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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: -Torn Into Pieces-dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Podenco del infierno
    ASL Info:    19/M/Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    4.75 - 205/195/38
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1097
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 771



    Description:
       Well, i need help with a title. I have a few in mind, but they kind of suck...Yea, let me know what you think of it in general...and ideas for a title would be nice too...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots-Torn Into Pieces-dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I feel so weak.
    I want to cry.
    I scream.
    Inside me,
    I die.
    The pain in my chest.
    Choke...
    I can't breathe.
    Your face,
    Fading away into darkness.
    Your embrace,
    Disappearing.
    I can't feel you.
    There is something pulling at me...
    Drowning me in darkness.
    Now I weep,
    In a world with no light,
    Forever searching for your love,
    Your embrace.
    Where is your hand to hold me?
    And your heart to feed me?
    To keep me alive.
    You,
    My love.
    Find me.
    Make me strong again.
    Wipe away my tears.
    Hold me.
    Love me.
    Bring me back out of darkness,
    And make me whole again.




    Submitted on 2005-08-04 12:51:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a really deep love poem that you worded quite well
    I really enjoyed it
    The only thing that is confusing to me is that you wrote this write so deep it makes me wonder did she pass on

    Excellent Write
    Ron


    And I havent heard from you in a while Please keep in touch
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-11-17 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really good! I like the intensity of it and the emotional expression is real. I can relate to how you feel too as love is a powerful thing and with love comes a certain amount of need for that person. when they leave it is so hard, almost like a sort of panic that you are alone and the reality kinda smacks you in the face. There is a sense of desperation over the situation. This writing does a great job of capturing all of these things! I think you have a great title right within the words here. I would say Drowning in Darkness. Sounds good to me! I think too that this is more of a prose than a poem. Really good stuff! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      "Incomplete"-that sounds like a title...no that doesn't express the whole poem. You feel like dying because of, possibly, unrequited love. Anyways, this is good...desperation and plead for that one person to hold again...good, good, good. Its short and simple-easy to understand...good, good, good.

    later days
    tracey
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by fiery_eyes | [ Reply to This ]
      The one title that jumps out at me is "Pieces." When it comes down to it, everything that you describe is simply pieces to a bigger picture. A picutre that can be fixed if you want it to. Like the last line, "And make me whole again.", you want things to be fixed. As a side note, I learned the hard way that we have to fix things for ourselves instead of relying on others. I don't know if that means anything, but it's just something that I've learned along the way. This is an awesome write for how you described things. I loved the short lines because they really brought the feelings through them, being broken, incomplete, etc. Awesome.

    ~Jessica
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem didn't really work for me. It's morbid, depressing, therefore unattractive. The format is forgiveable, however the repeats of certain words like: darkness, me, I... really hit me hard. The opening could've been stronger too. cry, weak...man, weak words that almost made me cry to be reading them. Anyway, under a different light, I guess if your heart has just been broken or something, it is kind of ok.

    Your writing skills are sharp, but there's room for further creativity yet.
    This is just my opinion; don't take it personally. I'm all for an open-mind.

    M!
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      A suggestion for your title: Broken Chair...or...Morbid...something deep like that. I liked the dude's comment before me though of "Pieces." What do you think?

    Viva
    M!
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      well, i honestly don't like those depresing poem that talks about how they just want to die because of this girl.

    "I feel so weak.
    I want to cry.
    I scream.
    Inside me,
    I die."

    this stanza i thought it was kinda weird...shouting out the words that most people use.
    hey...they rhyme though...you know.."die" and "cry"

    besides that...i thought sometimes i feel your pain in my life.

    "Where is your hand to hold me?
    And your heart to feed me?"

    a true statement that most of us feel...especially teenagers.
    holding hands and craving for love.

    you really explained how you feel though..one by one and that's really good in a poem...
    i might read one of your poems sometime soon also...so just keep in touch.
    overall, i tought it gave a lot of meaning to a lot of ppl.
    great poem!

    -fearless
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ]


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