Description: I am a marathon cinic
I run so fast
you will never catch
my hopes so high
*This is a poem I decided to write but got lost as I do so often at night in the ideals of a junkie who takes direction from a playwrite. It is society's fault I think that no one will get this one.
I realize in hindsight that maybe I should explain some of my miscellaneous chaos here, if you will. Rhyme is often the killer of content in most people's work. I did not want my rhyming to feel strained or forced so I sacrificed structure in favor of content here.
Alright, so in the first stanza I wasn't really talking about fire, I was embelishing on the idea of being self destructive yet blissful in the means of destruction. The time machine part was a reference of longing to take it all back because I drifted out of the silver heat and back into the harsh reality of being a lonely drug addict. This piece is really a reflection of regret. But the euphoria you feel while high is so peaceful that it almost makes up for everything horrible that goes hand in hand with heroin addiction like the loss of concern for anything else family, friends, lovers, my own well being. If you've ever been high on any opiate than you understand the white noise of hum**** other wise, I can only explain it as best I can. It's kind of like a shhhhh and a hummm noise mixed with a swirling fan sound that clouds your mind and makes everything else disappear while you are blitzed out and can't see through the steam blanketing your sight. Yeah, it's kinda like that. Sorry, about the long description I just figured that I could save some time doing it this way rather than writing everyone who didn't get it an explaination. I hope that this will help you better understand what I am going for here and please let me know what you think.
I'll light the match and you can watch me burn
because I'm lousy with kerosene
I'm past this part or so I thought
silver heat and dream steam
I've found my match
when will I learn
just how to work my time machine?
Of this pain I can't get free
inject serenity into what's left of me
I'll find the script and act like a fiend
because that's the role I play
I will wander the streets
body aching with need
and the itch that just won't go away
While you sit in your tower
It's my darkest hour
but I catch a glimpse of your grace
your gloating above me
when you said that you loved me
and kindly you spat in my face
swimming in light my pupils swell
my mind is spiraling down the well
and you were the one, far as I could tell
who could have pulled me out
I scratch my skin to get you out of my head
but your in too deep, so I'll let myself out instead
Silence on set
this character is a loser
I really regret
becoming a user
When the curtains are drawn
if the lights are still on
I can't seem to make sense of such present tenses
Unless I turn on
the white noise of ******hum**********
and turn off
all of my other senses
But don't feel bad because I am not sad
I am just numbed within this abyss
my very own junkie bliss
Well that was a nice read. I know what you are trying to talk about. The thing that I will point out the first is the one that I think ruined the poem a bit. The last line "my very own junky bliss", I do not know how or why but it kinda made it die for me. The intense build up of the entire write actually got me going until that final line kinda made it a little dissappointing. Then again that is my opinion and the writing is your's.
Well, now I will not try to assess the poem but rather give an insight of my own views on it. The merry reading it send a chill down my spine. I can close my eyes and vivdly remember those moments. I don't know if I am over it. I do not know if I want to use that time machine, but there are temptations. I like the way you balanced the metaphors with some straight forward experiences.
The write was very expressive. Especially to someone who knows what you are talking about or so I think I do. Is it being a junkie or a slave to substances. I do not know if its me being used or am I the user. Either way it is blissful. I do not know where the bliss comes from but then again I do not need to elaborate on any of that since your write explains it all and not to mention the fact that you have to have gone through to it all in order to potray it the way you did. Spine chilling!
Beautiful write and touchy.....
The pain, is it real or is it just induced? Well, either ways it is still the pain. Are you the user or are you the one being used. There is no point elaborating any further. I know abot the xplaination you gave earlier but trust me it goes deeper than that. Overall, I enjoyed this writing. goes to fav
i do not think this is as incomprehensible as you feared...though i do think that the first stanza seems to represent a different image than the rest...the third stanza is my absolute favorite, in its simplicity it is very powerful. i think with some minor revision that this piece could be great. keep up the good work!
You've made some truly interesting choice with wording here, and before I go into that, I want to make one major comment. Verse 3, last word is actually spelled "fiend."
I also have to say that I felt like the last two lines of the first verse had moved on to the next idea. At the first moment you were talking about flames, and the like (both metaphorically, and to some extent, literally as well.) That pair of lines may fit better as a one liner on its own.
As for the rest of the poem, like you've already told me, you did use a lot of metaphors. Unfortunately, as I read this, I felt a lot like there were a lot of ideas that weren't truly well-connected, which made the poem difficult to comprehend. There's sort of an element of flow that didn't quite make it into the piece that was a much larger part of the shorter piece that I read. That is not to say that this is bad. Each verse, series of statements, is great on its own. As a whole, it could do witha little work.
Still, all in all, it's a nicely written piece, with a beautiful selection of words within the verse. If you want something to work on, I suggest working on connecting the statements made in the verses within the larger pieces, since each verse is already relatively well put together.
Oh, and I thought I would share on the idea of favorite lines: when you said that you loved me and kindly you spat in my face There is just something about those lines that really struck me as somewhat of a reality. I can really feel the impact of those lines, even though I've never actually been in that situation.
And a final thought for you. You may want to try experimenting with capitalization in your longer pieces. It looks fine if everything's lower case in the short pieces, but in this one, it feels slightly awkward. This is not a requirement by any means, but simply a suggestion on how you might improve it.
well cant believe no one has commented here so ill be the first interesting write this,ive read it 4 or 5 times now and this is my analogy of it(its probably wrong but oh well)I think the first stanza talks of heating up drugs on a spoon or something if thats what you meant by the silver heat i dunno im guessing a little and the fact this person is burning himself but not being able to burn himself in a conventional way which explains not being good with kerosene.The poem then centres on being in the grip of the drug and also the longing of person has abandoned him because of the addiction and i get the impression the ending was a sad suicide bid.But im probably totally wrong i dunno lol .It intrigued me anyway and was well set out graham
I have to say, that I too am surprised that nobody else has commented on this. I really liked your wording throughout the poem and the scene that you set for the reader. It's like you're a puppet for the drugs.
Of this pain I can't get free inject serenity into what's left of me
I really liked that "inject serenity" part...don't know why, but it just stuck with me for the remainder of the time. I think I would've worded that "Of this pain I can't get free", just because it doesn't roll off the tongue quite as smoothly while you're reading through it. I personally might try... From this pain I can't break free.
Either way, this was a nice write and I did enjoy reading it. It gave me a sense of what being in the grips of addiction would be like, though I know that I could never even come close to imagining it. The wording I felt was pretty powerful though, and again it was very good! Candi
Submission Name: Chemistry
interesting write this,ive read it 4 or 5 times now and this is my analogy of it(its probably wrong but oh well)I think the first stanza talks of heating up drugs on a spoon or something if thats what you meant by the silver heat i dunno im guessing a little and the fact this person is burning himself but not being able to burn himself in a conventional way which explains not being good with kerosene.The poem then centres on being in the grip of the drug and also the longing of person has abandoned him because of the addiction and i get the impression the ending was a sad suicide bid.But im probably totally wrong i dunno lol .It intrigued me anyway and was well set out