Description: have you ever left someone and been so jealous yet you felt sorry for the next girl in line wanna scream nooo look whta hes done to me . thats the where this came from and it touches on drugs a bit too often they come along with the end of a realtionship whats interseting about this peice is that i never have been there well not with the dope anyway so hope you like we shall see
My sweet penetration .
Metal horse and liquid rider.
As my head rolls back my mind rolls forward.
And thoughts of you become clearer.
Who will hold your keys?
Will she survive the journey into your imagination.
Your mind will always make me tremble.
We had it once .
The common exhilaration of two warped minds.
I hope she reads this
There’s a dedication between the lines.
A simple warning to the timid from the blind.
I loved it.First it is an interesting idea, to write poem which is a warning. The poem itself is beautiful. "Will she survive the journey into your imagination.", interesting question, good way to describe the essence of many relationships (or at least their beginnings). "Your mind will always make me tremble." this line is simple beautiful. And my favorite "The common exhilaration of two warped minds.", such an expressive description. This line makes your poem although written as a warning a beautiful love poem at the same time.
wow...when I read your description, my first thought was "Oh no, another broken hearted poem about some guy" but WOW was I wrong. This was amazing in its flowing simplicity. If everything else you have written is this good, well I expect to see you in print soon. This just utterly blew my mind. I have nothing but praise for you. My favorite lines were
Metal horse and liquid rider. As my head rolls back my mind rolls forward.
excellent. I look forward to reading more of your works. Magnificent job, keep writing!
Honestly, I dont really understand this poem...even having read your description, which was not so clear either... Maybe if you just say what you mean instead of trying to let the reader figure it out the poem would be better. There's nothing wrong with making the reader think a little bit, but give us some help from time to time during the poem.
I liked the last line - very powerful. This must have been a doosy of a relationship and it's not odd that you would be jealous but want to warn her at the same time ~ some relationships in their dysfunction do that! Love,Peace,Joy! tif ; )