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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ~*^*~dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wretched_muse
    ASL Info:    20/f/OH
    Elite Ratio:    4 - 182/205/64
    Words: 960
    Class/Type: Story/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 185
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4214



    Description:
       Ok i fixed a good bite due to the help form joey (thanks again by-the-way) so... if any one reads this drop me a comment plz and if you have already read it once then tell me if you like or dislike any of the changes. THANK YOU!!!!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots ~*^*~dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The melodies of the world seemed to play in one room, with incense of jasmine and rose. Smoke rose from out the many pipes being puffed on by men. Here all could gather; discrimination was the only thing being shunned inside these walls. Although there were still the rare fights and arguments, this was one of the only peaceful places around. The world of “Elnk” was falling apart. Wars raged every where and armies were always on the move. Causing disruption in peoples every-day-lives and an uproar of bandits.

    On any given night, one could pass through these doors expecting to see men of all statures gathered around card tables, a performance stage, and drinking tables, talking of the latest news. Then of course there was the fabulous bar itself being attended by Crushen, the owner. Crushen always stocked his bar well, full of well known contemporary and experimental drinks created by Crushen himself. He was a fun-loving man with a good heart, which was one of the main reason’s the bar was such a success.

    Joseph sat in a far back corner watching a well-made wooden stage that rose four feet from the floor and was lined in stage lights, draped over by a black velvet curtain. Feeling somewhat drowsy from the incense, Joseph wished he could leave. Usually this was his favorite place but tonight, due to resent events, he felt uneasy. With a slight tilt of his chair Joseph reclined, rocking on the chair’s wooden legs. Closing his eyes he felt his body relax while listening to the hum of voices surrounding him.

    Suddenly the tone of the bar became softer and a tune took up behind the large draping curtain. Joseph came to attention. His chair landed with a clunk and he stared at the stage as the drapes began to rise. A mournful note from bongos and violins took to the air. But there at the center of the stage was what he had come for. His love, the only one he truly cared about anymore. He knew she loved this place which is why he agreed on bringing her back here tonight.

    She had grew up here, being taken in by Crushen as a young child after her neighboring village was destroyed. She and Joseph met only two years back, but had been traveling together ever since. Now once again she stood back on stage, her light brown hair flowing down her back, her chin held high and eyes closed as she prepared to let out her opening notes. With a slight tilt of her head she began her song.

    “Smile darling and shed your tears,
    Times will change and soon you will see…”

    Fading into memory Joseph could vividly recall the first time he met Alexei. He was sitting in the same spot as now, accompanied by some friends enjoying a few drinks. When Alexei stepped on stage that night to sing , it was the first time Joseph ever noticed her. Usually he just saw her helping Crushen with orders behind the bar, in old work clothes, hair always pulled in a pony tail, dressed in a boyish style of baggy black slacks and a dirty brown slavish shirt, needing to be tied in back to keep the material from getting in her way while she worked. Her skin was always stained with dirt and dust gotten from cleaning floors, tables, and fire places. But that night her skin shone like pearl as the stage lights glowed upon her, dressed in a royal blue corset dress that flowed to the ground. There was no pattern to the dress but still she was stunning for sixteen. Her shoulders were bare, for the dress tightend around her breasts and hugged the skin down to her waist. Her hair was down except for two strains tied on each side and pulled back to hold the rest out of her face, and her eyes shown with a new brightness of hazel. She took his breath away, that night and ever since.

    “Crawl into my arms
    Find comfort in my voice…”

    That first night Joseph had waited at the bar until most of the crowd had left to speak to Alexei...




    Submitted on 2005-08-05 19:13:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well... i liked it... but there was alot of confusion... i think it needs a bit of rewriting ang editing... the things that confused me... is what time period is it supposed to be in? and where exactly is this bar? you should describe the things in the story a bit more other than the feeling of the place... it would help bring everything into focus... but other than that little bit of confusion... it was a good story... i liked it... well... not a full story... but well... until it ended... i hope to read it after you write the rest... enjoy
    | Posted on 2005-08-05 00:00:00 | by Esophagus1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Good descriptions and setting so far. I'd like to see this when you continue it. Most of the problems with your writing are grammatical. Changes are in [brackets] and comments are in CAPS. Keep going; this is a good beginning.

    The melodies of the world seemed to play in one room, with incense of Jasmine and Rose UNLESS PROPER NAMES DON’T CAPITALIZE. Smoke rose from out the many pipes being puffed on by men. Here all could gather[;] discrimination was the only thing being shunned inside these [walls]. Although there were still [the rare] fights and arguments, this was one of the only peaceful places around. YOU SHOULD SAY WHERE

    On any given night, one could pass through these doors expecting to see men of all statures gathered SITTING OR STANDING? around card tables, a performance stage, and drinking [tables, talking] of the latest news. Then of course there was the fabulous bar itself being attended by Crushen, the owner. Crushen always stocked his bar well, full of well know[n] contemporary NO COMMA and experimental drinks created by Crushen himself. He was a [fun-loving] man with a good heart, which was one of the main reason’s the bar was [such a success.]

    Joseph sat in a far back corner watching [the well-made] wooden stage that rose four feet from the [floor] and was lined in stage lights, draped over by a black velvet curtain. Feeling [somewhat] drowsy from the incense, Joseph wished he [could leave.] Usually this was his favorite place but tonight, due to resent events, he felt uneasy. With a slight tilt of his chair Joseph [reclined,] RECLINED BACK IS REDUNDANT – WATCH FOR THAT rocking on the [chair’s] wooden legs. Closing his eyes he felt his body relax while listening to the hum of voices surrounding him.

    Suddenly the tone of the bar became softer and a tune took up behind the large draping curtain. Joseph snapped back to life HE WASN’T DEAD; SHOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE ‘SNAPPED HIS EYES OPEN. [His chair landed with a clunk and he stared at the stage as] the drapes began to rise. A mournful [note from bongos and violins took to the air.] But there at the center of the stage was what he had come for. His love, the only one he truly cared about anymore. He [k]new she loved this place which is why he agreed on bringing her back here tonight.

    She [grew] up here, being taken in by Crushen as a young child after her neighboring village was destroyed. [She and Joseph met] only two years back, but ha[d] WATCH TENSE been traveling together ever since. [Now once again she stood back on stage, her light brown hair flowing] down her back[, her chin] held high and eyes closed as she prepared to let out her opening notes. DON’T ‘TELL’ US SHE’S DIGNIFIED – SHOW US BY HER POSTURE With a slight tilt of her head she began her song[: “Smile darling and shed your tears, Times will change and soon you will see…” SPEECH ALWAYS IN QUOTES

    [Joseph could vividly recall] the first time he met Alexei. He was sitting in the same spot as now[, accompanied by some friends enjoying] a few drinks. When Alexei stepped on stage that night to sing , it was the first time [Joseph noticed] ELIMINATE ‘HAD’ WHEREVER POSSIBLE her. Usually NO COMMA he just saw her helping Crushen with orders behind the [bar in] old work clothes, hair always pulled in a pony tail, dressed in a boyish style of baggy black slacks and a dirty brown slavish [shirt, needing] to be tied in back to keep the material from getting in her way while she worked. Her skin was always stained with dirt and dust gotten from cleaning floors, tables, and fire places. But that night her skin [shone] like pearl as the stage lights glowed upon [her dressed] in a royal blue corset dress that flowed to the ground. WATCH FOR FRAGMENTS There was no pattern to the [dress but] still she was stunning for [sixteen] SPELL OUT NUMBERS LESS THAN ONE HUNDRED. Her shoulders [were] bare, for the dress tightend around her breasts and hugged her skin down to her waist. Her hair was down except for two strains tied on each side and pulled back to hold the hair out of her face. And her eyes shown with a new brightness of hazel. She took his breath away[, that night] and ever since.

    ”Crawl into my arms
    Find comfort in my voice…” QUOTES AGAIN

    That first night Joseph had waited at the bar until most of the crowd had left to speak to Alexei…
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]



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