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    dots Submission Name: Fathom it yourself....dots

    Author: Rue
    ASL Info:    16/F/the dark side
    Elite Ratio:    4.54 - 244/182/44
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 610
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 722

       I was stoned off my ass, and didn't even remember writing this until I found it saved under dfgdffd in my documents folder a week later. I like it. Flows.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFathom it yourself....dots

    "May the may bells be merry
    May the clockwork be still
    May the taste of blood on my lips
    Bring your lips to chill
    Touch me coldly touch me ice,
    Decomposing fingers stretch crack
    And roll the life of dice.

    And we all know the truth
    And when there was no one left to tell
    And we all know the bitterness
    When knowing fades and becomes hell.

    Seething maps of winter is her skin
    And when she comes oh she comes
    At night, when the spotlight grow dim
    And not twenty seven blackbirds
    Only five to count on these walls
    And all to you here is how to lure
    The rabbit in the rabbit calls."

    Submitted on 2005-08-02 16:17:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Great! I believe this is your best write! Great word games like 'may the may bells...' and 'rabbit in rabbit calls'. I didn't notice the bad timing that was mentioned in the past comments, at least not so bad to throw me off and distract me. Only, maybe, the 6th line in the first stanza - if you just erased the word 'crack' or 'stretch' it'd be much better. But you don't have to. It's your poem and if you feel that this way it expresses your feelings better, than leave it. All the other lines that are just a bit off rhythm, are of great quality and sound too good to make me worry about the timing. The poem isn't chilling just by itself, but the quality of the poem is more than chilling! Really great write! You should get stoned more often :)
    Be well.
    | Posted on 2005-09-04 00:00:00 | by shoggoth | [ Reply to This ]
      This very deep and dark. A very chilling poem. And sometimes confusing. I could not follow what it meaning was. I liked the flow, but the poem itself, I could not relate to. Maybe it's just me. But you did use good imagery. Nice job.
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't think this is chilling myself, it's very original, just try to always do something different every once in a while and never become predictable.
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by Martin S. Allen | [ Reply to This ]
      ummm...this one had good rhyming but bad timing. the count of syllables was way off on some lines which kind of took away form the poem and distracted me alittle bit. i like the line "may the clock work be still." I agree and i dont find this poem chilling at all, just strange.
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by bestdeceptions | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm... I'm not sure how I feel about this poem... I do agree with bestdeceptions, the syllables were off quite a bit, but I don't really have much room to talk because I run into the same problem in a lot of my work.
    My advice to you is to browse the site, read lots of poems by lots of different people... remember the styles you like and the ones you don't, try some different things. Don't be afraid to explore new options.
    | Posted on 2005-08-02 00:00:00 | by black_beauty18 | [ Reply to This ]

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