Description: This is the reaction of one of my co-workers to the news of an east coast woman seaching for the bodies of her children after her ex-husband had killed and buried them somewhere on a seven hundred mile stretch of road. The fact that news of any kind can touch people unknown to the source, demonstrates the power shared emotion can have in the midst of deep, personal tragedy.
I disagree with some of these comments. I don't think you need to lengthen this at all, i think it covers everything in few words and this is always a good thing. Not usually one for verbosity, me.
I have to say something doesnt feel right (to me anyway) about the last couple of lines...i find myself tripping over them when i read them. At the same time though I realise they are probably the most important two lines in the poem, and i understand the message behind them.
While it's true i wouldn't have understood this without your description (who would?), i don't think there's anythign wrong with using the description to set the scene for a poem ,especially when it's a short poem.
In general I don't think this poem has been given the praise it deserves, because it is very, very clever.
Moving and gracefully written. Light tone and gentle touch to this poem. THe comment on this really gives it form and a matching set of imagry for a reader to work off. Nice even pace and flow to it, punctuation seems a little unatural and forced onto it but that could just be me.
the emotions driving this are clear and easily picked up on and this seems to give the poem a slightly lazy feel to it as if it were written as something too simplistic. however the originality to the poem seems to get rid of that somewhat. The fact that we know what it is about also seems to assit in making up for any short comings
I liked the idea behind this peice, but I was just not feelng the motions you spoke of in the discription if I were you I might try to leangthin the poem and try explaining where the thought and sadnes for the person that heard about the story came from. but hey that's just my opinion. have a nice one- emily
Overall this is not my kind of poem, due to the fact that emotion has been watered down to create a simple sensse of beauty, and me being a young person search for depth in feeling rather than thought or simplicity. However I did just want to say that the last 2 lines are possibly my all time favourite lines i have ever read...those words say so much in so few letters...and I just wanna say...thats awesome, not usually a word i use in terms of writing, but that truly is a great bit of writing there in my own opinion...Thanks very much, they were very cool...Dave
I agree that this could have been more powerful. It's kind of like a cold retelling to me. I suppose I think you need to say how it made the coworker feel. I cry at the news quite often, and I suppose she was thinking how it would feel if someone did it to her children. I felt like I was suffocating until they pulled the men out of that Russian submarine.
A blood covenant sealed round a single ring, that had been salvaged long before her seed had been so swiftly hidden in the earth'
I'm not 100% sure how to take that. The ring makes me think of the marriage, but I'm not sure about "salvaged." How was the marriage salvaged if he killed the kids? The "blood covenant" kind of makes it sound like she was part of it or something, but I don't know all of the facts in the case. I just thinkl it needs to be clearer and more emotional, Amy
without your description I would never have known what the poem was about but I really think the poem is very good despite that. I love the last two lines and think that's a perfect ending. I suppose you could add more specifics but it might ruin the overall ambiance that you have in the poem now. not sure how to relate it to the actual circumstances without saying way too much. I think this is a fine piece though as it is.