Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: how parallels belong togetherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 112
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1536
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 744



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotshow parallels belong togetherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    we walk the same;
    her strides confidently match
    mine.

    she dances like
    the Basketflower's retreat at dusk, like
    turn down service at Shutters on the Beach,
    one layer of inhibitions
    pulled back
    at a time;

    the rhythm eludes me.

    i run breathless, stopping
    my heart a little and
    daring my lungs to burst in protest, like
    the way a lizard sprints, run like
    seagulls soar,
    relying on what they fly into to keep them aloft ...
    alive;

    the rush evades her.

    we move, propel
    towards our bliss in ways
    we don't understand. but

    we walk the same




    Submitted on 2005-07-31 21:03:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is lovely and very well-written. The similies you used are original, and I always appreciate that. I love:

    she dances like
    the Basketflower's retreat at dusk, like
    turn down service at Shutters on the Beach,
    one layer of inhibitions
    pulled back
    at a time;

    There are a couple of runts of nits I'll mention though.

    we move, propel
    towards our bliss in ways
    we don't understand. but

    I don't think you need to say "move." This made me think of bar magnets being attracted to each other. (The title helped with that image). I also think you could eliminate "our." I also think it might be cool to suggest that some unseen force is pulling you together.

    Very nicely done,
    Amy



    | Posted on 2007-12-03 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      Half the comments I give never end up being constructive criticism or anything completely related to it. And in this case it's beause there is nothing I can find to be constructive about. It stands complete as is.

    I know there is excellent, excellent imagery in here. But I love the rhythm of this even more. It adds to everything, like you have to pause, and explain, and pause, and explain because you just need to keep going on about her and you.

    "relying on what they fly into to keep them aloft ..."
    That line just made me think. I mean, what exactly is that? Rely on wind? On God? But then seagull's believe in God? Or something like God? And Faith. Maybe that. I'm going to stop now or else I'll just keep up the incoherent rambling.
    | Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting write
    To me you were refering to the traits a lot of people share
    This was very origanel
    I liked this one
    Take Care
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-16 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      we walk the same.....

    you know if I wasn't involved with someone who is in everyway my complete oposite - age, language, culture, religion... you name this poem might not have struck me so. but I am, and it did.

    because we do... we walk the same....

    "we move, propel
    towards our bliss in ways
    we don't understand. but

    we walk the same"

    ah, you sum it up so well....

    thank you....
    | Posted on 2005-11-11 00:00:00 | by glasshill | [ Reply to This ]
      we move, propel
    towards our bliss in ways
    we don't understand.


    And... I don't think you have to.

    There will always be that distance between two people... and that could either be a nerve-less patch of flesh or a wall. That is the beauty of being human.

    Now... this is like one of those moments where you come face-to-face with someone who is completely different from you (ala prince-ss and pauper) but still there is that irrational attraction that never fails to intrude in one's domesticated (or otherwise) life.

    Funny... I liked it even before I started rationalizing it.
    | Posted on 2005-11-04 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I can tell I'm going to like your poetry, I think in general you have a great way with words and I don't know if that's naturally you or if you are always on the stage but either way, I'd like to find out and enjoy the way you put things out there.

    we walk the same;
    her strides confidently match
    mine.

    Nice start it reminds me of new love or the excitement of a small child going to some event where their excitement shines in their eyes and they can hardly get there quickly enough or restrain themselves from running

    she dances like
    the Basketflower's retreat at dusk, like
    turn down service at Shutters on the Beach,
    one layer of inhibitions
    pulled back
    at a time;

    I get the general theme here but would have liked something I was familiar with so that I could have enjoyed the imagery/associations better....that's not to say that you should change it...but that I would like to experience those things which is a good feeling to result from your writing. I loved the associations between the hotel turn down service and the shedding of inhibitions...it's truly wonderful to have that affect on someone and see it in them...and all the while those same layers are revealed in yourself, even if you're not aware of it.

    the rhythm eludes me.

    This is great...she's things you will never be, things you understand and probably many things you don't understand but when it's all combined it's too glorious to quantify. I loved the associations between

    i run breathless, stopping
    my heart a little and
    daring my lungs to burst in protest, like
    the way a lizard sprints, run like
    seagulls soar,
    relying on what they fly into to keep them aloft ...
    alive;

    Some great phrasing and a nice place to anchor the poem in. I felt your line breaks were a little odd but I don't pretend to understand the finer technicalities of freeverse. I read the words...

    the rush evades her.

    this is great too....I loved the symmetry of these 2 offshoots and they work perfectly when launched the bases of thought, emotion and imagery you laid down.

    we move, propel
    towards our bliss in ways
    we don't understand. but

    we walk the same

    Elegantly summed up and tied together with the repeat of the opening line.

    Loved it....thanks for the read DB

    | Posted on 2005-10-31 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this too Grace,-you touch a nerve or two here and I feel that "aha"- like I feel exacly what was meant because even though your precise original descriptions are not how I may have described those feelings, they certainly convey the sweetness and fulfillment of love. I loved the title, and how you followed through with that theme. When i read this-I just re-live the joy and mystery of walking (physically and figuratively) beside a soulmate.

    I also liked the unpretentious format, but above all I was mesmerized by the exquisite and evocative descriptions-very original and compelling.
    Another Fave-do I have them ALL yet?

    Sally
    | Posted on 2005-10-30 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      "run like seagulls soar"

    That is so beautiful. In fact this is all beautiful and very well written.

    Very e
    cummings, m'dear. I love it.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2005-10-01 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah yeah yeah, just like everyone else this piece was frickin sweet. I completely enjoyed it. The structure, staggered like it was, reminded me a lot of how i like to paint the pictures of my poems (for the most part anyways) a neatly organized chaos-completely mimicking life. Your poem achieved the attention a real poem deserves, the time spent reading, and rereading as others have noted to get it just right (for me anyways) Some of things unsettling to me was your choice to use capatilization, but i kinda like the mystery too. this was by far the most well developed thought in the piece:

    the way a lizard sprints, run like
    seagulls soar,
    relying on what they fly into to keep them aloft ...
    alive

    really well done, please check out some of my stuff if you get the chance, i'd really like to know what someone my age with somewhat similar styles would think of my work,
    hope to hear from you
    key wester, matt
    | Posted on 2005-09-22 00:00:00 | by Key Wester | [ Reply to This ]
      This was lovely. Very...uplifting (if you'll pardon the overuse of an inspirational word). I thought your all lowercase style worked well in keeping the tone subtle and simplified. The overall message of universality was a welcome one in the world of poetry where most people only comment on differences. Overall a very well-written, evocative piece.

    drowning_queen

    (oh, I forgot to mention how much I love the title... very original.)
    | Posted on 2005-07-31 00:00:00 | by drowning_queen | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem deserves to be savored, read more than once, and deliberated over. But if you think about it too much, you begin to lose sight of the whole picture. I also enjoyed the repitition of the phrase "we walk the same", just lingers in my mind even after reading it. The whole thing is very well written (as always) and the dancing image was a powerful one, good work.
    | Posted on 2005-08-17 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this, it's sweet.

    Spelling: I think it's 'lizard'.

    Other stuff: the 4th stanza (I run breathless…) is good, but a little confusing when you jump from the lungs bursting to the lizard running to the seagull soaring. I love the images but they don't join together fluidly; they're a little abrupt.

    'in ways / we don't understand about the other' - reads clumsily. How about just 'in ways / we don't understand'?

    Hmm that's about it. It strikes me that you could end it more shortly, just as 'but / we walk the same.' But it also works well as it is.

    Hehehe. Love Butch's thoughtful comment. I think you did well with this, the mixture of fascination/near-mystification and the emotional connection with the girl. You evoked that really brilliantly, and the excitement of love, in a genuine and non-sentimental way.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    68789

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    i've missed written by mysalvation
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Love written by saartha
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    The World written by jjd
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    prison written by ShyOne
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry