Chasing Me by Fearless

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Submission Name: Chasing Me dots

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Author:	Fearless
ASL Info:	16fPhillippines
Elite Ratio:	6.48 - 85/63/19
Words:	129

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	346
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	846

Description:
This poem was inspired by the movies "Chasing Liberty," and "Runaway Bride."
edited by suven7. ok basically it's about a girl who keeps running, 'til the day she couldn't anymore. Enjoy!!

Chasing Me dots

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Waiting for the clouds to go by
Wishing rain and your steps would follow
Then you’ll be chasing me
Behind the trees, through the seas…
Catch the wind and sail swiftly

We splash one another
Then we’ll wade further…
And you’ll be chasing me
On the beach, ever out of reach
Row to the shore and there meet me

Following footprints on the sand
Waves lapping them away
Still I’ll be chasing you
Behind heavy falls, through thick walls
Uncover your path and trail for me

Sitting beside a forgotten fire
Ashes circling our distant embrace
Soon I’ll be chasing you
Inside the cave, where I saw your grave…
Hold your step for I won’t be long

Submitted on 2005-08-01 19:03:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Chasing me, cashing you... well, the thoughts are circling and there was neither twist nor thrill. I must admit I was not totally moved by the story. Yeah, it’s a classic story –Runaway Bride. But the ending line was good, though and rhyming fits well. Keep on writing. Cheers!
| Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by eminvisible | [ Reply to This ]
  I'll tell you right now I tend to mess up a poem's message a lot.. weird imagination or I just look too deep into the message.

Well the way I saw it, was that the person was of course chasing someone (( Duh )). But as he/she continued to chase them they found out about their love's grave. And this poem ends the person is telling them to either wait for them in the undead "place" (sorry not religious) or the fact saying it in a Romeo Juliet type of way??? But basically says the runner's running will be over soon..

-Eric "ACommonCold" Chang
| Posted on 2005-08-01 00:00:00 | by acommoncold | [ Reply to This ]
  the last stanza was really good. this piece shows that you put work into it, as every thing fits just right. the found your grave line was shocking, as i didnt know that it was that particular thing you were chasing, i just thought it was two lovers chasing each other during beautiful sunsets and things of that nature. but the ending sure made it worthwhile. thanks for the good write
| Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by solemnpen | [ Reply to This ]
  The allusion to the cave is interesting here and seems to give depth to the piece We could either believe you are talking about the resurrection or an ancient tomb. In either case, it makes me wonder and the element of which, just makes good poetry.

Nice job on sound too, you really listened to this as you wrote and crafted very well. thanks for sharing,
peace and love,
Nan
| Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Are you looking to make your way into the waves and never return yourself? This was pretty good, I'm just a tad lost I guess...not sure if this is a lost love or best friend or if I'm completely lost. Which wouldn't be the first time. Either way it was nice.
Candi
| Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  the rhyme scheme, was unorthodox... dont see many pieces with a 3rd line same rhyme... but it did work... as far as descriptions there were plenty.. a nice vivid description... emotion was lacking but those movies also liked them also, they were to focused on being witty, than describing someone who keeps running... but she runs until she finds a grave... in a cave, doesnt make much sense especially when described to the movies, and the beginning of the poem... try to keep topic throughout piece, or slowly twist the ending instead of doing so... abrupt...
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by daniel05 | [ Reply to This ]
  In the beginning you were being chased then in the end you were the one chasing, and he is now waiting. you did have some good, vivid discriptions of the beach and the way the waves overlap the footprints on the beach. I'm kinda getting the feeling that the person you speak of in this write was deceased from the beginning and you were just speaking to him, that is why you ended up in the cave standing over his grave. well written.

..>>>>>brax
| Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by Brack-Attax | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey Fearless,
first of all, I have to admit that I have not seen either films (oops!). So, the comments I make on Chasing Me are qualified by that admission (ie I may not get specific film references/links).

Overall, this piece had a very romantic feel to it and almost of longing. I liked the way you changed the "you'll be chasing me" to "I'll be chasing you" mid way through. It also had a nice rhythm that kind of gave the effect of rhyme (I don't know how else to explain that) :)

Now, this is purely a personal preference (so ignore it if you want), but I thought some more punctuation might improve this poem. For example (and I'll just pick the first stanza):
"Waiting for the clouds to go by,
Wishing rain and your steps would follow;
Then you’ll be chasing me
Behind the trees, through the seas…
Catch the wind and sail swiftly."

Specific comments:

S1: "Wishing rain and your steps would follow" - this was such a nicely linked line. It really framed the rest of the poem for me. Nice write. :)

S2: "Row to the shore and there meet me" - this read a little awkwardly for me. Instead perhaps "Row to the shore and meet me there". But of course, that might muck up your rhyme. Also, some commas, semi-colons or something might help to break up this stanza for a more natural read.

S3: A break after the second line might give the reader a pause (as that is what I wanted to read into it), but ignore this comment if you didn't intend for a pause. Otherwise, I liked the idea behind this stanza.

S4: This was my fav stanza!
"Ashes circling our distant embrace" - so beautiful. And then later, "Inside the cave, where I saw your grave…" - wow, this took the poem to a whole new place for me - I wasn't expecting it (and I think that maybe you could have taken us there a bit earlier or perhaps alluded to it). And then in your last line, it was as though she/he was reaching beyond, or a promise of her/his coming. A very nice ending. :)

Thanks for the read.
~TD
| Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by TD | [ Reply to This ]

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