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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Down Upon Your Kneesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: frozenconscienc
    ASL Info:    17/f/md
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 91/55/13
    Words: 267
    Class/Type: Poetry/Religious
    Total Views: 1029
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1648



    Description:
       I realize this may be offensive to some people. This is my first non-rhyming poem, or, mostly. I know it needs help, so any suggestions would be appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDown Upon Your Kneesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Go ahead and pray your life away
    There's always problems you can't fix
    But that doesn't always mean
    You should get down on your knees

    Why can't you see it
    Too blinded by this faith
    I wish I could help you see
    That it doesn't really exist

    I see how it goes with you
    When things don't go as planned
    You close your eyes to the world
    And get down on your knees

    As the air of desperation
    Passes through your lips
    I can only shake my head
    I cannot bring you back

    Like them all you've been deceived
    For that I pity you
    For you have become so weak
    In believing such a lie

    I wish I was that deity
    That you so blindly trust
    I would answer every prayer
    I would set you free

    I seperated your hands
    And lifted up your head
    I made you look at me
    I said it would be alright

    That was the day you ran
    You ran away from me
    I only try to save you
    But you were too blinded to see

    As you can see nothing's changed
    Your life is still a hell
    Althought I didn't set you free
    At least I can say I tried

    You may not always like it
    Trust me this I know
    It isn't always a simple fix
    With a prayer down on your knees

    I only wished the best for you
    But you turned away from me
    For that I hope you'll forever be
    Down upon your knees.




    Submitted on 2005-08-04 09:56:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      hmm this started off great but it seemed to lose its flow eventually. i think this was a bit long too. maybe u could shorten it a bit. im not quite sure on how u could do it cuz im not good at thinking of ideas right on the spot to help people. but maybe if u sat down and looked over it and took out some parts it would be good. and i can relate to this also. sometimes i pray when i need help with something. but i cant just do it i believe u sometimes have to face things or figure things out for yourself. but anyways just fix it upa bit and it will be good.

    brenna
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I was once with a group of very religious people, who thought they controlled the world. Just because they went to church on Sunday they were better then me. And because they went to church God protected them, or something, because they didnt wear seat belts, and threw no caution to the wind. I dont go to church, but I do believe in God, so dont get me wrong, God is not some scam in my eyes, but moreso something to believe in. Everyone has to have a faith somewhere.

    Second Stanza:

    "I wish I could help you see
    [The figment of your imagination]"

    Third Stanza:

    "You close your eyes to the world
    [And turn your cross]"

    (you already said get down on your knees, so that just kinda keeps the flow a bit better and makes the reader feel like they havent expeienced a deja vu moment)

    Seventh stanza:

    "I made you look at me
    [A smile that said everything'll be alright"

    (using I too much)

    Eighth Stanza:

    First two lines= I like the repitition type thing:O)

    "I only [tried] to save you
    But you were too blinded to see"

    COMPLETE kick-arse ending. ^All that up there is just for flow and to avoid too much repitition of similar things. Its a bit terse, but I think you'll get what I mean.

    Overall, I really really liked this. I do believe in God, but I also believe in some of the things you said. Some people just need a reality check, I guess.

    Kudos!

    -Kayla
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
      But is that not the beauty in religion?
    To be able to get down on our knees in times when he test us...to be able to turn to something and ask for help?

    Sure when may not get what we want from time to time but it does make us feel better when we pray....does it not?

    I don't think that this is too bad but it reminds me of being confused as to what you want to believe in.

    ~shawn
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]


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