thing I didn't quite like was that you put YOU in the poem so much. Well at the top you did. It was yet hard to read with all the yous, and yours. But at the bottom, you started to leave them out. I dont think you need to put you cause its title Please big sister, we already no its about her. So I would put alil less of those.

Maybe you should give this to your sister, maybe if she reads it, maybe somewhat she will realize something. That someone cares enough to write a poem about her. Which is really amazing and thoughtful

Good Job
I really enjoyed this write
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by XxStephyxX04 | [ Reply to This ]
  Yup, this is a good poem. I don' think I have read your previous stuff, but I think this is a very special one. I have some suggestions...

The following lines need some editing-

"The makeup, the cloths, the ring in your nose,
The hole in your tongue, it is all a distraction,
Made to make you think you are ok.
But please believe me when I say there’s another way"

I noticed the rhyme scheme that you followed in your poem and it breaks in these lines which I feel shouldn't happen.

Thoughts wise, I think its quite well written and MOST people will be able to relate to very well. I do have a big sister myself but she is nothing like what you had described in the poem, yet I could understand the emotions that you wanted to convey. Thats what makes this a special read. Its not an emotional drab at the same time its not too simple.

Its just right!

Final judgement: One of the good ones I have read so far, editing of some lines could make it superb
| Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by Bobby_Dzyre | [ Reply to This ]

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