Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Half Emptydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    34/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 246
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 901
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1587



    Description:
       I've been away too long, and now it seems a crime to finally post something as depressing as this. But it is just a mood - one that I went with.
    Let me know if it makes some sense. Feedback heartily welcome :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHalf Emptydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Oh, how I ache,
    Bone healthy but sore;
    And weary stabs the dullness I drink,
    As though the night empties into me,
    Or discards her blanket over my head,
    Or plays merry trickster with daylight sense.
    Pin pricks jab and stars dazzle closed eyes–
    It's something special indeed to see.
    Hands heavy and sagging,
    Reach for another dream; but–
    False.
    How can such a soft word
    Be so hard to hear?

    Oh, mix another long stem of forgetfulness
    Cooled by sapphire gems
    As they seem to me and my demons,
    Who cannot see past our lips.
    Dissolve and fade foul oasis!
    Let the leaves brown and rivers bog,
    That I might go on in peace
    And forget the velvet canopy and
    Cross-stitching in my face.

    Pass me a coat to ward away the heavenly breeze.
    Away! For I am tired of the mocking scent of dew,
    And the dizzying heights of wise men,
    Who remind me of lessons overdue.
    Give me what is real to me,
    And touch,
    Here, where grumbles and moans offer a crutch.
    Shield me from the good for nothing truth–
    The withered bloom of youth;
    Or someone's strained voice–
    I now forget who.

    Spill, spill, like seeds on concrete;
    Knuckles bruised.
    Quickly now, before another sees
    The pieces of those broken dreams.
    In my stale bed I awake in fright
    To misery and an empty glass,
    And there, I long lament the night.




    Submitted on 2005-08-02 07:48:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      TD,

    I really liked this one, though it's not quite your best, especially after subsequent readings.
    Each time I read it it got funnier and funnier, in fact i got a real gut laugh going! Couldn't help but imagine Homer Simpson reading out some of the lines, "Dissolve and fade foul oasis," and "Away! for I am tired of the mocking scent of dew." Maybe that's just the sign of a sick sense of humour, but these are the kind of theatrics I myself indulge in to escape the "good for nothing truth". (Both talking aloud like homer and ranting at the night - sometimes both at the same time). But that really captures it for me, the subtle line between an acute awareness of the absurd and the maniacal cackle of the desperately insane - if that's what you intended :-)

    Particualrly liked your opener, "Oh, how I ache, Bone healthy but sore;" I got that broken throb beating from the inside out. Really dug your repeated reference to that wistful squinted stare into light we all do (especially when drunk), at first entrancing "something special to see" and then haunting the peace of mind "cross-stitching in my face" - great duality.

    I agree with charmedidentity on replacing false or maybe instead you might consider re-ordering the line before. The pause on both sides of 'but' destroys the rhythm for me, it would linger longer if it paused once, as you rise to reach the dream before it is snatched away, or vanishes - which is why it's so hard to hear - right?

    "Spill, spill, like seeds on concrete" another cracker. Don't we all make fools of ourselves, expose our secrets and feel ashamed of who we are, and aren't we really fools for trying to hide that "Quickly now, before another sees". That's really what your poem says to me: rejoice in your foolish behaviour, self mocking is healthy - and humourous. If only we learn to laugh at ourselves, life is always funnier then, and the glass mostly full.

    Abzy
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really heavy stuff, TD! I don’t know where to begin!

    What do the Japanese call depression.. isn’t like when your soul catches a cold????...

    Oh, how I ache,
    Bone healthy but sore; (this clarifies the mental , not physical anguish you are experiencing)
    And weary stabs the dullness I drink, (If apathy is a liquid, I think I’ve had my fill)
    As though the night empties into me,
    Or discards her blanket over my head,
    Or plays merry trickster with daylight sense.
    Pin pricks jab and stars dazzle closed eyes–
    It's something special indeed to see.
    Hands heavy and sagging,
    Reach for another dream; but–
    False.
    How can such a soft word
    Be so hard to hear?

    (wow, TD this first stanza is incredible: you are describing that god awful emptiness (which is so difficult to explain) through some heavy imagery! Very intense!). This emotion your feeling is becoming so thick I can freakin chew on it!

    Okay , I interpreted this next stanza several ways:

    Forgive me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that the “killer” is also your ailment (alkeeehol):

    Oh, mix another long stem of forgetfulness
    Cooled by sapphire gems
    As they seem to me and my demons,
    Who cannot see past our lips.
    Dissolve and fade foul oasis!- yes, this oasis lies in brown bottles!)
    Let the leaves brown and rivers bog,
    That I might go on in peace
    And forget the velvet canopy and
    Cross-stitching in my face.

    - as I sip this glass of cheep red wine, I am thinking of the most easy way to forget!


    Spill, spill, like seeds on concrete;
    Knuckles bruised. (drink to keep form falling apart, only to drink to fall apart)
    Quickly now, before another sees
    The pieces of those broken dreams.
    In my stale bed I awake in fright
    To misery and an empty glass, (it didn’t help!)
    And there, I long lament the night.

    - damn! I know that I should make suggestions for improvement but I feel that I am not skilled enough a writer to do this.
    - This poem is incredibility deep, with addiction at the bottom and depression on the surface… perhaps it could be a bit more concise … chopping a bit of the lines .. let me see …nope. Never mind.. every word here is needed! A fav!

    p.s: I have just read ABZY's comment... and s/he is thinkin booze to. but I dont understand why it's funny... I think it's more sad than anything.

    -screams

    oh yeah, one more thing: the tile is genius and wrapps up the poem beautifully... soul empty, glass full...

    soul empty... glass half full!

    soul empty... glass
    broken
    (from stumbing into the night stand!)
    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by screams | [ Reply to This ]
      This is pretty sad. Reminds me of a poem i wrote "Darker shade of Black" It wasn't really a dark poem but more like a drepressed one. Yours fit more in the depressed category.

    Don't worry, all of us have this state of mood. If i can have it so can you (it's not contagious...lol)

    I like how you expressed your thoughts. There were clear and you have kept your emotions coming. That's really good cause there are some people who talk about one thing then kinda like go offtrack and there goes the entire thing that they worked so hard on (or not)

    There are a few words that i didn't think fitted in your piece and i'm gonna tell you which ones:
    "Bones", "False",
    Be so hard to hear?( what word was that? I didn't get that part)
    As they seem to me and my demons ( I didn't really like this piece. Although you were talking about the night, i don't think demons fit in this piece)
    Quite(omit it, it doesn't fit in the piece either)
    Or someone's strained voice–
    I now forget who.( i don't really get this part either)

    I didn't really like how your stanzas were organized. It seemed like you were more interested in the mood than the way it would of came out. If you look at it, the beginning says so much and as you keep reading the amount of space becomes smaller and smaller and smaller and the outcome was that you didn't hit me with your mood as much as you hit me at the beginning.

    Overall, i think you wrote a piece that expressed your thoughts as well as emotions and that you were able for other people to read it with enjoyment and understand what you were talking about.

    Hope you found my comment useful and do keep writing. Peace.
    Irina
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    68992

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry