Well, I must offer my critique. Although most of your fans will disagree with my thoughts, perhaps it may shed some insight. I found the metaphors you used very descriptive and well written. However, much of the piece seemed somewhat forced to me. Almost clichéd in some areas:
"Bleed into me
we must become one
Our hearts bound together
revealed in the sun
Hand in hand, heart to heart
this love has just begun"
While this is very good descriptivelly, I have read this type of description many times by many poets from many time periods. I myself find myself falling into the same quandry. How to describe an emotion such as love uniquely? That is the challange.
I think you are very close, as I can tell you are a much more accomplished writer than I.
So this poem was an interesting read. I really like how you chose a very touching theme and a great story to represent it...only you probably should have used that stuff in the poem....but mostly, I want to talk about the format of your poem, and I have some suggestions, or advice, as it were. Yes, advice.
1. Some people like to use rhyming in their poems. Others do not.
2. I notice that you break your poem up into stanzas. This might serve to make the work more easily digestible to young, inexperienced viewers, but for mature, insightful students of literature like you and I, I suggest something more complex. Perhaps if you presented the poem in a minimalist fashion, such as a run-on sentence with no punctuation, that would really amplify the tone...
3. Well, I just wanted to say. I think it's really, really cool that you use colors as symbols. It makes the poem so much deeper, especially when you use black and white, and how together they make gray. The only thing I might suggest is that you don't use the phrase "spectrums of light" to explain the colors. First of all, there are no such things as "spectrums" of light. There is only one spectrum, THE SPECTRUM, and all of the colors are, well, colors. I just think you might want to change that part, otherwise people might think you don't know what you're talking about.
Overall, good job. Most importantly, I think you should keep practicing, keep trying, and keep writing.
In the midst of all the breathtaking captions of nature motifs partly embedded into metaphors you place a very sad story. You pay attention to details and your way of combining the words is what blends in with the readers thoughts. A very good poetic achievement.
i think if this piece wasnt prefaced by your description my interpretation of this piece wouldnt be what you wrote it to be...
i think your imagery isnt as sharp or distinguished as it could be.
bearing in mind that southern and 60s means racial oppression and misunderstanding on HUGE extremes i think you could have written a more impacting piece given the line of thought you have taken.
i would focus on the struggles of a mixed relationship... surely there would have been more than a little opposition without the KKKs involvement...?
i would tell the reader WHY there was love... what was it in the other person that drew them together and kept them together...
show the reader what kinda people they were... they were obviously quite 'ahead of their time' in the way they related to other races/cultures etc...
i think your use of colour is a start in the right direction here. the way you paint the world and the night through his eyes... the indigo... the blue... the white.
it is a good progression... kinda like a rainbow.
i know when i was in ethiopia and hung out with this guy a whole lot and people would call us "cappachino" coffee and milk...
we never thought it weird for a second to be spending so much time together... we had so much fun but it was obvious that to others it seemed like an odd combination [though i happen to like cappachinos myself so the comment was as derrogatory as it could have been]
i say that because there is prolly a different way to have the colours meeting and blending without the grey...
grey is a hard concept to write about without sounding cliché these days... i guess im just encouraging you to think outside the square.
and i know you wrote this a while ago now and may not have any desire to revisit it again but perhaps you could keep some of these ideas in mind while you get back into the poetry groove
I can't quite say anything different then what these fine people have said. This poem is very deep and satisfying to read. I love the elements of love, imagery, nature, and horror all blended together. Absolutely beautiful. One of my favorites.
WOW I'm not one to suck up my brother but that was really awsome. I love it when a writer can take a story fictional or true and blend it into a beautiful poem this is most definitely going on my favorite list. I wish I could include "more than compliments" but this poem is simply mind blowing
My Friend This is incredible I am not just saying that either You took so many emotions that were inside of me and gave them new belief and Life I too wish the World would realize we are all one race the Human Race We are all Gods Children no matter how you look at it we need acceptance to obtain World Peace And I do believe this is a vision which will become reality in my Lifetime God Bless Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron
Wow... this poems beats all I have read. It has such a meaning to it. It like moral unwound. I love it. So sad, but so sweet. Love/romance just flowedout of it and like a sentimental person like i am , i wept.
I agree with Epiphany a favorite for sure. Your poem seems so sad yet the message of love is beautifully twined into the sadness making it flow like wine into the minds of the reader intoxicating yet warm and light hearted. As I posted on your main I have read every one of your poems tonight though I don’t think its necessary to post on every single one of them as I have already mentioned I loved them all and praise alone is considered bad:D ~ReMMuS
This poem is so...ugh...I feel so many things when I read it! It's got such a classic Poe feel to it , yet at the same time totally original! I love it! I wish I could write like this... the points are so tauntingly faint, but then become so clear. Your rhyming, wording and story flowed into complete and utter perfection! Great write!
This was like reading a piece of poetry that suddenly turns into a painting as you're reading it! I loved your use of color for emotion and illustration and the flow was flawless! I liked it all but particularly enjoyed, "Black it bleeds together with white What some see as grey are spectrums of light Red, orange, yellow and green" that is just so powerful and metaphorical and great! Favorite for sure! Love,Peace,Joy! tif ; )
at the beginning it gave me the thought of the movie.. with "Robin williams in it.. I think it was Always and forever anyway.. about the after life it was good... so was this wonderful story..and then the other half gets very griping and sad.. but over all wow.. Penny
Wow, I liked this alot. And the name of that robin williams movie is What dreams may come. And it is a very good movie indeed. But anyway, I am getting a little off topic. This was a good poem in it's own right. The imagery was wonderful, and the descriptions vivid. The end was sad, but I think it was needed. Good work. LeAnna
I have to say that this is one of the better pieces i have read on this site. The imagery, the love, the physical love destroyed by a physical and spiritual hate, a hate which lives today and always has. A story well told. I am a story teller, so I really appreciate this one. Nice work.
Very vivid. While reading your piece line per line, my mind is getting busier with visuals in every word. This is such a great imagery – romantic in real. Very well written and I like the descriptive colors, as well as the ending – the last line instill in my mind. Great one!
I think this poem sums up an era in american history so beautifully. The words flow very nicely, painting a picture of undying love born out of so much hate and intolerance. A very powerful peice that filled my heart with sorrow, but also gave me a feeling of joy knowing that love conquers all.
Reading this piece was as if I were almost watching it on the movie screen. Beautifully written, with ease in the rhyming scheme which made it much easier to swallow ;) The flow was very smooth and it was very detailed. It kept me interested through the whole piece. I love the line Bleed into me, and what it stands for. The epitome of love in a bittersweet end.
Wonderful job, and I hope to read more from you soon!