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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: THE LAST REMAINING CINDERSdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: jinx
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.37 - 44/58/26
    Words: 168
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 274
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1103



    Description:
       I wrote this last night after getting home from the final fireworks display of the year. Its not very good, its one of those things i wrote in about 20 minutes. Any comments, suggestions or whatever else you can think of would be much appreciated.
    -Jinx


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTHE LAST REMAINING CINDERSdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The air smells like cheap beer and cigarettes,
    And
    The only thing dirtier than the sand we're sitting in
    Is the water we use to rinse off
    The residue from our high-class attitudes.

    You lay in the sand, waiting to go home.
    She waited for someone to buy her
    A plastic cup of watered-down liquor.
    He waited for her to go away,
    And they waited for a reason to cheer about something.

    You pretend to think of this as fun.
    No.
    This is a time for me to spend 4 hours
    Lying on my back, staring up
    And watching everything grow dark,
    Then dirty.
    And as the light starts to carve snakes in the sky
    You stare in wonder,
    Dazzled in its resplendance.
    I stare in relief.

    Because
    As each life explodes;
    White blood, spattered in the sky
    The last remaining cinders
    Will fall weightlessly through the black
    And drown,
    Sucking the cold into their charred lungs.
    And I couldn't be more happy for them.




    Submitted on 2005-08-07 15:33:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The first stanza is a little unromantic, which isn't a bad thing at all, given the kind of feeling you'd like to convey. But I absolutly LOVE the last two stanzas, they are soooooo great! They're dark and magnificent all at the same like. I love your choice of verbs, lives exploding, white blood splattering, its amazing.
    But the thing that really adds life to this piece is the line about snakes carved in the sky, the connotation of the word "snakes" is fear and mystery and beauty. And the connotation of the word "carve" and "sky" added to snakes makes for a breathtaking combination. I see this as a great rough draft that can be maipulated into a 10!
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by Shakirra | [ Reply to This ]
      Don't like fireworks, I take it? Interesting write, and very graphic as well. I like the lines "The only thing dirtier than the sand we're sitting in Is the water we use to rinse off The residue from our high-class attitudes." Cool. Aint' life grand??? Excellent write, I can relate on many levels here...
    | Posted on 2005-08-07 00:00:00 | by Inducted_Kitty | [ Reply to This ]



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