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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Night Alonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nwproud
    ASL Info:    27 / vancouver, wa
    Elite Ratio:    5.62 - 280/243/64
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1046
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1057



    Description:
       hmm, the other day, i was trying so hard to write, and the words, they just werent coming, it was so frustrating, but then that night, the block went away, and i just wrote what was coming to me, it was great, everything going on in that moment in my life, went down in writing...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Night Alonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    concede to believe the promise in potential
    exposing a heart confined
    intricate emotions forfeiting their cause
    in response to a failure of mind.
    extracting the purpose from a random thought
    forcing itself into a dream
    loneliness spreading throughout the body
    a numbness succeeding the passion
    a passion once overwhelming...
    so in revelation of truth
    deciding the paths of those content
    and ignoring the possibilities of those distraught
    here it is I lie, with tears in my eyes
    fixated on what was, instead of whats to be...
    my heart denied, still with so much to prove
    i situate the reasons to accept defeat
    converging again on the single idea...
    the idea that she could be the one.
    in the eyes of the people, though
    distinction lies in what it is one does
    but a bitter world prohibits subjection to conflict, so,
    enticed by my pain, and foregoing chance
    I shall directly take what's to be mine...




    Submitted on 2005-07-31 16:11:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey Tony, it's Ricky.
    This is probably the first read and already I am hooked.
    When you described this as being that sort of release the night the block left..... It just got me thinking.
    And in the end of it all my hope is that you have been able to take what's to be yours!
    Keep writing man.... I'll read you again later.... bit busy at the moment.....
    | Posted on 2005-11-26 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      hey been a while. I like this. It had good flow. I guess I got lost in some of the vocab I'm just wicked tired right now 2am. Well good write. Talk to you whenever.
    | Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is an interesting piece...a little random thought put into a nice poem. Even though I like the poem, I had one little problem. I agree with harri, the first four lines is exceptionally well written.

    concede to believe the promise in potential
    exposing a heart confined
    intricate emotions forfeiting their cause
    in response to a failure of mind.

    the words and sentences just immediately caught my attention leaving me thirsting for more. These first four lines are beautifully written...clearly any reader can see that you have talent when it comes to wording. However, as I read on I sort of lose my captivation at times. But, I must say again that this poem is well written. Im sorry I just can't get over your word usage, the way you make it flow...it sounds as if its rhyming through the whole poem, but its not. I just can't quite put my finger on it, but something is missing as I read it...its a tiny something, but nonetheless it distracts me as i read. Again, this is still fantastically written. Again, nice use of words. thanks for sharing

    later days
    tracey
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the opening fo this poem, and i know i say that alot. but it is a huge strenght of this poem.

    concede to believe the promise in potential
    exposing a heart confined
    intricate emotions forfeiting their cause
    in response to a failure of mind.

    the first four lines have a greta flow and rhythmn, which unfortunately is not aswell sustained through lout the poem. thw ords you choose were interesting and challeneging. they add to the poem so much. infact the vocabulary you use through out the poem is wonderfully rich.

    however at times, you seem to lose some control overthem, and it becomes as if you're trying to fit the words into the poem. many of the lines start with long sounds which can be cumbersome to pronounce.

    i liked your use fo repetion in the poem aswell. when i first read the poem i wasnt expecting the first break, and it kind of jolted me. as i said before you don't maintian the rhythmn through out the poem but you could possibly look at creating a new rhythmn after each break. finally you use a complete and utter cliché-

    she could be the one.

    there are some many other wyas of phrasing she could be the one. it sounds trite and unorginal. nontheless this is a good poem, and i only just realised that you wnated thoughts, but im going to post this anyway.

    but as for thoughts, i enjoyed the way the poem showed the emotional struggle you are facing. at leats i think thats what it is. okay ive got to stop rambling now.
    harri
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by harri | [ Reply to This ]
      hey nwproud

    I have read you poem a couple of times to get a better picture of what you have done here. It is nice to read, because your flow, and the words you have used. But I must say that I had a hard time to through it, because you do not give the person who reads it a chance to think or a break. It just keeps coming right at you. The idea is quite interesting and I see where you are heading, but I think that it could become even more interesting, if you gave the reader a break and removed some of the words and therefore made the structure more solid. But still nice to read it ;0)

    I especially liked

    extracting the purpose from a random thought
    forcing itself into a dream.

    And

    but a bitter world prohibits subjection to conflict, so,
    enticed by my pain, and foregoing chance
    I shall directly take what's to be mine...

    did you take it ?

    Keep writing ;0)

    KNS
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by KNS | [ Reply to This ]
      Tony,
    You are still an amazing writer...
    I really like this piece...it's as though we are just sitting with you and you are talking about taking what is yours.
    Remember when you said that you would like to make a difference, directly or indirectly, by your words...well, let me tell you that you have. Everything that you writes touches my heart and I know that I am not the only one.
    I am sorry if I scared you off or something...please stop by my poetry..or something...
    Dre
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]


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