Description: Well, i need help with a title. I have a few in mind, but they kind of suck...Yea, let me know what you think of it in general...and ideas for a title would be nice too...
-Torn Into Pieces- -------------------------------------------
I feel so weak.
I want to cry.
The pain in my chest.
I can't breathe.
Fading away into darkness.
I can't feel you.
There is something pulling at me...
Drowning me in darkness.
Now I weep,
In a world with no light,
Forever searching for your love,
Where is your hand to hold me?
And your heart to feed me?
To keep me alive.
Make me strong again.
Wipe away my tears.
Bring me back out of darkness,
And make me whole again.
This is really good! I like the intensity of it and the emotional expression is real. I can relate to how you feel too as love is a powerful thing and with love comes a certain amount of need for that person. when they leave it is so hard, almost like a sort of panic that you are alone and the reality kinda smacks you in the face. There is a sense of desperation over the situation. This writing does a great job of capturing all of these things! I think you have a great title right within the words here. I would say Drowning in Darkness. Sounds good to me! I think too that this is more of a prose than a poem. Really good stuff! Take care!
"Incomplete"-that sounds like a title...no that doesn't express the whole poem. You feel like dying because of, possibly, unrequited love. Anyways, this is good...desperation and plead for that one person to hold again...good, good, good. Its short and simple-easy to understand...good, good, good.
The one title that jumps out at me is "Pieces." When it comes down to it, everything that you describe is simply pieces to a bigger picture. A picutre that can be fixed if you want it to. Like the last line, "And make me whole again.", you want things to be fixed. As a side note, I learned the hard way that we have to fix things for ourselves instead of relying on others. I don't know if that means anything, but it's just something that I've learned along the way. This is an awesome write for how you described things. I loved the short lines because they really brought the feelings through them, being broken, incomplete, etc. Awesome.
This poem didn't really work for me. It's morbid, depressing, therefore unattractive. The format is forgiveable, however the repeats of certain words like: darkness, me, I... really hit me hard. The opening could've been stronger too. cry, weak...man, weak words that almost made me cry to be reading them. Anyway, under a different light, I guess if your heart has just been broken or something, it is kind of ok.
Your writing skills are sharp, but there's room for further creativity yet. This is just my opinion; don't take it personally. I'm all for an open-mind.
well, i honestly don't like those depresing poem that talks about how they just want to die because of this girl.
"I feel so weak. I want to cry. I scream. Inside me, I die."
this stanza i thought it was kinda weird...shouting out the words that most people use. hey...they rhyme though...you know.."die" and "cry"
besides that...i thought sometimes i feel your pain in my life.
"Where is your hand to hold me? And your heart to feed me?"
a true statement that most of us feel...especially teenagers. holding hands and craving for love.
you really explained how you feel though..one by one and that's really good in a poem... i might read one of your poems sometime soon also...so just keep in touch. overall, i tought it gave a lot of meaning to a lot of ppl. great poem!