Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Elite?? Bitch Please!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: solemnpen
    ASL Info:    18
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 303/339/42
    Words: 462
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Angry
    Total Views: 925
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2841



    Description:
       True feelings bout this shit, bout ready to move on to something thats bout dat


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsElite?? Bitch Please!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Aiyo p, brack can you feel the spotlight?
    Unknown Soldier, Can you hear em scream??

    People talking about class
    like I'm supposed to drop my pen
    and kiss ass
    Well this is as close as you will see me get
    "thank you for giving me material"
    you little pussy ass bitch

    Using these fools brain as a stepping stone
    leaving no grave unturned
    no beef unsolved, Students who have come
    get ready to learn, Mixed up With the P
    bringing the beast outta me
    i can feel so much hate, from this bullshit
    But only half the haters can even read my shit
    improvised from dumb shit to real truth
    now this site is locked down
    like that whiteboy in phonebooth
    Every soldier beside me pointing that pen
    with the ink just itching to bleed
    This is for every little bitch
    that cant see me
    for mistaken my respect for lust
    you done lost your muthafucking mind
    if you think we gonna bust


    just to get shit started, cause thats what i apparently do, so after this piece i guess its true
    but you say one more word, im gonna get me an atlas, and fucking murder you, done lost format, fuck that and them gay ass frats, eliteskills?!?, what ever, half these bitches high off they grandmas pills,better sign a will, or get off this shit,of telling me "solemn" you need to quit,just started and you want me to retire??

    As stated before, they saying im acting like a juvie
    what do you expect you dumb ass, I am one
    Get that dildo outta your butt, and try
    reading something for fun
    before i have to hit you in the head
    with your own damn gun
    "bring your crew" you got to be kidding me
    Saying that to me, you must be ribbing me
    "you got guns" thats great, heres your cookie
    now go load em up, while i get your girls nookie
    But honestly somebody please tell me
    i wanna hear you scream the answer
    WHO GIVES A FUCK???!????
    I dont, so thats why i write this with no regret
    you can copy and past this shit all over the net

    Darksyde is the heartbeat
    the only reason that elite knows the streets
    skills, have been developed, by dropping niggas
    with my lyrical wheel,of truth that keeps turning
    ahh, the fire keeps me burning
    and people gonna start learning
    I aint know 2 week wonder, im here to stay
    Until i get to where im going
    Who gives a shit about whos stalking?
    cause when we through with elite you will know
    Cause the 6 of us will throw up that finger
    Hollering Fuck you and keep walking
    and wont shut the door




    Submitted on 2005-07-30 18:20:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Um...what exactly was this about? From reading the comments, I'm going to guess retribution for someone not giving you a good comment on one of your pieces. Now, call me crazy, but isn't that what this site is for? Critiquing and bettering our writing? I'm sorry, but this just isn't good. It comes across almost as a toddler's temper tantrum for not getting his way. If you can't handle someone critizising your work, don't put it on. And if you truly want to make a statement about how you feel towards others, why not try a few less swearing, they'll be more apt to listen. After this, thier just laughing.
    Traci :)
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by onetruesmartass | [ Reply to This ]
      Whew! All that anger because I didn't want to bash somebody! Amazing. If that makes you this mad, what would you be like if I really did tear apart something you'd written? You've received plenty of comments on this -wa-a-a-y more than it deserves - so I'm not going to bother with an analysis. The only commen that I have is that obscenities are nothing but filler when your vocabulary is so limited you can't think of any other meaningful way to express yourself and that a threatening rap is hardly original. mae
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm always glad to be an inspiration. I've been dissed by many on Elite, so don't feel like you're the first to take shots at me. It's flattering because it so rarely has anything to do with my writing. On a lot points (like the atlas line), I was having fun with you, but I don't think it's cool to diss people in your writings (especially since you've been here so briefly). I don't like reading the ramblings of a braggart because it's been done in so many raps for so long; even if I were the greatest poet in the world, writing something that toots my own horn is pretty artless. If it were true (and trust me, it's not), it would be evident in my writing, and I wouldn't have to tell everyone else how much they suck to prove it either. However, I'm kind of disappointed that I'm not named on your little list, Amy
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      It might be an age thing, but I'm not particularly impressed with this. I've never been keen on lyrics that espouse how great their writer is and how stupid people that don't like him/ her are. It's been done to death, and I just wish people would realize that. I won't even take the time to go into detail about how obvious your rhymes are and how horrid your grammar is. I know well enough that rap is written in dialect, but I still think you need to use apostrophes, commas, etc. (or write in a style that doesn't "need" punctuation) properly in written work because it helps avoid confusion.

    Throw you hands into the mother[censored] air
    Shrug your shoulders, tell elite [censored] you
    Bitch I don't care

    Well, that's not exactly unique is it? Wow, a rap laced with obscenities telling me to throw my hands in the air. I've only heard that a million times.

    Using these fools brain as a stepping stone
    leaving no grave unturned
    no beef unsolved, Students who have come
    get ready to learn, Mixed up With the P
    bringing the beast outta me
    i can feel so much hate, from this bull[censored]
    But only have the haters can even read my [censored]
    improvised from dumb [censored] to real truth
    now this site is locked down
    like that whiteboy in phonebooth
    Every soldier beside me pointing that pen
    with the ink just itching to bleed
    This is for every little [censored]
    that cant see me
    for mistaken my respect for lust
    you done lost your mutha[censored] mind
    if you think we gonna bust

    Again, calling other people dumb doesn't make you look better; it makes you look defensive. Actually, this whole piece is akin to "sticks and stones." Silence would have served you better.

    Lets start the list
    of fools who can cock their head backs
    and drink my piss:
    Mae
    ratiomeducet
    wolfstar

    Well, even if you have a problem with someone, I say tell that person and not publically humiliate him/ her, but I suppose that's asking too much. Class is as rare as "common" sense. I just don't get people who enjoy provoking people.

    just to get [censored] started, cause thats what i apparently do, so after this piece i guess its true
    but you say one more word, im gonna get me an atlas, and [censored] murder you, done lost format, [censored] that and them gay ass frats, eliteskills?!?, what ever, half these [censored]es high of they grandmas pills,better sign a will, or get off this [censored],of telling me "solemn" you need to quit,just started and you want me to retire??

    I'm sorry, but "im gonna get me an atlas, and [censored] murder you" made me laugh (and not in a good way). I guess it just makes you sound geographically challenged like "Where the heck is Georgia? I want to kill this guy, but I can't find my way out of the bayou."

    I guess this is what you should expect from a fifteen-year-old, but this is so juvenile; you need to accept that not everyone is going to like what you write. Why not just ask these people that bug you not to read your work anymore? Mutual avoidance has worked well for me with certain people on this site.
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      DSYDE, 4 LIFE. rep that [censored]. rep it to the core. troy be predictin how i'm gonna react. this was what its about. NO REASON. thats a policy:
    no reason to life
    no reason to care
    kill you snobby [censored]es for NO apparent REASON.~P
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      And By the way...I liked this very much and am impressed at your way of expressing your anger
    "Every soldier beside me pointing that pen
    with the ink just itching to bleed
    This is for every little [censored]
    that cant see me
    for mistaken my respect for lust
    you done lost your mutha[censored] mind
    if you think we gonna bust" <<-love this
    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, I have to say, and I'm not a big rap fan (never made it out of the 80's) but your work makes me take a closer look at the style. As for the subject matter:
    People never cease to amaze me...I am new here, and you know that, but so far, and I'm talking in all my life, all the poetry I have written, all the poetry I have read - funny thing, I don't notice "errors" because it is poetry and there is a whole freedom license there that says, write it as you want...
    When I read poetry - I read it for what I get out of it - and I get more than I can express from your work. You are honest, direct and extremely visual - I am big on visual when I read and I have read almost all your work on here and am yet not to be impressed.
    Do not let a few people with eyes that can not see allow you to feel so angry - you deserve better and are worth more than that
    Lisa
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by ravenwolf68 | [ Reply to This ]
      wait til pj reads this [censored]. damn holmes u really reppin that darkside huh. i fealt the luv. thanx 4 the shoutout. peace homie
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, you can really tell you are pist! When I first came on, some guy, can't rememeber his name now, but he tore apart one of my poems that I held so dear. He would give me a stupid statement like, "this one is like a greeting card at walmart". There are some in here who will give you bad remarks, but not do anything to help you. You just have to ignore them and move on. There are those on here who will give you good feedback, you just have to be patient. The longer you are here, the more they will appear.

    I think this is a great rap. You can see that you are really wanting to learn something on this site and use it as a way to excel at writing. I can see this in this line
    "Using these fools brain as a stepping stone
    leaving no grave unturned"
    I think that is aewsome. Don't leave, stay and see what happens.

    As far as who you named, I don't know anything about all that, but hey, if someone was rude to you or did not help you, maybe they just don't understand your method. But, there are those who can appreciate good writing in any form, me included. You have some talent, and don't let anyone tell you different.

    Indigo Kid
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by Indigo Kid | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this a lot, you can really feel how mad you are at the people on this site, i do agree with some of the things that you say, a lot of people on here look at your work and then say, there was a few spelling errors and the flow was a little weak here and there, everyone says that and we need to stop, your poem reminds me of my friend who writes on here and how mad he is, i'm glad you can vent like this but i don't think that you would want to turn this write into a song, if you think about it no one would know what you are talking about, i agree with Liv2LoveThePain that it might not be such a good idea to threaten people but what can you do when you live miles and miles away?

    ~liz~

    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow.. I'd never dream I would have a 15 year old white "man" insult me for no reason in his raps.. Unless you have a reason..
    Do you?
    I've only talked to you once and you spent the entire time ridiculing my religious preferences..
    Is this your mighty christian way of doing things?

    But all in all you can talk [censored] about me day into night and back again.. and theres nothing I can do about it. It really is of no consequence to me.. I ship out in less then a month anyways and wont be here anymore.. So what do I ultimately care?

    Anyways, personal feelings aside.. Heres my comments on your rap.

    This first stanza started out strong.. I could picture someone yelling this out..

    The second stanza however is one of the most over used examples of lyrics you'll hear in almost every club song.. Try spicing it up alittle..
    Even "Throw your guns up" sounds better.

    The third stanza loses some coherency but comes back at times..
    "But only have the haters can even read my [censored]" - Doesnt make sense.
    "now this site is locked down
    like that whiteboy in phonebooth" This is a pretty good analogy.. But generally, at least i find, rappers tend to either use brand new or popular movies in their lyrics.. That movie is neither.. I feel this takes away from what you are saying because of so..

    "Lets start the list
    of fools who can cock their head backs
    and drink my piss:
    Mae
    ratiomeducet
    wolfstar"
    Doesnt sound right.. way too many syllables in ratiomeducet for this to fit in there.. You might try different ordering or even breaking up the names.. But as is, spoken aloud, it doesnt sound good.

    5th stanza has some real grammatical problems.. I realize this is rap and you really dont need it.. But without beats and a mic it's just written words, that being said.. nobody wants to take the time to review your works, if your not going to take the time to at least edit them before posting.
    "but you say one more word, im gonna get me an atlas, and [censored] murder you" Not that i've ever said any words to you.. But you want it, kid? I'm only two states to the left right now.. But i doubt you really do.. Bring your crew if you want to.. Guns? I've got those too. (Look a rap)

    6th stanza same feelings as 2nd.. but if this is meant to be a chorus you might make it little longer and make it more like the entire piece summed up.. I realize it is, to an effect, but elaborate more..

    7th stanza
    "the fire me keeps burning" bad grammar
    "Cause the 6 of us will through up that finger"
    wrong word usage
    I think the last part is kinda weak compared to the rest.. You might add in a little two line outtro like your intro.. Different of course..
    Like;
    "Aiyo p, brack turn down that spotlight!
    Unknown Soldier, you heard 'em scream?"
    Something along those lines.

    All in all.. not bad, needs a little editing..

    Seriously though.. Whats your problem with me? What have I ever done to you besides tell you I'm not interested in hearing what you have to say about your god?
    Just picking me out of the blue? Thats fine.. be a bully.. No skin off my nose.
    Ratio.
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by Ratiomeducet | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this. It expresses true feelings and it's worded good... lol awesome. My favorite part was:

    "now this site is locked down
    like that whiteboy in phonebooth"

    I thought that was funny. You're talented. I don't know how, but I guess some people just don't see it. I would tell you to not listen to them, but I'm guessing you're already doing that.

    "you say one more word, im gonna get me an atlas, and [censored] murder you"

    Ooo angry. I feel ya. I would say that it might not be a good idea to threaten, even if it doesn't really mean anything, but I'm all about self-expression... so say whatever the f* you want. It's all good. Just as long as that atlas doesn't lead you to my house

    Another great job. PeaCe.
    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      damn cade u had to start to strart [censored] with some one didnt u and at of all ppl myx come on now thats not the best person to start beef wut but i dont like his panty wear bytch azz either i would beat the [censored] out of him if i could so i got u if u need me


    heavy knowledge
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by heavy knowledge | [ Reply to This ]
      F the Haters! You know, I was in your same shoes not too long ago with people hollering about what is and ain't poetry. Who can define poetry? It is something that comes from within which means there is no certain thing to write about or no certain format to follow. Rap is nothing but poetry to a beat. These people need to open up their minds and realize that the world is changing. That means we must adapt. A Poetry Slam is now an actual event. People don't really have poetry readings anymore. It's a slam. Urban Poetry does in fact exist. if you don't like it, don't read it! Hey Cade, they don't wanna get me started...LOL I loved the attitude in this...Just don't let that [censored] get to ya. You gotta kep it at what it is...Entertainment...

    X
    | Posted on 2005-08-18 00:00:00 | by xtremegentleman | [ Reply to This ]
      sorry folks but i think this is funny. you are pissed i get pissed all the time some folks annoy me. but most of the time i find out they are helping me. one person you mentioned here which i wont bring up his name. i like that guy cause after we got into our spat he went to one of my most difficult poems and almost cracked it wide open. that poem he did 99 percent of the people needed an explanation. so there are some people that knock me out of my shoes. but still i like this it was very humorous but i never would put anyones name till i told them, so they would get a chance to tell me a yes or no. you have to have just a little more restraint my friend as far as putting names out there. listen to me cause im one of the angriest guys here i know what im talkin about. peace and take care, mike :)
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]
      damn you are so tight! you are talented... i just didn't see how other people say this as a joke and said "it made me laugh" you know how to express your feelings and put it in a correct order (not like me...lol)
    i've read your raps befor up in the forum and i liked them...and you shouldn't stop just becasue somebody told you..thats bull...yeah i loved your poem
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Kay | [ Reply to This ]
      Im sorry to hear that people dont like your stuff but you shouldnt let it get to you because its other people and who really cares what they think what matters is how you see yourself. Now I disagree with writing a big o'l rap and or poem what not, to dis those who dont like what you wrote. This just opens up opportunity for humiliation on your part. It's like asking to be made fun of. While some people may like what you read, you will always have those who don't. Another thing, maybe you should have read through this before posting due to spell errors and sheer stupid remarks. I mean, spelling words improperly on purpose, was cool for five minutes until everyone tried it. So while your getting that atlas, go and get yourself a dictionary.

    -Darksyde-mutha[censored]- <-what is that???

    I guess I should give props for [censored]ing about a website...and arguing with people you'll never see...

    Who gives a [censored] about whos stalking? <-apparently you, you wrote about it.

    cause when we through with elite you will know <- thats nice kid, now try sitting down and shutting up. We will deffenitely notice that.

    Now i bet your feeling all good about yourself sitting at home listening to your [censored] they call music thinking, "That's write, I sure told them off"...well maybe more like this..."Bitch please, nigga busted them up for shizel dawg. G-UNIT!

    Like cuddledumpling said, you probably wont make it out of the bayou without an atlas...and why dont you get a "pen" with a built in compass while your at it.

    That just shows you what happens when cousins marry. "git-r-done!"

    and dont go on my page and insulting me, it'll just make you look dumber.

    !DONT BE HATING!
    | Posted on 2005-08-14 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... This was bad. Poetry is what we are looking for here... Not rap. And why do I say this is rap? Because no poems have "em" and "pussy [censored]" in their poems. You go around telling everyone how much their poems suck, but the truth is, their poems are better than yours so you have to.. in terms you can understand, "hate" on them. All in all, I did not like this AT ALL! Learn how to write a poem, not rap.
    | Posted on 2005-08-15 00:00:00 | by SorrowfulMind | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow...this was interesting. You have a very great way of getting your point across. I disagree with some of the comments made here. Won't mention names, but you have me intrigued with your style.

    Every soldier beside me pointing that pen
    with the ink just itching to bleed

    I absolutely loved this line. It stuck out more than anything else. I respect you for what you have to say. As I've said before, I couldn't even fathom a dream of walking 2 feet in your shoes...but you've given me a good idea through what you have to say. Oh, and I would've never known who you were talking about in this. So, as far as I'm concerned, unless I completely missed something, I give you a ton of credit for not publicly humiliating someone else...they managed to do that themselves from what I've seen. Please let me know if I've missed something.
    Great job...don't stop! There are a lot of people that don't want to face the truth and even more that can't handle it...keep forcing them to face it!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a tight lil flow you got going on here. I really liked it. The only thing that really makes me kinda think you can make it better...I am not one to usually say this...but clean it up a little bit...you used maybe a little bit too much foul language...*shrugs*...I know I know...you are over there rolling your eyes. SORRY! Just my opinion.

    This was a very strong flow though. Brush it off homie...just brush it off!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    68673

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry