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    dots Submission Name: Day's Lifetimesdots

    Author: WandWielder
    ASL Info:    21-f-maryland
    Elite Ratio:    4.42 - 55/62/16
    Words: 100
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 635
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 663


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    dotsDay's Lifetimesdots

    The sky rained with amethyst.
    The clouds a soft and quiet mist.
    As the light fades,
    The blackness settles.

    The coal color of night,
    The diamonds and their twinkling might,
    Sit there quietly in lasting glory,
    Fading and crying as in mourning.

    The light appears in amber glaze
    As the sun did slowly raise.
    The rooster calls unto the sun,
    As the stars begin to run.

    The day sings with a bird's song.
    The sky is bright and the horizons long.
    Clouds float as in a dream,
    Drifting and shifting in a calm peaceful scene.

    Submitted on 2005-07-30 21:17:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hi there, this is a very enjoyable piece. It's just kind of relaxing, and I like the words you chose and I like how you put them together.

    'The coal color of night,
    The diamonds and their twinkling might,'
    I love this.

    I think that this has some grammar errors though, and I must agree with the other commentor on the comma use, it seems there would be better flow if there weren't so many of them.

    So, the first line of the first stanza is in the past tense, the second, third, and fourth lines are not. I think you should make the whole stanza the same tense, either past or present.
    In the third stanza the second line seems kinda off too. It seems like it's in the past tense and line 1, 3 & 4 are in the present. Again I think this should be worked on.

    Anyways, these are my suggestions, and I hope you find them useful.

    But like I said, this is very enjoyable, you have written a very nice piece here. :)
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by bas | [ Reply to This ]
      Floaty...ahhh. Such a lovely, relaxing poem to read after a day in the scorching sun... a nice way to close a day, yes? First off....the title was GREAT. Sometimes a single day can seem so long and so much can happen it can seem like a lifetime... Anyways, when I read it I didn't necessarily comprehend it all...I just enjoyed the words. (Which is a GOOD thing)

    Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry about that last thing I said in my comment.. lol how can a comment be successful? I meant to say helpful =P

    'Hope you found my comment HELPFUL and not too long. =P'
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey. =]

    Glad to be the first to comment!

    You have pretty colors in this piece and great descriptions of the day and night cycle. However, I feel like that's all there is. Maybe you throw the colors and descriptions around too carelessly without really a purpose or message in mind. But then again, many of us write without a purpose- we write because we want to.

    I feel maybe there's an overuse of punctuation here- kind of hinders the flow. For example, in our first stanza we have an awkward period at the end of 'The clouds a soft and quiet mist'.
    Does the phrase deserve a halt there? Is there a reason to pause before continuing to the next line? Hm.. 'As the light fades, / The blackness settles.' could be more descriptive to go along with the rest of your descriptions. What kind of light? What kind of blackness? Is there a better word to use than blackness?

    'As the stars begin to run.' seems to be another weak line... and the last line is disruptive in flow because of the extra syllables. Just some things to look at if you want to!

    If you're into perfect grammar and stuff, I think you're missing quite a few apostrophes in the poem. Look for them. xD

    I liked the original descriptions used in here, especially 'The coal color of night, / The diamonds and their twinkling might', so good job with that.

    One last thing- rhyme scheme is a bit weird...it's different for the first two stanzas and the last two. Was this intentional?

    =] Hope you found my comment successful and not too long. =P
    | Posted on 2005-07-30 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]

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