Description: Umm...yeah....basically I wrote this (it took ages too, like a couple of months coz I kept changing it) and I'm still not sure about it, the punctuation is atrocious (sp?) I woke up one morning with an urge to write something and this was the result. Advice? Ideas? Knit-pickers...don't be too mean *begs*
Fragile trust, a broken web
shattered truths and darkest lies
Faith in things unknown forgotten
The reality I know and hate
but from which I'll not escape.
Twist the knife that no one threw
in the shadows of which I walk.
And though they see and hear
they do not know or care
Ignorant faith in what's not there.
Just another empty shell
like so many others
walk the shores of shadows
where the sun just canot reach
and from which I'll not escape.
Well done, I can tell you spent a lot of time choosing words because it flows nicely. The only suggestion I have is getting rid of "like so many others" all together. It hints at cliché', not completely, but "Just another empty shell/walk the shores of shadows" sounds really nice. A nice piece and well worth the effort you put in.
"walk the shores of shadows where the sun just canot reach and from which I'll not escape" this is the part the stands out more to me. I do like this poem and i can see the effort that you have put iinto it. It does remind me of me and some of my writes. It has its on gloomy cloud that comes with this poem and the words are very effective. Good write. I'll be back to read more. Bailey
I think the first stanza is slightly unnecessary, maybe to have one "Shining hope, Abounding Grace" at the beginning and one at the completion of the poem. That's just my idea. I like the other three stanza's though. Your choice of wording and the way you've set it out show the thought that went into it. It is a good poem though I feel (maybe because of so much work being put into it) it doesn't have a strong soul... Laura-Grace
Submission Name: Shining Hope, Abounding Grace
