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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Countingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: acommoncold
    ASL Info:    23/M/WI
    Elite Ratio:    5 - 78/87/22
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 827
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 997



    Description:
       http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a140/acommoncold/COUNTRY.jpg

    That would be the picture that goes along with this poem. The word is Country if you didn't see it, The Poet in Black is a steal from someone. -cough Johnny Cash- The Man in Black - cough-

    Oh yeah about this poem, it sucks. I am not going to say its even average. Anyone could come up with this poem. So now I have that out of the way, you don't need to say anything about it really.

    Yeah yeah no flow, no show, no go blah blah structure sucks. I suck, grammar is bad yeah yeah I've heard it many times before. You know why? Cause my poems suck!

    This poem? - shrugs - Might be fitting for me someday. Might write up a different one, because my poems are easy to come up with. Why? I thought I told you guys already. They suck, which is why it is easy for me to write these. So there you have it another shitty poem by ACommonCold.

    Enjoy. Oh yeah you can say my poems suck in your comments, just to get it out of your system.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCountingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    10: It is the number of times Ive thought of suicide
    9: The number of times I didnt try to kill myself

    Counting down
    For the first time
    And I still feel fine

    8: Times forty equals how many cuts I have
    7: Is the number of times Ive cut myself

    Still counting
    With the gun to my head
    Six more before Im dead

    6: Bullets are in this gun here
    5: Is how many shall stay

    Four more, before Im down for the count
    Yeah, arent you and I both in horror
    Only four more to go

    4: Numbers that are left
    3: People I trust

    Sorry to say
    But after this
    I wont be able to stay
    So this poem is a
    Token, of a goodbye

    Ha, I almost lost count
    So I said 8 numbers
    Before I do
    I just want to say
    I love you

    2: Hearts B r o k e n
    1: Sound




    Submitted on 2005-08-03 22:31:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      okay I guess I can let it out of my system...this poem could've of been good...the count down was an okay thing but when you stopped for inconsistent thoughts, some of them was such a drag that didn't belong with the poem...
    First let me say that the ending verses was the best part, though-so I'll give you props for that one...NOW

    "Four more, before Im down for the count
    Yeah, arent you and I both in horror
    Only four more to go"

    Get rid from "Yeah" to "GO" and change it a bit, like something that goes along with the four more...for the count...and it'll fit the poem better...The inconsistent thoughts, I must though, are perfect because I don't that when committing suicide your thoughts aren't fully focused on just killing yourself- they roam all over the place.

    "Sorry to say
    But after this
    I wont be able to stay
    So this poem is a
    Token, of a goodbye"

    This one makes the poem go down hill...maybe get rid of it or change it...don't know it doesn't just fit...
    but i do like the next part where forgetting the countdown...yeah, seems right.

    But clever and really good is the last part.
    "2: Hearts B r o k e n
    1: Sound"

    This makes the poem completely great, just change the middle part a bit and you'll have an awesome poem, in my opinion.
    two hearts broken: parents
    one sound: gunshut
    brilliant
    anyways, no hard feelings.
    -stacey-
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]
      Rewrite being worked on so hang in there and give me some more feedback or something of that soughts. THoughts would work out to, doesn't matter since this is going to be reposting soon.

    -Eric "ACommonCold" Chang
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by acommoncold | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought that this is quite unique. I liked it. The whole counting down thing, i have never read anything of the sort before. The random thoughts that you have in this, work out pretty well. there are a few things that i don't really get...how can you have like, 320 cuts, if you have only cut yourself 7 times...And who are the three people that you trust, i don't mean to be nosy or anything, but i didn't really get who you are refering to...could it be friends...and i thought maybe your parents and yourself, but if you trusted yourself, you wouldn't really commit suicide...so yea...that confused me a bit, i guess. But i really like the last Stanza, 2 and 1. Those were nice and dark...

    I must say, that you seem to be extremely to hard on your own poems. Of the few works i have read of yours, everything seems to be great and not nearly as bad as you think. i don't mean to be a counselor or anything like that, and i certainly don't intend to pushy or anything like that, but it seems to me, that you look at most everything you do as failed or not good enough. I must say, that that is far from the truth, concerning your poetry anyways. Well, like i said, i don't mean to counsel you or anything, but if you need someone or somewhere to vent anger or anything, you could always PM me...just a suggestion. Well, i hope you stop looking at your poems as being so inferior to everyone elses. You really do have talent. Keep writing, they are not that bad.
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah, your poem sucks...anyone could have thought of it. Then again anyone could have written hamlett or the inferno but anyone didnt and only you wrote this. I found it very unique and fun to read outside of a logical inconsistancy or two already mentioned. You are definitly a creative lad. This was an intense write but I liked the way the anticipation built as I want through it. You did a good job of maintianing and increasing tention. I will have to check out more of your stuff. I written a suicide poem or two. They are not my favorite of my own writes but if you want check it out. Once is called sugar pill tradgedy. It is not all that dissimilar from this. Anyways good write chap, keep it up. By the way your screen name is dope
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by leftof_red | [ Reply to This ]
      Why do we write, we write to get the stuff out in the open , to make us feel better, Dude this is a poem, you think it's bad, but its not. I've seen worse, Like someone said previously - its unique, -just one more thing - funny how we say we're fine but we're not. We are here for a reason hang in there, life is good, just keep an eye out for it. - Wierd when we seek light we find it, the same applies on the other end.Life is more than what we see ... it's not about the surface but what goes on.

    Your'e better than you think.

    Ps. Thanks for the write I enjoyed the read.

    Kind regards
    BX
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
      "You suck- I mean it - you SUCK!"

    Ok, out of my system- you really can't set me up like that! I think the concept here is wonderful. I mean, I don't really get into the cutting, angst, depression, suicide part, but the format here is really working for me- I wanted a happy ending though. (Especially after the whole I love you part... maybe '1' could be like the phone ringing...and ringing... (talk about a non-ending).

    I think with a little clarification this could be another fav for me. ( I wondered about the 8 times forty but only cut 7 times also. Maybe '8' could be 'my last dinner/supper' (like a final meal...)

    I would also drop the word 'of' in

    "So this poem is a
    Token, of a goodbye"

    so it reads:


    "So this poem is a
    Token, a goodbye"

    Other than that I'm really diggin on this piece. Ya know they say that some pretty women don't know how attractive they are? Well, you HAVE TO stop putting down your own work. I mean it. If it's bad, we'll let you know, and offer ideas for improvement. But this isn't bad- a bit rough, but not bad. And you're like 17 years old- you have time to improve- and you're better than I was at your age! ( probably not much of a compliment...)

    Anyways, I have totally rambled- bad habit of mine... Take Care, Ok?- and you better not have posted this as a real goodbye- I'll find you in hell when I end up ruling the place and then you'll have Chell to pay! (haha I made a punny!)
    I'm such a dork!
    -Chell-
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Chell | [ Reply to This ]
      I can imagine you slamming this one too buddy.

    NOW JUST COME TO NY AND LOOK AT THE GRASS AND YOULL BE HAPPY AND NONSUICIDAL. haha... Or I'll draw you some grass and email it to you? =T

    Anyway, you better not be killing yourself or hurting yourself... we still have to meet each other in college! haha... right?

    lol and to those people who think you're dead already:
    'This poem? - shrugs - Might be fitting for me someday.' SOMEDAY... not TODAY. whew.

    I agree with Chell's suggestions on some of the minor word changes and content changes.

    You're really creative ya know. And you're wrong. Not anyone could've written this. Or come up with it. I for once couldn't have. That doesn't say much... but really... you're more creative than a lot of us here.

    -stalkeree
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by babixpeaches | [ Reply to This ]
      You're pushing it man. I thought 17 was the age of non-suicidal crap. Like the safe zone or something? Personally I've never attempted suicide nor thought about killing myself in much detail. I have a somewhat draft of my will, and the warm, fuzzy assurance that I will be cremated, but that's about all as far as death goes.
    I didn't think it sucked. I thought this was marvelous! Even though the subject itself is overly-trampled now, the essence of which you wrote it with was sort of fresh.
    So there.

    M!
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm... well this was depressing u jerk. lol u shouldn't do this 2 ur self. I'm a cutter 2, but th@'s the level th@ they all warn us about the " Too Far" 1. So, now's about the time 4 a psychologist. But about ur poem. It was rlly good, I thought. Great suspense ttyl ciao
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Aprie Chick | [ Reply to This ]
      hey, i don't think this sucked at all. in fact, i think it was original. favorite line:

    "2: Hearts B r o k e n"

    i liked that a lot. but yeah man, that's not cool. i wanted to jump through the computer and shake you like "count to a hundred and maybe you'll rethink it!" i dunno, i'm a bit crazy. you really shouldn't doubt yourself though, because if you tell yourself your poems suck, and that [censored], well, you're gonna start to believe it and it's gonna reflect on your work. the power of positive thinking is real my friend... oh, by the way, sorry i didn't get back to you on the name thing. between work and trying to find a new job, i haven't really gotten around to responding to comments and stuff. well, you made it to 1 and you're still here. that's good. be well my friend. ...bb...

    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      you know i like this one a lot and it is the first of it's kind that i have ever read, i'm sure you can guess that i want to go on one of my rants and tell you how bad it would be to die, but i won't just for you!, anyway when reading this i got the feeling that this poem is what some people might really do when they are going to kill themself with a gun or knife, just to be funny no spelling errors and flow is good and it looks fine, i really do like how in the start of the poem you had a two count and the just a stanza and then another two count, alothough you didn't do it in the end the poem is still the same, now in the end of the poem you say two broken hearts, now reading this some people say that it would be your parents, but for you i'm not so sure(i wasn't trying to make you mad with that statement if it did i'm sorry) so then who would it be and if it isn't your parents with the broken hearts who then?

    I'd have to say that my favorite part of this poem is the ending, it is such a powerfull line.

    ~liz~
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Fadingperson | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought this poem was one of a kind.
    i just decided to read it because it sounded cool and 11 ppl commented on it. i love how you did the count down thing...and how the words got lower as the numbers did too.
    it actually made sense so that's another point for you!
    wow..i guess a lot of ppl really like this poem.!
    and now i'm beginning to think that all your poem is all about death except for the "birthday poem "...am i right?
    hahaha..this is totally unique...i love your uniqueness..it actually fits in..!

    -fearless
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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