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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bonfire Tears Should Disappeardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: playcrackthesky
    ASL Info:    21/f/IA
    Elite Ratio:    4.46 - 463/457/88
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 987
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 836



    Description:
       hmm I really don't like this one, I've been writing crap lately, crap I tell you! so anything will be welcome on this peice.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBonfire Tears Should Disappeardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sitting at this fire
    Thinking of us,
    The way you touched me
    And smelled my hair.

    Now tracing over lines
    You wrote in the steam,
    Of the bathroom mirror,
    I smile.

    Lying down on that couch
    You held me there before,
    Showered my hand in kisses
    Healing dreams from before.

    I could let you disappear.

    Sitting at this fire
    Thinking of you,
    The way I held your hand
    And smelled your shirt neck.

    Now tracing over lines
    In my imagination,
    That formed the contours of your face
    I cry.

    Lying on my back now,
    Iíve ached for your touch,
    That embrace is lost
    In my dreams of before.

    I never should have let you disappear.




    Submitted on 2005-08-06 14:14:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      ooh I love doing this poetry exercise...it is way fun and the outcome is usually cool. This is the one where you like write nine lines and take those nine lines and write nine more yeah? I like how it is semi jumbled random memories of your guy...but maybe just add a bit more too it...like what he smelled like and the word on the mirror...otherwise I like it..keep up the writing
    | Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by haileebobailee | [ Reply to This ]
      This is good! I dunno why you say it's crap. It is real emotions and feelings and those are never crap! I would change the classification from misc to a longing or love though. It definately sounds like a longing for him to return, lost in the memories and wishing you had it back again. It could even pass as depressed because it is so sad, and you are so sad in the words here. I love the second stanza where you talk of tracing the lines in the steam of the bathroom mirror...mmm...that makes me smile too, as it brings a memory to mind for me as well! I think this is a nice heartfelt write! Take care and thanks for the smile!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah, that's not crap. you just need to maybe go a little farther with it. tell us about him. tell us why you let him disappear. tell us, tell us, we want to know! I think this is really good. as a poem or song lyrics or whatever. I just think it would be great if you added to it. nice write!
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you've got the basics right, definitely not crap.

    The two seperate views of the fire/tracing/lying is excellent, just some of the wording I wasn't that keen on, especially "smelled." To me it brings down the romantic mood of the piece.

    Nice start, just needs tweaking.

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Crap my ass. This is some good stuff. The lines that...hell it all touched me. I loves how you used the same beginning line in two stanzas, but used differant content after that. I really liked it. I think that you have a real nack for this stuff. Alot of people say that I do too. Im gonna read more of your stuff. You can check mine out if you want to. But for real, that was great. Good job.
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by poeticvisionary | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahh this was NOT crap. It was great, I'm not one for non rhyming poems but this was great. The emotions and description was really good and i love the singled out lines because they are in just the right spots and add just the right amount of emphasis and explanation and stuff. Ahh im not being very good with my comment lol I'm sorry.
    But It's good how you started out with the happy side and the transition into the sad was smooth which was good. Yeahh...
    Nice work
    Laura-Grace
    | Posted on 2005-08-06 00:00:00 | by dark-red-pain | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the structure a of the lines, it has a nice pattern to it. Each verse has its own space as if this was a collection of small pieces.

    I wonder if you need the caps on each line. Likely just my own taste but you might look at it as sentence structure with line breaks for emphasis.

    I never should have let you disappear. - I think we all have one of these in our lives.

    Just thoughts.
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow Steph...this was good. I think the title fit very well too. I liked how you ended it. I particularly liked the stanza

    Now tracing over lines
    In my imagination,
    That formed the contours of your face
    I cry

    That was a pretty vivid image. Nice stuff. Have a good one and keep smilin'
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      write him out of your world honey... this isnt crap at all... promise!

    i am in love with him kissing your hand... i really am...
    when i was 11 i was at a wedding and there was this boy there who was downs syndrome... loveliest boy ever... anyways... he wanted me to dance and i wouldnt... i didnt wanna be seen dancing with him (how damn shallow was i?!) and my feet were killing me and so i kept turning him down... he asked me a good 13 times to dance throughout the night... anyways... when he was leaving he came up to me and took my hand and kissed it... the sweetest thing that has ever happened in my world even still... from then on i strongly maintain "a true gentleman will kiss a lady on her hand" hehe... thats what this reminds me of... a true gentleman... a boy who is not trying to rush you to do or be anything you are not... i can feel the regret in letting him go but then theres that whole "dont it always seem to go that you dont know what you got til its gone" syndrome...

    i like the emotions you take the reader through... the smiles, the tears, the memories... retracing known lines that cannot be seen anymore by anyone other than you...

    this really is an important write (even if its just working through your feelings and voicing your regrets to help you move on...)
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Finally I can comment, well I'd like to open by saying it was good to hear from you again, and I look forward to a more in-depth conversation when you are less out of it, lol, ok down to the write.

    This is probably the best I have read from you. Every piece you write makes me feel the same way afterwards. I don't know how you get so random, but I'm sure as hell trying, lol, keep up the randomness and while I didn't really get struck by anything in particular, the write as a whole was awesome and will be a favs addition, now I need a good title. Anyways, cya round.
    -james
    | Posted on 2005-08-14 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
      This is as others have mentioned rather random but it completely works with the way it's compozed. I truly love the portrayal of the feeling behind this peace. This is definatally a very good write. Keep up the awesome work

    ~nsnaakyhhh
    | Posted on 2005-08-16 00:00:00 | by nsnaakyhhh:) | [ Reply to This ]


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