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    dots Submission Name: incapacitated(revised)dots

    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 251
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 1682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1549

       I fixed annother one i was having a bad day for poetry when i was writing this i think its better now thanks for your comments.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Lights too bright, I can't see,
    Not even the hand right in front of me,
    My ears are full with stuff,
    I can't hear you huff and puff.

    I try to feel around me,
    My fingers are bruised and cut cant you see?
    I try to smell this pretty plant,
    Oh guess what? Once again I can't.

    You fucked up my life cant you see?
    There is more to me then you can see.
    I'll tell you more of what you've done,
    I'm not so sure why I'm holding this gun.

    When I eat this cherry so sweet,
    The taste is gone! Why is it me you beat?
    I feel incapacitated all over my body,
    What can I fell? Can I leave my old body?

    Nothing, you're the reason I'm almost gone,
    You're playing me like a pawn.
    Pleas clear me form all your lies,
    I can't see the truth in front of my eyes.

    I'm almost gone don't leave me to die,
    I feel like I'm flying into the sky.
    Where is it that I'll go if you leave my side?
    What was that? Was that you that cried?

    One single tear can revive me right here,
    Please cry again don't you fear.
    Here you go, don't you worry,
    You don't really need to hurry.

    One single tear rolls down your check,
    This story has finally reached it peak.
    I fell revived and ready,
    To face my life straight on nice and steady.

    Submitted on 2005-08-05 16:11:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like it.. especially

    Nothing, you're the reason I'm almost gone,
    You're playing me like a pawn.
    I'm almost gone don't leave me to die,
    I feel like I'm flying into the sky.
    I feel revived, thanks for saving me,
    What made you change your mind, was it me?

    these lines are awsome maybe just a quick over look and make sure the rhyming is exactly where you like it
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by pennymarie | [ Reply to This ]
      good rhyming scheme, very solid. The flow is a bit choppy, otherwise good. The 'depressed' genre is a bit overcrowded, but this is a pretty standard write. I've seen better, but I've also seen much worse. The imagery is choppy, mainly I think that the flow problem i caused by that. You don't get to the actual main idea until near the end, and the diamond-style of poetry is very difficult. Overall, three stars.

    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]
      You just need to clean it up a bit. Throw in some more substance and definite points. At some places it's hard to tell what your getting at..."I try to feel arround me,
    Somthing's on my hands can't you see"
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by The Conqueror | [ Reply to This ]
      Much better than many 14 year olds, you still have a way to go, but imagine how good you'll be in the years to come. Try to always challenge yourself to do better, you are your only real competition.
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Martin S. Allen | [ Reply to This ]
      its pretty good, though it does need some cleaning up and fixing, parts are very unclear, parts make you wonder where youre going with this.. i think after you fix it it has the potential to be a good poem but till then
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by sacred_tears | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm going to be honest, but hopefully not a brutal thing.

    I think that the ending was rushed a little bit. The last stanza is like "oh, don't let me disapear", and then the next line is like "I owe my life to you." For me, it wasn't just quite right. For me, the rhyme scheme felt a little pushed too. It just didn't feel right for me.

    And you're probably looking at all of this now, and wondering why I made it a fav. I did because I liked the thought behind what came out on the screen. But I just don't like how you did it, that's all. And the other thing is, we all have some writes that could be imporved or changed or whatever. I personally think that this needs a little work, but if you love it the way it is, then that is the way that it should be.

    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Man, I LOVE it! I love this revised version soooo much more. What else can I say???

    You've left me totally speachless now. I like that you made it a litte longer; and now it doesn't feel like the ending just came up and slapped me in the @$$. In a way, the ending just leaves it open for whatever; like I'm not totally sure about exactly what happened. So many things could have happened to change things. The rhyme doesn't seem so forced anymore, and I think that it really changed the feelsing in this.

    You should so be getting that award for phenomenal rewrite. You totally deserve it.

    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      Way to go... great job-Again! loved the changes never hurts to take another look.. keep up the great work.. Always remember though that this is your master piece and if you like it just the way it is never change it because we all have different styles.. and different thoughts.. but rhyming is fun and hard to manage.. great job

    | Posted on 2005-08-09 00:00:00 | by pennymarie | [ Reply to This ]
      Much better! I love it! I'm so happy that you could fix it up. Good Job!
    Thank you for notifying me, I really appreciate it.
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by The Conqueror | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very good, much better than the original version. Albeit a few minor flow problems, it was much clearer, and the images were much more powerful. Keep up the good work.

    | Posted on 2005-08-12 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ]

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