Description: This is basically the edited version of my previous submission "Hope"........Based on certain suggestion. Thanx for the help. Let me know how this turned out. Anything would be helpful.
peace,
Hope......The gleam of light -------------------------------------------
Eyes in burning motion
From ashes a sword shall rise
Ages lost as they were seed
And the river once again runs dry
Hopes taken as they were given
Crashed down as it was let free
Mind in a trance to wander
Body to roam and a soul to be
Northern star shining brightness
All guidance deemed lost
Thunder clapping roaring hunger
The fell grip growing stronger
Claws of raven wings of wrath
Soaring the sky scouring the path
I like this very much. It is short and sweet. It gets the whole dream world swirling inside of me personaly. I love the creative aspects of it, the river runs dry,it may be used a lot, but how you used it just slid in perfectly. Good job. I will post more on it later.
Hey you fixed a couple things. Props to you babe. A couple lines I didn't understand like,
"The fell grip growing stronger."
and uhm... I'd still make changes but that's just because i'm a whore with words... so sorry. Anyways.. they're STILL only suggestions. Instead of,
"Crashed down as it was let free Mind in a trance to wander Body to roam and a soul to be"
I'd put...
Crashed down as it was free. Mind entranced to wander. Bodies roaming , souls to be.
Also, when you're reading it would have a better effect I think if you separated,
"Thunder clapping roaring hunger" into like,
Thinder clapping. Roaring thunder.
If you don't like fragments thats fine too. Again just suggestions. Overall It was still awesome. I hope my input helped a little bit. A couple "the's" I would have taken out too but it's all up to you. It was dark and moody. Its really appealing.
Submission Name: Hope......The gleam of light
