This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: ellisa
Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 400 /415 /125
Words: 152
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1505
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1127


first thing i have written in a long time, i wont mope on about how dire i have become but this is an attempt at sticking a confused memory down and laying it to rest




The truth was shaded
A shadow spilt on its sides
by the happy-grey of endorphins;
They were black fingerless children
Fear gone and nothing to hold onto
But some lost innocence.
<which crumbles>
and martyrs to the stones below our feet
and backs-
they held us.
Who feels their toes?
A bone-thin grey
stretched towards me,
Rubber soles melting gently in the fire
You melted your bones.
And honesty lay on our lips all night,
<Dog> Breath carrying that scent further

Not long
A filtered consciousness gave way
And sleep-
one car-
window punctuated
<for that first time>
sick stops
a stuttered journey ‘home’
and to your bed (my sheets)
to know

the brain chemicals spread
a last look back
the truth this time

Submitted on 2005-08-04 08:08:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Your poetry touches me more the more I read, it really does. You have real talent.
You been busy recently? I haven't seen you in forever.
I get the idea that this one's going a little over my head, but I get that a lot with your poems. Usually it goes away after a dozen reads or so, so I'll come back and give this one another look when I get the chance.
I really adored the lines:
They were black fingerless children
martyrs to the stones below our feet
honesty lay on our lips all night

You have such a wonderful, fresh way of saying things, and it never fails to impress me.
Only things I can say against this is that it's in dire need of some more punctuation, and those capital letters at the start of each line that I'm always going on about.
Other than that, this is wonderful, like all your poetry.
| Posted on 2005-08-29 00:00:00 | by shatteredroses | [ Reply to This ]
  I always read you poems at least three times before I attempt to comment on them ... sometimes they are bit hard going and sometimes it is nice to uncover something ... but I must admit I found this one a bit hard going. That said I know what its like to post something after a long lapse so I will try to be as mild as possible.

There are hints of some bad romantic affair, and I guess you are not interested in giving a blow by blow description but talking about having the truth of the situation revealed before you. Endorphins and sick stops and brain chemicals seems to suggest some bad drug relationship or something.

somehow greyhound makes me think of travelling on a bus (greyhound buses) ... even though I don't see much in the poem to justify that thought ... but then I don't see much to justify it being the dog species too much either.

There are many unanswered questions ... The black fingerless children? The martyrs to the stones? "Crispie"? Maybe its possible to get away with a few things like this but one after the other seems to dislocate me.

In conclusion I don't really know if where I end is where you wanted to take me as a reader. I say this all as a matter of trying to be helpful because I know that a lot of thought goes in to your poems and that you are possessed by a desire to express it. It seems though I just can't get it.

Maybe I am just dumb :)
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by kanu | [ Reply to This ]
  I've read this a few times today, and I love the feel of it. I think maybe it's not meant to be as explainable because it is more emotive, and the feelings tell the story. This has a lot of feeling. I have ridden my share of greyhound busses in the last few years, and I took the "happy-grey" as a reference to the bus, and the excitement of the beginning journey, while the endorphins in your brain are swarming like the fingerless black children... I may be wrong, but if that is what that meant, it was perfect... swarming in your brain, unable to grip stop or hold still to anything except, as you said, that crumbling lost innocence of trust and open-heartedness. These lines were sheer brilliance:

"And honesty lay on our lips all night,
<Dog> Breath carrying that scent further..."

meaning, the journey continuing while you conversed in some sense... by phone or cell during travel?

Anyway, I don't mean to break it down, but I really do love it. It has special meaning to me, and I feel like I experienced this myself even though I didn't write it... it relates well to things that have happened before in my own life, that I find certain meanings in that might not be your meanings... but I really do appreciate the feeling it gives. You are really great, to be able to pull that out of your reader. I look forward to seeing more of your work!
| Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?