Melissaaa, dahling, you morbid thing. Sike, teen angst is a good thing to let out. All your previous commentors havent been big fans of rhyming, as they've clearly said, but I am.
I think in your second stanza you kinda repeat the first stanza.
"Through and through the day All around the town"
I think you could do without the All there. Just keeps more to your rhyming syllables.
The rest was great though. Good job Melissa! Get all of this out of your system:O) Hope you post more soon.
I like this poem...I'm not a big fan of rhyming mainly because I think ppl can get too caught up in it and it takes away from some poems but I think you did a very good w/ this. "The bitter truth it shines I'm crushed by my fears My imagination it blinds Resurrecting the tears" I thought that was excellent...made me stop and thing. good write. keep it up.
You did a fantastic job on this...I actually like nighttime better myself anyway..lol..I write most of my pieces at night..that and I have to work all day...I liked the rhyming...Keep it up.
I'll open my eyes The truth I will see It's time to be wise And face reality
loved the ending a reality check in a short stanza. open your eyes so you can see, because people cant look at the truth, they're afraid it will hurt to much, and by looking away they think that is smart just as long as reality dont catch up to them. but during someparts such as the first stanza it seems like your trying to force rhyme, it sounded good but just remember everything doesnt always have to rhyme. just a thought, nice write but try to think of a title, try to personalize something that was written well, it will make the piece stand out more
What a clever write! Original, and held my attention. I have those moments myself when I don't want to face the day.. where the sun just isn't welcome and I want to close my eyes to it all. I'm glad it doesn't last forever. This is rather long but it has an interesting way of speaking to the reader, so it doesn't seem long at all.
"It falls down the sky And stagnates beyond the moon" - Interesting way of putting it.
I liked this piece and it was a bit mystical and brings to mind the thought of a new life, a new way. I liked the rhyming too as it fit this piece and the message. Great job, especially in 10 minutes~ Love,Peace,Joy! tif ; > }
Thank you for your comments on my In the End. i am trying to find another way to say linger longer. As for this one of yours it is well said that at times the sun is an enemy of the night as well as the living. I wish there was a switch to shut it off for just a couple more hours ! I would have to say all in all a 7-8 on a scale of 1-10 Keep letting go and you will have a better grip . POPPA JON
What I got from this is people have got to wake up and face the harsh realities of life. We don't want to, but we gotta. Either it be someone lost, children dieing on the streets, etc. we've need to notice and take action instead of seeing it up next on the news and flipping the station.
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