Description: This is another movie-inspired poem, Peter Pan!
Last night I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of Jeremy Sumpter, who played the role of Peter Pan. This was a challenge for me because I decided to write in his point of view; A boy's point of view.
Keep reading!
Seeking a Wendy in my heart
A Wendy who loves fairies
And who delights in telling stories
A Wendy who will never miss
The true meaning of a hidden kiss
It’s not loneliness that I feel
It’s not jewels that I seek to steal
This is the journey I must start!
Out on a winter’s night
There she was
…A Wendy
Caught my sight!
Throughout my veins a spark was felt
Up and everywhere
Till the snow on my wings started to melt
[My Wendy walked away]
Leaving me in the icy air
Alas! Neverland
Where pirates can not stand
The sweet smell of a new born fish
That will soon become our steamy dish
Fairies singing inside oak trees so tall
Giving wishes only to kids so small
I live in a land with a fighting sword
A land no one can describe in a word
When dusk settles in the sky
And the moon starts to climb up high
There I saw my Wendy
Taking a nonchalant walk
Her lips so red like a cherry
Her smile is without a worry
Her eyes is the bottom of the ocean
With hair that moves through it’s motion…
“Peter, what do you feel?”
There, a moment that made me unsure
Why does she ask, what is it for?
Why did such question hit me so hard?
And caught me entirely off guard…
It’s not jealousy
It’s not anger
It’s not a feeling I’ve felt before
The rest of the night
I couldn’t decide
A word so strong
Where do I belong?
The next morning
My Wendy decided to leave
Planting her last first kiss
That I’ll forever miss
If it’s not regret that can be cured
Is there a word
That I’ve never heard?
Now my Wendy is gone
Where do I begin?
Should I count on her return tomorrow?
-But what if tomorrow never comes…
This was a very up-paced piece of work. I flew through it reading it. All I can suggest is some punctuation. It would give it a more cleaner appearance and let the reader know the specific way it is to be read. other then that...this was an exellent write. I like the way it ended with a cliffhanger.
Well done! I love this...I'm going to favorite it! Pete Pan has always been a favorite of mine, and this is just brilliant. I can't find anything to critique at all, except that maybe the rhyming was a little off...you may have a different accent when you speak though, so it could depend on just how we pronounce things...you're not english, are you?...AH! you live in the Phillippines! That would be it...I'm moving there after I graduate! Maybe I can run you over with my bike sometime. Hope to see you! ~Sicobe R. Crow
Dude...amazing. I, for one, am not easily inspired by the movies I see. I did enjoy the last Peter Pan (even though Wendy could've been prettier). I still find your capacity to create deeper feelings out of viewed medias admirable. Anyway, for the actual critique: Some of the lines held pairs of stumbling rhymes. For instance: "The sweet smell of a new born fish That will soon become our steamy dish" and "Fairies singing inside oak trees so tall Giving wishes only to kids so small" However, there were also whole stanzas that were as equally cherishable: "Out on a winter’s night There she was …A Wendy Caught my sight! Throughout my veins a spark was felt Up and everywhere Till the snow on my wings started to melt [My Wendy walked away] Leaving me in the icy air" I also found the last line to be fully intriguing: "Should I count on her return tomorrow? -But what if tomorrow never comes…" For reparations, I think you should add the word "my" in this verse: "And caught me entirely off guard…" So it reads: "...entirely off MY guard." I think the rhythm will be fully pegged then. What made this write take off was that you captured the whole magic stuff which evolves around winter nights, moon, flights, midnight stories, hidden kisses...
If you impress me enough with your next poem, I might just help you edit it again. Hahaha. M!
WOW! This is great! You did your own story of Peter Pan and Wendy. Your third and fourth stanzas were fantastic in detail. If you did this from watching Peter Pan, imagine what you can do creating your own characters and story. Go on and write some children stories. This proves you got the right stuff to do it. Your imagination is flowing! Great write...take care, wanda
Hey Fearless, Wendy Tomorrow was really good. It was such a different take on Peter Pan, and one which, in my view, worked very well. It added depth to the original story, almost as though it was a new story (has someone already said that to you? :) well, it's true!).
Okay, specific comments: S1: This was a smooth start - kind of like an opening or link to the story. Then, "This is the journey I must start!" - this line spoke to me of a different take or perspective. I really liked it and I think the exclamation mark was perfectly placed. It just goes to demonstrate how effective punctuation can be in poetry :)
S2: This stanza was really where it all started happening (ie Peter's perspective). "There she was …A Wendy" - I have got to say that I loved how you referred to her as 'A Wendy' - like he was waiting for that special someone, anyone, who was 'Wendy' to him. "Throughout my veins a spark was felt Up and everywhere" - the second line here was a great use of wording, it really captured how totally enraptured Peter felt.
S3: This whole stanza was effective in creating a link between Peter and his world. My favs lines here are: "Where pirates can not stand The sweet smell of a new born fish That will soon become our steamy dish Fairies singing inside oak trees so tall" Wow, "the sweet smell of a new born fish" - this was so unique!
S4: Again, you continued the imagery in this stanza. The only thing I thought that might help was perhaps another description for her lips instead of "cherry"? Also, just a typo, "Her eyes is the bottom of the ocean" should perhaps be "Her eyes are the bottom of the ocean". My fav line in this stanza was "With hair that moves through it’s motion…" - very cool way to put it :)
S5: The question was an effective break in the flow without detracting from it. But see my comments re S8 below.
S8: "A word so strong Where do I belong?" I was not sure here whether the "word" was about how Peter felt (ie referring back to the question). If so, then is there a way to make it a bit clearer? If not, then sorry :) "Planting her last first kiss" - so beautiful ...
S9: I really, really liked this stanza! Although, I must admit that I wasn't 100% on whether it was a separate idea or whether it referred back to Wendy's questioning. In any event, it left me sharing Peter's longing.
Great poem! I admire the way you can take films and stories and make something special and personal out of them. (I wish I could do it) Cheers, ~TD
I Love Peter Pan! A good reason why enjoyed this poem, but also it seemed to flow and fit Peter Pan. Your descript of Wendy was very nicely done and the last first kiss, nice line. Anywho, I shall be putting this with my favs. Good job!
hm, long poem. But it held my interest, though I'm not sure what to really say with this poem. I did enjoy your description and what nots, and I liked the ending with the whole "What if tomorrow never comes". Was that something of a regret that Peter didn't reply to what he felt towards wendy? Or that she'd grow up and it would be to late??
I dun know >.> I liked this poem and the fact (( like before like a repeating record )) held my interest very much so. I couldn't do that >.>
Congrats good write liked it.
-Eric "ACommonCold" Chang Reality is when stop believing in something and its still there.
The creation of a scene that ould have gone well in the story itself. Well done girl. I would rather say that the comments in which were born before mine are absolutely right. I could go through every stanza with you again but you would end up reading the same thing. I enjoyed this peice-really! So you must be a movie fanatic or just decide to write something once you find inspiration in a movie.
Hey, Fearless, Well done, well done. Seeing as I have a lot of firends, who just happen to be boys. I definately know what goes on up their, seeing as they always want advice, it is just like a girl's mind upside down. They think way too much and eventually don't even remember what they wanted to do! Well, this is as close as most girls will get to being inside a boys mind. I loved it though. Haha, I think he was really stressing over trying to see if he should go back and tell Wendy what he felt. I told you I would read some of your poems, so I am. I can't really be a good editor, that is my sisters job, she is getting an English Major. So, all in all, I liked it. Keep Writing! ~much love~ Imaginth
Submission Name: Wendy Tomorrow
Hope to see you!