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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Brokendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: K
    ASL Info:    26/Namibia/Africa
    Elite Ratio:    5.64 - 183/172/46
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1015
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 983



    Description:
       Another random thought or something that just came out like this.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBrokendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Shattered sounds too broken
    Like it can never be mended again.
    Cracked takes away some of the brokenness
    Like the significance is not acknowledged.
    Broken is what it remains though.

    My brokenness is not hidden from others
    It is only confused with things like
    Shyness, insecurity, low self-esteem
    All very relevant
    All a result of being
    Broken
    But not the reason for being
    Broken

    If you cared to look
    Beyond the forced smile
    In the shakiness of my walk
    My whole demeanour
    You’ll see that I am broken

    You cannot mend me
    No one can
    I can perhaps be restored
    But not entirely
    Some part will always be blemished
    Even if it is no longer visible
    Only death
    Perhaps memory loss
    Will fade away the brokenness

    Until then
    I remain whole
    But
    Broken




    Submitted on 2005-07-29 03:25:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      pretty good, but you use the word "broken alot, not that thats bad, but i suggest using a synonmy insted that way it doesnt sound too repetitive....
    i totaly understand this one, your a gret poet,
    all that i have read of your writings are great!!

    Isabella
    | Posted on 2007-01-12 00:00:00 | by IsabellaAurora | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the way you present this idea of being broken and how this brokeness somes out in your behaviour ..wholes walking around broken and unmended while everyone pretends to be fixed and applies everything to be personality traits rather than brokeness.

    I kind of don't like the title. It is a bit simple, and broken is said enough times in the poem for it to be very clear that we are talking about to be 'broken' .. I guess I just thinkn that the title needs alot of attention .. that it needs to be something that either sums up ,or expresses a paralell image or thought .. or some [censored] like that .. maybe something like 'broken whole' ... would do it more justice .. or 'am I whole ? ' .. unmended being .. or being unmended .,,, or something along those lines .. if you see what I mean ?

    ok enough about the title ..

    I really liked your first line of the poem.. it kicks off the poem and the thought in the right direction and i have to agree with you ..
    I think you could do a bit of pruning in this poem to maybe make it flow a bit better .. or to follow up the strong start of the poem ..


    Shattered sounds too broken
    Like it can never be mended again.
    Cracked takes away some of the brokenness
    Like the significance is not acknowledged.
    Broken is what it remains though.


    maybe her eyou could just cut out 'some of the ' in the third line .. and the 'though' in the last line .. which makes it a bit more of a firm statement .. so ;

    Cracked takes away brokenness
    Like the significance is not acknowledged.
    Broken is what it remains.

    .. in the rest of the poem the repetition of broken and brokeness works quite well i thought ... good stuff. maybe a bit of punctuation and tend to the all caps at the start of each line would tidy it up a bit too ..

    thanks for a good read, hope you don't mind the criticism ..

    cheers,
    christian
    | Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by x-ianhoyskolt | [ Reply to This ]
      Until then
    I remain whole
    But
    Broken

    this is what it says on the can... random thoughts... on the whole i like it though brokeness is a tricky thing to write about without sounding like ever other broken writer out there (and believe me there are many...)
    part way through this i was like ugh! too many 'broken's... while that is the point you are trying to convey i think you could cut out some of the 'broken's and perhaps sharpen this up somehow... so that it FEELS broken... so that when the reader reads this something in them breaks and they can identify with the pain of brokeness...

    the last stanza/line is brilliant... i remain whole but broken... i mean... that completely contradicts itself but it makes perfect sense... logically its not possible and yet it is completely real in todays world... very well put i think...

    brokeness is an interesting word/idea... i mean... how broken is broken and how broken is too broken beyond repair?

    Shattered sounds too broken
    Like it can never be mended again.

    i like how you address such an idea... shattered sounds too broken... too over the top... too dramatic... perhaps not quite how it really is for me right now... it also sounds to big and scary... like i cant ever be whole again...


    Cracked takes away some of the brokenness
    Like the significance is not acknowledged.

    but cracked doesnt sound broken enough... theres a balance somewhere... theres a word that somehow describes your exact state of brokeness and yet... both shattered and cracked are broken... i really like how you play around with these ideas... it does set this piece apart from the other broken writes... makes the reader want to read more to learn what brokeness really is...

    i really liked the beaing a result not a reason idea... its so easy to label something and blame it for why you are the way you are and coz there is a label or reason there is no need to make anything better or try to fix what is broken or wrong... i really admire this veiw point/stance... i guess it is you partly taking responsibility for your brokeness in some ways...

    the third stanza is ok but the fourth stanza... im not so sure it really works for me... it almost seems to distract/detract from the piece somehow... i guess it also just sounds like all the other 'broken' writes and that is what i think you ought to be trying to avoid... so far in this piece (up til this stanza) you had set yourself apart from broken writes in a few ways but its almost like this stanza plonks you right into the cliché pool (i dont mean for that to sound harsh...)

    but the end... it kinda redeems you... ive told you already how much i like that last line...
    perhaps (and its fully up to) you could rework that fourth stanza... maybe take it out entirely and write something else in in the same vein that the poem has been careening down...
    i realise though that this poem is your thoughts, ideas and feelings toward brokeness and so if this is how you feel you cant change that... i guess i am just trying to encourage you to keep trying to set yourself apart from everyone else in your writing... good luck and i hope your broken wholeness allows you to contain some happiness along the lines...
    | Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey this is a very poignant write...However, its a boldly crafted piece that intricately converses the state of mind of a tarnished soul..Someone who has been battered and cant be easily glued together just like that..Hence, it becomes very difficult to suddenely feel as though you are insync and can take to the world..This piece ws beautifully crafted with its strong, but beautiful words...It felt like you c were writing about my life, but sure many other souls can thoroughly see themselves in this one..You make misery and pain feel like such a beautiful emotion merely because you accept it as being part of you...In as much as you say, that the only thing that can make it disappear would be death or amnesia...I really enjoyed the honesty in this write...There's a huge part of me that has been described by this piece, but I am in a process of HEALING..A very POWERFUL piece...Very moving and so HONESTLY CRAFTED!Be happy...Nobantu
    | Posted on 2005-09-06 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
      I like what you are saying here, I think you could have said it better, but nontheless...

    Brokenness is an interesting thing. Some people dont consider it entirely bad.

    I think the second line should be "to ever be mended again" instead of what you have.

    You use the word broken a few to many times in this, I think. To the piont where it becomes redundant. I think you would do well to try to create more "broken" imagery, describing how brokeness looks like you did in the stanza that the others liked so much. What you did there was good. This is a good start to an even better futrue work, perhaps. Keep it up. Lefty.
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      Most of the time when i read the poem, the word "broken" or similar to it was always there. Although your title is that and that is how you feel, there are other words for it. That alone took away a lot of meaning.

    Isn't Cracked another word for broken?
    "Cracked takes away some of the brokenness"
    I don't really get this sentence...It doesn't really make sense to me. Can you explain it?

    "My brokenness is not hidden from others
    It is only confused with things like
    Shyness, insecurity, low self-esteem"

    This piece is the first thing that really made sense...That this feeling you are having is not covered for others but they confuse the feeling your having for something else. This part is nice.

    demeanor is spelt wrong. Not a big deal but still i noticed it.

    "You cannot mend me
    No one can
    I can perhaps be restored
    But not entirely"

    This is a bit confusing. It's like saying: you cannot fix me but then you can. Which one is it?

    The last part didn't really strick me like it was suppose to. Your idea is incomplete. Through out this entire poem you told me you were broken...Why, How? Tell me your story

    Behind this piece, i feel like there is so much more to be told that you've kept away from the reader and to me it didn't have much effect as i would of wanted to. If you are telling the reader that something wrong has happened to you...Show it don't just say well it did and that's all i have to know. I cannot feel the pain without the description. I cannot feel it if it is incomplete.

    This is a good piece but it needs work. Don't take my words so hard, i'm just trying to state my opinion and my feelings towards your poem. Hope i helped out.

    Peace...Irina
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      this sounds almost dead like a poem i wrote a few months back. i have had so many people hurt me i am truly broken inside and i always have to force to make things seem okay. i can completely relate to this poem.

    "If you cared to look
    Beyond the forced smile
    In the shakiness of my walk
    My whole demeanour
    You’ll see that I am broken"

    this stanza is my favorite because i can actually imagine looking at certain people who try to hold their head high yet underneath the flesh they are completely shaking and their inner self is ruined. i really love the way you worded each piece. this is definately a favorites addition!

    Jessi~
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by slntfirflm | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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