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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: draftdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: weepingwillow
    ASL Info:    23/f/Brighton
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 38/75/35
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1200
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 690



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdraftdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I put down the phone blubbing
    though you didn't know, or care, admit it
    I still haven't squeezed out all of the mush you created inside me
    your voice comforts me,
    a bed of squishy ripe damsons
    where i lay cackling, legs flailing, eyes set.
    If u would only take control
    then perhaps my sub-conscience would
    begin to forget
    It's strange though,the damage is done
    the hole in my heart sealed with lead
    and all the complications that come rushing
    each time we speak
    serve only to harden me more as i grow;become stronger
    in place of all that wasn't said
    'dad'




    Submitted on 2005-08-08 10:12:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this is quite nice although I think you could tighten it up a bit. I love your word choices. there are some minor corrections needed, like subconscious instead of sub-conscience and blubbering instead of blubbing. and since I don't know it all, I had to look up damson because I didn't know what it was, but now I do! the ending surprised me. I had thought you were talking about a boyfriend or a love your own age, but then you put 'dad' and of course he's the guy we fall in love with first and who sets the stage for the rest of our loves (which is unfortunate in some cases). this is a very mature poem that needs only minor work. nice write.
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow! this is really sad and i dont want to spoil the feeling for future commenters. but i really understand this poem and i know the feeling. i know it too well. but hang in there none the less. i think this poem has alot of deep feeling to it and it creates a vivid and dark image in my mind. this is an original piece; i havnt really seen a poem like this before.
    the line with the most power was:
    where i lay cackling, legs flailing, eyes set.
    but it comes very close with the last line dad, because that simple word brings the entire piece together and i really wasn`t expecting that kind of an ending

    xoxoxomuchlove-ash
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by DanceADream | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... we are alike. I live with my mom and every time I try to talk to my dad I have to hang up because of what he has done to me. Besides the general typo's, I don't see anything you could change. Once you have a title, let me know. This would be one I could present to my forensics class.
    Peace, TK
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by ThomasKane | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, is this a poem? Because the class is set to MISC. You should change that. I get that its a poem, but that's all. I can't seem to get it to work for me. Maybe other people might get it because that's how it is; some people get it and some people don't. But that's okay.
    Treg
    | Posted on 2005-08-08 00:00:00 | by treg | [ Reply to This ]


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