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    dots Submission Name: Hope......The gleam of lightdots

    Author: forestspirit
    ASL Info:    21/m/inside
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 58/45/27
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 919
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 526

       This is basically the edited version of my previous submission "Hope"........Based on certain suggestion. Thanx for the help. Let me know how this turned out. Anything would be helpful.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHope......The gleam of lightdots

    Eyes in burning motion
    From ashes a sword shall rise
    Ages lost as they were seed
    And the river once again runs dry
    Hopes taken as they were given
    Crashed down as it was let free
    Mind in a trance to wander
    Body to roam and a soul to be

    Northern star shining brightness
    All guidance deemed lost
    Thunder clapping roaring hunger
    The fell grip growing stronger
    Claws of raven wings of wrath
    Soaring the sky scouring the path

    Submitted on 2005-08-04 22:10:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I like this very much. It is short and sweet. It gets the whole dream world swirling inside of me personaly. I love the creative aspects of it, the river runs dry,it may be used a lot, but how you used it just slid in perfectly. Good job. I will post more on it later.
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Black-Wall | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey you fixed a couple things. Props to you babe. A couple lines I didn't understand like,

    "The fell grip growing stronger."

    and uhm... I'd still make changes but that's just because i'm a whore with words... so sorry. Anyways.. they're STILL only suggestions.
    Instead of,

    "Crashed down as it was let free
    Mind in a trance to wander
    Body to roam and a soul to be"

    I'd put...

    Crashed down as it was free.
    Mind entranced to wander.
    Bodies roaming , souls to be.

    Also, when you're reading it would have a better effect I think if you separated,

    "Thunder clapping roaring hunger"
    into like,

    Thinder clapping.
    Roaring thunder.

    If you don't like fragments thats fine too. Again just suggestions. Overall It was still awesome. I hope my input helped a little bit. A couple "the's" I would have taken out too but it's all up to you. It was dark and moody. Its really appealing.

    I hope I helped some.
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Twilight_Dreame | [ Reply to This ]

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