Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Stowaway, A foreignerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 897
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1265



    Description:
       A man running from the law. Tell me what you think??


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Stowaway, A foreignerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bang, a gun shot,
    A man is crying in the corner.
    Guess what? You're caught,
    A stowaway, a foreigner.

    There's no need to hide,
    We know that you're in there,
    We can see through your lies,
    In your plans there was an error.

    Shivering you lay,
    Afraid of what is to come.
    In the barn you hide in hay,
    You're a criminal to some.

    All your life you've played,
    This painful game of life.
    All this money that you've made,
    You've never stolen in you're life.

    In your life you wanted to leave,
    Your country to get out of war,
    Through manny deaths that's made grieve,
    Many who died were poor.

    You tried to leave your country,
    But the police said you must stay.
    Take yourself away in poetry,
    You left your country one day.

    Now your classed as a stowaway,
    An offender of the law.
    You're friends tell you to go away,
    You hear a bird go caw.

    You're running from the law,
    A stowaway, a foreigner,
    A gun over there you saw,
    You're crying in the corner.




    Submitted on 2005-08-07 12:01:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked it the spelling was a little bad but we all make mistakes while writing thats why we can revise it. This reminds me of some hispanic illegal immagrants they come here to escape from poverty and people here treat them like dirt which isn't fair I think they are very brave risking everything just to make their family's life better good job protraying that
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by doom_gloomgirl | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay, yes you made some spelling mistakes, oh, well! We all make mistakes. I myself make a lot of grammer mistakes. Punctuation mistakes...the works. Do not let this be a turn off. Many on this site helped me with all that. I am open to all my mistakes. Some of us are not fortunate enough to have the same education oppertunities as others. My problem is I have been out of school a long time. With you, it will be applied if others on this site would politely show you your mistakes. Here, I will try to help you. First stanza...I think a question mark should be placed after what. 2nd stanza...you need to add an e for see, 3rd and 4th lines of the 2nd stanza...the word should be " your" and not you're. Also in the 2nd stanza, the word should be "plans" not "plains"and err should be error. 4th stanza, 1st line, change "you're" to "your"5th stanza change the you're to your, same stanza next line, "contry" should be "country" same stanza next line, "manny" should be "many" 7th stanza, third line, you're should be your. I think that is it. Overall, this is a very good write! I understood it quite well. Just keep writing. Short as this may be it told a heartfelt story. Everyone does not have the freedom to do what is right. You will beg, steal and even kill to provide and protect your
    family . Good write! take care, wanda
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
      its good, quite, relates to alot of the things going on right now i guess, and thats a good way to put it into prespective. you have the odd typo, but hell, who doesent. keep it up
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by _dana_ | [ Reply to This ]
      I am sure this poem had a deeper meaning, but for some reason I can't get it. I liked the poem. You had great flow, and I liked your imagery. But the heart of the poem escaped me. Maybe, I'm tired. lol. But it was a good write.
    Maggie
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      i fixed my typos if u see another one(in this poem tell me please)
    n thanks
    if u think its bad just say so ok
    liam/patrick
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by patrick o_riley | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, I really liked the way this flowed, it runs off the tongue so easily.
    I don't pretend to understand your meaning here, I guess it's a metaphor for somebody, but that didn't make it less enjoyable.

    Well written,

    Be Happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2005-08-25 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    69645

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry