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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tomorrowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: inkonspikuous
    ASL Info:    21/f/va
    Elite Ratio:    5.94 - 76/74/26
    Words: 150
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 223
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1111



    Description:
       Feedback? Be Honest. Background? Its pretty obvious what its about..details?..if you really need more send me a message. Thanks for reading.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTomorrowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember iron starched sheets,
    sheets that must have smelled sweet
    before being smothered
    with the stain of morning breath.
    Sheets filled with meaningless secrets
    that we washed away dailty
    because of the promise of tomorrow
    and its own meaninglessness.

    And then, I remember waiting
    sitting on a velvet couch of denial
    until suddenly everything in my life had meaning.
    The breakfast bowl of kool-aid and cheerios
    representing how event the different things
    in life could indeed be sweet.
    The stained wrinkled sheets
    representing the past,
    and each knife, the guilt of death.

    And even though every ambulance siren
    that broadcasts your surrender
    fortells the end of meaninglessness,
    I am still sitting on that couch
    with a bowl of soggy cheerios,
    and freshly pressed sheets
    soon to be wrinkled from the complexity of time,
    and stained from the tears of meaningful despair,
    waiting for yesterday's tomorrow.




    Submitted on 2005-08-02 20:51:47     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I love every word of this, I love the passing of time and the reality being shown as complications and memories.

    Your subtelty brought home the feeling of loss and confusion that could never have been drawn out by a straight explanation.
    This is how a poem and imagery should be written. 5 Stars.

    You might want to watch the "T" on your keyboard btw, it seems to have crept into a couple of words it shouldn't have.
    | Posted on 2006-12-31 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      I stopped by because I've just written one with the same title. Maybe it's the mood but I see a similarity in our themes. In your's you have lost someone, a lover (i "the sheets"). You miss the "tomorrow" you had hoped for. I love your symbols, the "sheets", "cheerios", and a "couch". The sadness of loss, weaves itself through this entire piece, as you sit on that "couch" and contemplate, the past and the future.

    Favorite bits:
    "couch of denial", "guilt of death"

    S2 -L5
    "representing how even(t) the different things"

    Needs a better word than "different". What things? Be more specific.

    S1 - L6 Dail(t)y

    A sad piece, mourning the loss of someone close. You have conveyed the feelings accurately, without being overpowering. There is a fine and delicate touch to this, that speaks of tradgedy without being too sentimental, This is difficult to do. You have succeeeded. Your use of symbols is unique, original. In this your creativity shows.
    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, but felt sad for you, which is to say your meaning came through to me.

    May all your "Tomorrows" be happy ones.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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