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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: frozenconscienc
    ASL Info:    17/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 91/55/13
    Words: 243
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1423
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1561



    Description:
       Completely random. I'm still deciding if I like it, myself.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The sun burns my sleep
    And forces me to awake
    Me-to myself-I keep
    For mine own sake

    The sunlight burns
    And forces me to rise
    The death of sweet dreams
    It's time to look alive

    It follows me everywhere
    Why won't it let me be
    Its hateful glare
    Makes it hard to see

    I try to run away
    But it chases me down
    Through and through the day
    All around the town

    It's too bright I know
    It fights against me
    And what it will show
    Will not set me free

    The bitter truth it shines
    I'm crushed by my fears
    My imagination it blinds
    Resurrecting the tears

    It falls down the sky
    And stagnates beyond the moon
    Where it would finally die
    Taking me with it soon

    The moon fakes a smile
    And hushes me to sleep
    So I can dream a while
    Where my thoughts run deep

    I dream up a place
    Where the sun doesn't burn
    And life isn't a race
    What a wonderful turn

    I sleep as long as I can
    As happy as can be
    Till I remember how I ran
    And what the sun showed me

    I fight to stay asleep
    And shut my eyes tight
    But the timer has to beep
    It's time to face the light

    I'll open my eyes
    The truth I will see
    It's time to be wise
    And face reality.




    Submitted on 2005-07-31 15:58:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Melissaaa, dahling, you morbid thing. Sike, teen angst is a good thing to let out. All your previous commentors havent been big fans of rhyming, as they've clearly said, but I am.

    I think in your second stanza you kinda repeat the first stanza.

    "Through and through the day
    All around the town"

    I think you could do without the All there. Just keeps more to your rhyming syllables.

    The rest was great though. Good job Melissa! Get all of this out of your system:O) Hope you post more soon.

    -Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem...I'm not a big fan of rhyming mainly because I think ppl can get too caught up in it and it takes away from some poems but I think you did a very good w/ this.
    "The bitter truth it shines
    I'm crushed by my fears
    My imagination it blinds
    Resurrecting the tears"
    I thought that was excellent...made me stop and thing. good write. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by blackbeauty5791 | [ Reply to This ]
      You did a fantastic job on this...I actually like nighttime better myself anyway..lol..I write most of my pieces at night..that and I have to work all day...I liked the rhyming...Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by t0_eazy | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I'll open my eyes
    The truth I will see
    It's time to be wise
    And face reality

    loved the ending a reality check in a short stanza. open your eyes so you can see, because people cant look at the truth, they're afraid it will hurt to much, and by looking away they think that is smart just as long as reality dont catch up to them. but during someparts such as the first stanza it seems like your trying to force rhyme, it sounded good but just remember everything doesnt always have to rhyme. just a thought, nice write but try to think of a title, try to personalize something that was written well, it will make the piece stand out more
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
      What a clever write! Original, and held my attention. I have those moments myself when I don't want to face the day.. where the sun just isn't welcome and I want to close my eyes to it all. I'm glad it doesn't last forever.
    This is rather long but it has an interesting way of speaking to the reader, so it doesn't seem long at all.

    "It falls down the sky And stagnates beyond the moon" - Interesting way of putting it.


    Take care!
    ~Sandra
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece and it was a bit mystical and brings to mind the thought of a new life, a new way.
    I liked the rhyming too as it fit this piece and the message.
    Great job, especially in 10 minutes~
    Love,Peace,Joy! tif ; > }
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Thank you for your comments on my In the End. i am trying to find another way to say linger longer. As for this one of yours it is well said that at times the sun is an enemy of the night as well as the living. I wish there was a switch to shut it off for just a couple more hours !
    I would have to say all in all a 7-8 on a scale of
    1-10
    Keep letting go and you will have a better grip .
    POPPA JON
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by poppa jon | [ Reply to This ]
      What I got from this is people have got to wake up and face the harsh realities of life. We don't want to, but we gotta. Either it be someone lost, children dieing on the streets, etc. we've need to notice and take action instead of seeing it up next on the news and flipping the station.
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]


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